Hershey Highway

We are frantically getting closer to Hershey Park. We leave this Thursday!

Of course I made a packing list for all three of us. Anal? Sure.

Of course, Pro is sick. So is Girl. She started sniffling last night. She has that sick, rosy cheek face that she always gets and her nose is all stuffed up.

Now she really sounds like The Nanny...

Great.

Of course, I'm going to Hershey with or with out without them, s'all I'm saying!

Girl is still trying to stay dry at night, but her days are rockin!

Her teacher came over yesterday to meet with her, one on one before school starts. She was so excited. She chatted that poor lady's ear off...Pro offered her a stiff drink when she was done.

The teacher was impressed that Girl new a lot about a lot of different things...Made us proud!

And Girl is really excited for school to start. What a milestone!!!

Smart chicken!

Hopefully, our trip will be as uneventful as I hope, and our amusement park adventure will be exciting and fun!!!

If not, I'll have so much to blog about!

Update!

So much to report.

Girl woke up this morning with a dry pull up! For the first time ever...She's been trained during the day for a month now and this very morning was her first dry one ever!!!

Go Girl.

The countdown to school has begun. September 17th is her first day. Alone.

Prepare for the sobby posts.

___________________________________________

I officially have a polyp in my endometrial lining. It was discovered by a pelvic sonogram and confirmed with a sonohysterogram. Damn catheter.

I have to get it removed soon. Fun times people.

___________________________________________

Seems I also need to go for a fourth breast mammo/sonogram for a "finding". They say it's nothing, but I have to go back in six months for an update. My Gyno may want me to see a breast surgeon too...just to be safe...what with my history and all.

I went for my yearly screening which turned diagnostic last month, so from now on, they will be extra cautious. Just the way I like it. No mistakes here, thankyouverymuch.

___________________________________________

I'm healthy, I swear. Just need a little tuning up since I turned 35 and all. I seem to have rolled down the other side of the hill a little faster than I originally expected.

So that's the news that's fit to print.

Nothing else really.

Girl is amazing and doing so well. She's growing and learning and reading and even writing...At 3 and a half. Whatta kid.

Dry for two weeks...

I know she's gonna kill me when she gets older...But The Girl has been dry for two weeks.

All poop and pee all the time in the pot. Yay her.

Summer school ended for her this week and she is looking very forward to school in September. And that's right...Dancing School.

We signed her up for that too..She is ecstatic.

I hope she enjoys it as much as I did when I was a kid...

She is growing and blossoming into this little girl right before my eyes and I am finding that her independence is stronger than ever.

I am so proud of her.

I am so happy that she has learned to find joy in the things that kids do.

I am so in awe of the way she has lost most of her fears and inhibitions and just...goes for it. With strength and excitement.

I am so proud of my girl.

We Have Poopie! (2007)

Yes indeedie doodie.

Little girl is going!

In the POT!!!!

Both Number one and number two...My little potty pro!

So after one full year and 31 doodie posts later...This is the first positive doodie post out there...Yay Girl!

She has been dry for a week and is a proud pooper.

I am a proud Mamma and I have been so much calmer since the big event.

She even pooped for Papa...How appropriate really.

Her first poop ever was in his presence and her first words after she did it was: "Can I show Papa?"...She's definitely his grandbaby.

So now, our next hurdle...leaving the house. You see, she's afraid of public bathrooms. Especially the unexpected flush from a neighboring stall. And the hand drier/blower thing. Too loud.

Any suggestions on traveling and public pots...throw 'em at me.

I'm all (r)ears!

It's So Easy

I can always tell when I need to re-evaluate my space in this world.

When I need to take inventory of my head and heart and do some spring cleaning.

It's been this way for years.

And the cues have returned.

When I was 18, I listened to three particular albums back to back every single day. Yes, albums. Vinyl. CD's were too expensive for me back then. I listened to all the tracks on these albums repeatedly. I can't even really tell you why it was these three albums in particular. But it was.

Appetite for Destruction had been out for three years already and I knew every word and tune by heart. And I connected to the overall theme of 'destruction' well back then. I felt like the world was 'Out ta Get Me'

(Believe it? I was at that show! The Ritz 1988)

...and I knew the sarcasm of 'It's So Easy' was geared towards me.


And I totally felt "So Crazy' that there was no hope in sight...


Yup, G'NR ruled my days...and nights.

Then there was Bat out of Hell...(I know) It came out when I was five years old and I wanted it so badly, I begged for my Mom to buy it for me at Camelot Music Stores in the mall. God, I begged to go to that store every day! When I got older, it was like a staple in my music collection and I started listening to it again when I was struggling in High School.

I can't even tell you how many times I played 'Heaven Can Wait' over and over again.

And 'Two outta Three Ain't Bad'

You'd think I was dying.

I wasn't literally. But inside I did.

Then there was TNT. That whole album is still one of my favorites to this day. I am in awe of Tony Harnell's voice.

The music of these three albums makes the feeling I got in High School return to this day every time I hear them.

And I woke up this morning singing these songs in my head. Autopilot. Not thinking about it...just in my head. These songs.

This means, I need to clean out my mind. I need to get motivated to trash the anger and release the tension that is building inside of me. Or I will burst.

I need to reorganize my mind's bins again. They sure are a mess.

These songs reminded me of that this morning and I gotta get to work. Amazing how music can inspire you, lead you and help you feel again.

But. It Ain't So Easy. Axl, you're a smarty. Aren't you?

P.P.A

I have been dying to write this post since June third!

That's when Queen Heather wrote this post about her eldest boy.

Queen Heather at the infamous "Island of the Shake Shake" (what a cool place) has written about her sons (The Heir and The Spare) before. Each post makes you laugh, cry and sometimes even pee a little...She is hysterical. So are they! (And wanna talk convincing....she got me to actually purchase this...) I know, I know....she deserves an award for THAT!

Once in a while, she'll write about the stuff her and her son (The Heir) are going through when he is "out of his element"...Some days it is a very difficult path they are walking along together but the love she feels for that little boy is insurmountable. I feel it in her writing. And she helps me understand.

She helps me understand the nuances of a child who is over-stimulated and dealing with sensory overload and anxiousness. She helps me to see that these things are all a part of the way some children are...She helps me to realize that we are never 'normal' and who really is anyway? Sometimes I need to hear it from someone else. And sometimes I need to see how others handle it...Because my daughter can be that way too.

In this post, I felt her love, anxiety and concern for her baby because I have felt it too, just as intense, when my daughter has gotten over-anxious and for lack of a better word - difficult - in certain situations. I have been in The Queen's shoes and I want her to know she is not alone. I feel her. And I also want her to know how proud I am of her. For the way she handled this particular situation. I couldn't have done it better...I don't think anybody could have...She is a wonderful mother and a stellar example of motherhood!

And Queen Heather expresses her thoughts so deeply and so openly that I think she deserves a Perfect Post Award..Don't you?



All my love Queen Heather! You rock and rule!

Thank you also to Lindsay and MommaK for so eloquently coordinating this award...you can see the entire list of nominees here.

Do's and Don'ts of Spray on Tanning

Ok. Don't laugh. I had a wedding this weekend and I wanted to look hawt. (tee hee)

So even though I've been getting some color in the front yard, I thought I'd even it out and get just a little darker for the summer's biggest extravaganza!

Sooo, I went for a spray-on tan.
Here are some things to remember if you do get this done...

Do:

• Exfoliate, exfoliate, exfoliate
• Expect to feel sticky after the application and expect to stay that way until you shower
• Expect to get it on your clothing (and your kid if you're not careful)
  
• Wear dark, loose fitting clothes for after the application (think mu mu)
  
• Expect to feel like a fat tub-o-lard standing there nekkid with just your paper panties on
• Expect to question every decision you have ever made that led you to this procedure
• Especially when your boobahs are white as ghosts and sorta saggin' (at least in your eyes)
  
• Be careful that stuff gets everywhere
• Exfoliate
  
• Understand that you will look like an orange until you shower
• Expect to get what you pay for...you will be $60.00 lighter in the wallet, but you won't get melanoma (a small price for health I say)
• Plan the application at least two days before an event
• Plan on blowing away the little black dress you plan to wear
• Do it for any event but make sure you exfoliate
  

Don't:

• Go in a driving thunderstorm (think Jackson Pollack)
• Wear flip flops in said rainstorm or step in gigantic puddles
  
• Expect brain surgeons to be working at the salon
• Go in a hawty-tawty neighborhood, they sneer
• Expect the salon workers to giggle at you (at least not to your face)
• Shower for eight hours after the application
  
• Let one ounce of water touch your skin for eight hours after the application
• Sweat...ever
• Forget to exfoliate
  
• Wear a mu mu in a driving rainstorm with your flip flops although on a sunny day it would be perfecto
• Pay more than $60.00 for the treatment...it may not be worth it
• Go the night before a big event
• Be surprised by the compliments you will receive for looking like you just got back from St. Tropez
• Expect your husband to keep his hands to himself...(rowr)
  
• PANIC...it's not THAT bad
• Be surprised if you don't exfoliate
  

Just my 19th Nervous Breakdown

I find myself digging deep within myself for patience these days.

I notice that I am talking myself through the most mundane tasks in order not to lose my cool over silly things. However, it's not working. I'm pissed all the time. And my fuse is burnt to a crisp.

"OK J...she's 3, it WILL take her a half an hour to brush her teeth and you'll be lucky she actually skims a tooth with her toothbrush..."

"This is normal J, she has to question you...she's curious."

"But she only walks at a turtle's pace because she has smaller legs than you and she is taking it all in..."

"But breakfast isn't really the most important meal of the day..is it?" "As long as she's eating something!!"

"Of course its all about her...you've made it that way for her entire life...you can't expect her to deal with sharing your time now." (Just the other day...I asked Girl to please crawl out of my buttcrack because I needed to talk to her...) She giggled. I wanted to cry.

Why am I finding it so hard to do the easy tasks of each day?

Why am I losing patience with the three year old, who really is only being three? (...and quite a terrific three at that!)

I mean really...How easy is it to be with someone on a continuous loop 24 hours a day 7 days a week without losing it once in a while?

...No matter how much your heart is overflowing with love for that person.

Even people who work three jobs and 95 hours a week get a break from their co-workers once in a while.

(NO, I don't want to go to work!)

Why can't I ever keep the house presentable? And why is the floor/sink/laundry/dog always dirty?

Why can't I call that kid's mother for a playdate when I know Girl loves the friggin' kid...but I just don't wanna be bothered?

Why then, do I complain that I have no mommy friends and no one to hang out with?

Why do I find it so hard to stay happy?

Not get happy.

Stay happy. Stay calm, balanced and just content.

What is the problem?

2 more days

Maybe I'm just a really extra sensitive person. I never thought I was. But I guess I am.

Everything makes me cry.

Is it getting older? Does that make you more sensitive?

Does PMS get worse as the years go by?

It can't always be THE HAT TRICK can it? I hafta get used to this sooner or later right?

Dunno?!

I am extra possessive and protective over my men. Don't mess with me there...

And I am like a raging lunatic to protect my kid.

Nothing has happened. I'm just waiting with my back up. For something, anything to send me reeling into a tizzy...I'm ready to rip someones head off if they look at me the wrong way.

And I'm tense. Extra tense. I've been going back to the chiropractor (God love him) and he's been trying (in vain) to loosen up the gargantuan knot in my spine.

Blogging truly is my therapy and I haven't even been posting regularly. I've been reading a lot of my blogroll and trying to comment but that isn't helping either...Hmmm...Now I know somethings up.

You know, everyone always thinks of J as this easy-going and calm...roll off your back like water off a duck's ass type-o chick...But it's the people who know me (the 3 or 4 of you) that know I keep it all inside. I tense up more and more the more shit I hold inside and I literally explode in one way or another.

Crying, yelling, throwing the remote...But I always do it when I'm alone.

I think I need to explode.

But herein lies the problemo.

I'm never alone.

And I will NOT explode in front of the Girl. Even though I have been extra edgy with her too these days. She is starting to think I may be Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde...

Then I look at the calendar and I realize the calendar reads June 28th...Two more days till July and my three months of mourning is over...for now. I did nothing to remember Mom on the 25th like I thought I wanted to...But I guess I did what my subconscious wanted me to. I did go back to the chiropractor for the first time that day....Was she pushing me to?

Or do I need some serious meds/detox/work out to chill me out again?

Probably.

Thanks for listening.

Nice Surprise...

I got a note in the mail today.

It's from my old Teacher's Assistant from one of my fourth grade classes. "Ms. R."

It was so nice to hear from her. She sent me her twin daughter's HIGH SCHOOL graduation pictures...Yikes. I'ma gettin' old.

When I met them, they just entered Junior High...Now they are going off to college! How does that happen?

She reminded me that time flies so quickly and that I should be savoring all my moments with the Stinks. I do. I honestly do.

Got me to thinking.

*****Look out*****SappyStuff Ahead******Gotta Tissue?******

How much fun I'm having with my little girl. It's a blast!

I am so lucky to be home with her, watching her grow and mature. Helping her find her place in this world one day at a time.

One step. Each day. Getting closer to her becoming a big girl. A woman.

And, in each step I'm losing my baby.

But I tell her every day.

No matter what, she will always be my baby girl.
When she's 36 and married with her own kids...she'll still be my baby girl.

Forever.

When she is fighting me for her independence and I am having a hard time letting go...When she begs to sleep over a friend's house but I refuse, when she hates me for grounding her or taking away her car keys...I hope she knows I do it all because I love her and want to protect her from hurt.

But I also want to help her find her independence and inner-strength. And I am struggling with that.

I wish on shooting stars, pennies with their heads up, eyelashes. I wish on birthday candles and I pray to something higher that my little girl becomes the empowered woman she deserves to be.

Because she was meant for something special. I feel it in my bones. My gut. That she is meant for great things...

I just hope she knows I love her unconditionally. And I have her back. Forever.

Happy Summer?

So, how important is your uterine wall anyways?

'Cause according to my multitude of sonograms today...mine is "extremely thick"...

And what are polyps and how do they go away?

Oh, and whodathunk that it was difficult to pee....Lordy.
Ah, childbirth.

Damn you Google!

Still feel like crap. Testing to be determined???

Oh, and Happy Summer.

Like Father, like.....husband

I posted this on the Blog Exchange...But I wanted to have it here (home) too for my special men.

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They always say you wind up marrying a man like your father.

I never believed it until I met and married The Pro.

My dad is the coolest, calmest most laid back man you could ever meet. He cares deeply for the people he loves, has a hard time showing it, but you know it when you are one of those people.

He would do anything for you if it meant it would bring you happiness. He is selfless and giving and never puts himself first.

When Dad laughs you can't help but laugh right along with him because his giggle in infectious and his eyes always tear up when he laughs too hard...just like me.

As soft and gentle as he is, don't mess with him. He'll bring you down if he has to. Especially when it comes to his daughter! He's one tough cookie and was known to be a real "bad boy" when he was a teenager. Ooh, he was so cute!

I always admired him. Always. I have always felt a certain comfort knowing he had my back and I always knew I was safe. He protected me, sheltered me (a little too much) but allowed me to grow as an independent woman. Even today, I know I can go to Dad with anything troubling me and he'll be there to help. And hug.

He was a Mother and a Father to me for most of my life and I cherish his strength and perseverance even in the hardest of times.

He was the role model I followed when it came to finding my husband. Yes, I bumped into a bunch of 'Bad Boys' in my day too, but ultimately I married a man that has all of Dad's best qualities and more.

Pro is gentle and kind and sarcastic as hell. He is smart as a whip and sassy and extremely loving.

He would do anything in this world to make me and Girl happy. He is selfless and giving and wishes the world for "his girls". Whatever it is we need, he provides...no questions asked.

Pro is a hard worker for his girls and shows us love and affection a thousand times over to make sure we know he loves us.

He respects us as women and would never mistreat us. He shows Girl the right way to treat a woman by being kind and gentle and caring to her mother. We have him as a provider, protector, soul mate and father and we are the two luckiest ladies ever.

My two men are not exactly the same, but their motives for doing things and their gigantic hearts are quite similar. How did I get so lucky? To have such wonderful men in my life? To be able to show Girl how a true "man" should behave? To let her grow up with the best male role models the world can give her? How did we get so lucky?

Happy Father's Day to the two most important men in our lives. Daddy “Papa” and Pro. We love you both dearly.

When I was little...I used to watch this and always think about my "Daddy Dear"...



It always seemed like a conversation we'd have...I think Girl and Pro would too...

Thinking Schminking

Guys, guys guys....I'm sorry that some of you are confused about yesterday's post...That wasn't me. That was Jenn...It was part of a blog exchange for the month of June.

Do you think for one second, I'd be that poised and in control if I, (anxiety Mom) was going back to work in a few short days...Plus, I live in NY...Not Canada.

I'd be dying if I had to go back to work this week...Jenn is a wonderful and lucky Mamma and I was honored to have her post here yesterday...Good Luck Jenn! I send you many wonderful wishes for your husband and your Magpie. And I send you strength for your return to work!

***************************************
Now,

Devilsh Southern Belle tagged me for this Thinking Blogger Award...


But I am so confused. I was tagged for this a while back by someone who I unfortunately can't remember...

And before that I was tagged again for it...

That makes three times since April.

And I can't for the life of me remember who that second nominator was.

I am so honored. Corny? Nah! I make people think, laugh, cry...feel for me. Is it sympathy? Is it happiness? Is is just plain friendship? It's coolness what ever it is.

And whatever it is, I'm happy to do it.

I'm blogging for a year and I love it with a passion. And my blogroll is the reason why...

I thank you, Belle! But, I just don't even know if I should tag five people, ten people or fifteen people for that matter...So I'll just leave it here with my humbled gracias!

Daddy Duty

In a few short – very short – days, I will be returning to work and handing over the reigns, the control and what passes for the schedule to the father of my child. After one year of maternity leave [god, or whomever, bless the Canadian system], my husband is chomping at the bit for his entitled thirty-seven weeks off to spend with our daughter.

And while I know, in my head, that he’ll do fine – more than fine – that my little girl will be well fed, be read to, played with and spoiled rotten, I’m not sure that the rest of me quite believes it yet. I have just spent the past year in 24/7 mommy, never mind the previous 9 months involvement: how can someone else step into that?

My husband has, though, been planning this time with his child since he convinced me way back in 2004 that it really was a good time to start trying to have a baby. He probably has a litany of activities lined up as well as stories and songs that he has been perfecting over the last twelve months. I will not be surprised if, by the time Father’s Day coincidentally rolls around, my little girl will look at me with an expression of only vague remembrance and I will be relegated to boobs and bathing only. And answering panicked phone calls to recall where the soothers, boots and coats are stored. [it’s already happened…]

While, yes, part of that is my fear of returning to work – something that I otherwise am looking very much forward to – part of that is simply the fact that my husband is an amazing father. He has been right in there since day one and has wanted to be. Diapers, dishes, upset tummies – he’s done them all. No hesitation and only the occasional question. I know that, as far as he is concerned, his Father’s Day will be perfect because he gets this time to be a stay at home dad, but I’m going to have to make sure he knows how much that’s appreciated – by both of us.

Maybe I’ll have GPS locators installed on all the soothers.

**********

Jenn is mom to the Magpie and wife to Mr.Q – both of whom receive frequent mention on Quarter Rest. She is appearing here today thanks to Janet’s benevolence and as part of the Blog Exchange – be sure to stop by Quarter Rest and read Janet’s post on fatherhood!

I'm all cried out...over poo.

Since it's my one year blogging anniversary and all. I've been thinking. Alot.

I've been thinking mostly that it has also been one year that I started trying to get Girl to go on the pot.

ONE

WHOLE

YEAR.

365 DAYS!

Of Potty Training.

This is my 413th post.

I have 21 posts...now 22...about the potty.

I have 31 posts referring to doodie.

and...I have 4 posts that talk about the bunghole. (Check my archives)

Can you see where my head is at? For a year. A whole shit-filled year. It's been lingering in the toilet. My head. The Toilet.

I give up.

For my one year bloggiversary, I J, the so-called-Mom of the Year do solemnly swear to give up talking, posting, writing, thinking or even for that matter using the potty. (Wait! Scratch that last one...I gotta go pee)...

Kay, I'm back.

No really, I mean it. I'm done. I'm not gonna talk about it. Anymore.

At all.

At least until the daughter of the so-called MOY (also known here as Girl) decides the time is right and actually graces her princess potty with the softness that is her buttcheeks.

Once the darling little Girl makes up her mind that placing her fluffy-arse on her plastic pot is THE WAY to go...I refuse to discuss the matter further.

And that's that. Period.

Signed,
J, the Quitter

Now, I am sure you are all delighted to read this.

Go on about your business.

And thank you for bearing witness to my newest development.

It's all happenin' at the zoo...

We went to the Bronx Zoo yesterday with one of Girl's friends "S" from school and his mom "G". She loves this boy! She had such a blast she didn't want to say goodbye to him at the end of the day.

My little girl just might be doin' some serious crushin' on this boy.

Girl after my own heart.

Sometimes I just don't understand her though.

To view the Congo exhibit, you have to drop your stroller off at a 'parking area' because its a fire hazard to bring it into the exhibit with you. (I'm still not sure what they do for wheelchairs, but that's another rant) Girl would NOT let go of the stroller. Like it was polyester gold. She was not havin' it. She refused to go into the exhibit without the farking stroller. So we couldn't go in. S and G wanted to see it but they wouldn't go in without us. What a shame. I was pissed.

So we went on with our day...and I had to calm down...(What's with he lack of patience there sweetheart?)

Then, later on at Tiger Mountain, you had to leave your stroller back and she did so with a smile! What the fuck? She is such a hormonal female. Ugh.

The butterfly exhibit was our favorite.

"Snackers"

And she loved these photo statues. She didn't want to leave here.

The day was long and busy and hot, and believe it, we got lost and had to drive through the "Boogie Down Bronx" to get to the zoo but we had a great time. To top it all off, Girl has a new friend that she truly likes to play with and I have a mom I can talk to.

G got me to calm down about our potty training dilemma too. It has come to the point where I have taken away all of the privileges Girl loves unless she pots. And I am stressed beyond belief. Girl could care less.

"I won't go water the plants with Daddy, oh well."
"I can't go swimming in the pool...kay. "
"I can't watch Tom and Jerry, maybe next time"....

She told me to give Girl back the power and when she wants to use the pot, she'll let me know. Just change her without a word about it and move onto other things. Don't mention the pot. Don't ask if she has to go. Don't look at her funny when she smells like shit. And don't threaten.

Damnit I hope this works. But didn't I do this once before?

Yes, but I can't get that 'time limit' off my brain. That idea that she has to pot by a certain age. I do not want this kid in pull ups at five years old damnit. I just don't know what to do.

I'm not leaving this post talking about potty.
Isn't this gorgeous?

They fly right to you and land right on you...Love it.

Oh! And if you're still reading....Wish me a Happy Blogiversary too...I've been bloggin' baby for one whole year.

*Cue the music*...
Happy Blogiversary to meeeeeeeeeee...

And if you're bored...go read some archives...You know you want to. I was such a nerdfart.

Search me?!

Ok, it's been a while and I admit, these aren't all that juicy! But it's what I've gotten in the past few weeks...But it does actually make me wonder...Am I getting lame-o?

Do I need to juice up the content here?

Nah....what you see is what you get, I'm afraid.

Hope you had a good weekend. Mine was quiet. Some would say boring. I wouldn't say....But some would say...

________________________________________

"Glycerine Suppositories in wrong hole" from Newnan, Georgia - I am so sorry honey!

"How to stop being a weeny parent" from Whittier, California - Are you trying to tell me something? Jerk?

"Neighbor plays the drums all hours" from Oxnard, California - Yikes! I'd be pissed off...but hey, it's better than a barking dog. Does he have rhythm?

"Red meat for morning sickness" from USA - Being I don't eat it, I think that's fucking gross...

"Panty liner potty training" from LA California - If I knew it would work, I'd try it.

"Noisy neighbors lawnmower" from Winter Park, Florida - Is it at 3 in the morning? If not, I don't think you can complain. A man's gotta mow his lawn.

"Nine Inch Nails, Mommy I know" from Netherlands - What? What?

"Am I too fat to ride a horse?" from Reston Virginia - Honey, if you're asking you probably are?

"pictures of girls with panty liners" from Dallas, Texas (I assume) - What is wrong with you people? It really isn't all that exciting to see...get a grip on reality here, wouldya?

"the twins pop out and say cheese in front of your family and friends..." from Denver, Colorado - Don't you just hate when that happens?

"peeing-dancing performance" from Zuid-holland, Rotterdam, Netherlands - What? What? Where the hell do you find that? Is there even a thing as that? Show me.

Why, I'll be...

This is why I love the blogosphere....

I have met more cool people here than in my entire life...

Mamma wrote up a petition for me to attend BlogHer... How great is that? I just can't seem to justify the trip and she spent her time to write up reasons why she wants little 'ole me there...Out of all the bloggers in the world, she wrote up a petition for me...

It's not about going on the trip. Yes, I would love to meet Mamma and all the other friends I have met here...And I know I'll get a chance to one day...And hell yeah, I'd love to go...

It's about the camaraderie and friendships I have established here in just under one whole year of blogging.

When I first started this blog, it was to keep an online journal of my life as Girls Mamma. BD and most of the other people I know were skeptical about my new hobby because I'd be exposing our privacy to compete and utter pervs.

Well yes, there are some pervs out there and through trial and error, a change of titles and themes and an overall self-awareness of what I spew...I have figured out what my personal limits are here at Dancing Through and I am comfortable with what I write about.

My online journal began to grow into conversations with new people and all of a sudden, I had this support system and I gained new readers and met other bloggers and learned about their lives and became attached to those new friends and we became one. One blogging community with a similar goal..to express ourselves...And the feedback is breathtaking! That feedback has literally brightened up grey days for me and helped me through some tough crap.

I am in awe of the people out there and the hearts they possess...

So, thank you Mamma for your petition. It may not get me to BlogHer but it sure has made me feel special.

And thank you to all of the friends I have met through this blog...I truly do want to hug you all.

Have a great holiday weekend!!!!

This is the end...

Mommy & Me is over today.

When it started, I was sad because this would be the last time Girl and I would be in 'school' together...Today, I am a bag of tears because it is really over. My little girl is growing up fast.

My little, shy girl is empowered and strong and growing by leaps and bounds. She loves school. She loves her teacher, she loves playing with her friends...But I have always been there with her.

And I still despise that Flash Card Bitch.

September, she starts five days a week, two and a half hours each and every morning without (gasp!) me. (Deep breaths. Try not to. Hyper. Venti. Late)

Gah!

I truly believe that with a little encouragement, she will separate just fine. Her school is phenomenal. I trust they will take good care of her.

But, what. About. Me?

Me?

Mamma?

The one who dies a little each time she shows her independence?

The one who cherishes her strength because I know that she will need it in this world...but the Mom who has never been too far from her baby???

Double Gah!

I wrote her teacher a thank you.
Wanna read it. It's sappy. I promise.
There aren't enough words to thank you for what you have done for our family in these past months.

Your enthusiasm for Girl and school and your patience with us has enabled her to find herself in your class. A feat I was not sure would happen. But it did.

You are an important role model for all of these children. You are their first introduction to school and you make it very special for them.

These experiences will last them a lifetime and the confidence you helped build will help them establish positive school careers.

Like the caterpillars we fed and watched grow last week, you nourished Girl's self-esteem this year and helped her build her confidence I knew she could find, but was afraid she wouldn't.

Her newfound enthusiasm helped my beautiful butterfly to emerge from her chrysalis ready to greet the world.

Girl has become a different child thanks to you. She is confident and open and more accepting of others. She enjoys playing with friends and finds comfort in new surroundings.

Without stressing it, you taught her that. You taught her that school is fun and she doesn't have to feel so afraid.

She looks forward to seeing you (even though you'd never guess it from the way she enters school) and she brags about you all the time. (I never heard her speak so highly about someone other than family!) She may not remember this year as dearly as I will, but I know you have left an imprint in her heart that she will carry her entire life.

And I thank you for that.

You have been very important to our family.

Your caring and advice (and pediatrician), your knowledge of this age group and patience with us as anxious parents will never go unnoticed in our hearts.

Like the imprint left forever in Girl's heart, you have left special memories of her first days of school that I will cherish always.

Thank you for sharing this experience with us.

With much love,

Girl and her Mom

Drop the gloves...and put on your tutu

We're bickering again. Girl and me.

Everything is a fight.

Every.

Farking.

Thing.

Put your shoes on. No.
Let's get dressed. No.
Eat your lunch. I don't wanna.
Potty Time...Nuh Uh.
Wanna go to the beach? Yes. I'll be good...
Honey don't get wet...(Ass in the water)...
OK, we're leaving...as I drag her kicking and screaming from the beach.

What a scene.

I couldn't wait for bed time tonight.

I spent this whole year trying to get her to open up and be comfortable in her surroundings and her skin. I took her to Mommy & Me, Gym class, parties, playdates. I nurtured her inner spirit and encouraged her to feel safe and happy in her own head.

I sang her songs about making friends and being independent. I taught her how to dress and undress herself. I taught her how to ask friends if she can play too...

In the meantime, as she was gaining confidence...she was turning against me.

She has become her own person.

Damnit.

She has gathered her own ideas and preferences. She has found some likes and dislikes that differ from my own. She has found her tiny niche in this gigantic world and she ain't lettin' me tell her what to do anymore.

I'm screwed.

She's starting to talk back and have at.tit.tude. I think I saw an eye roll in that head of hers today. I see her at 16 while she's still only three.

If only she'd learn that the potty is so much better than the pamper...I may be able to handle miss independence..

Uhm, nah.

Maybe she needs a new tutu...That always made me feel happy!!!
5 Minutes for Mom is hosting a contest...And I don't usually join contests...but looksee...We need a tutu...Tutu's are like cotton candy to curtsy in. I have always loved dancing in them and this company Tutu Fantasy (great name) makes absolutely gorgeous tutu's for dress up play or dance.

They would be perfect for Girl to dance around in while she jetes, pirouhettes and plies all over my livingroom...

The Tutus at this site are beautiful. I mean how cute can you get? They are handcrafted by a mom who I so want to meet...and designed to empower the dancer in all of us!

So go get your little girl a tutu..I know if I don't win the contest, I may purchase this one...

Five blogs I read and never linked to

Cherann, that confessed bookworm tagged me for a meme...I love them. They make me happy. This one in particular lets me show a little love to some people I have never linked to before or just started reading or both....

I can't even remember where I found all these blogs because my blogroll is getting kinda wiley. I always promised to keep it at 100 blogs, but that is just unrealistic since I'm addicted to so many different lives out there. I'm sure I've 'met' these bloggers through other blogs I read regularly or comments they have left.

1. Worker Mommy at Because I Must Blog is so cool and fun. I love reading about her family and her adventures. Her comments always make me smile too...

2. MetalMark at Heavy Metal Time Machine is a wealth of information on music. I enjoy reading his reviews, checking out his album covers and hearing his informed opinions on the music I love most.

3. Seattle Mamacita at Mama Mia No Sabia is amazing. She is witty and philosophical but she always remains real. Her down to earth attitude and love for her family is addictive... I wait patiently for her next posts...

4. Tiffani at Never Too Late. I just met her recently through Devilish Southern Belle. We all have the same love for men with eyeliner and long hair and they both even turned me on to new bands. I adore Tiffani's beautiful daughter and the way she writes is hysterical.

5. J. Lee from Single Mom in the City has such a wonderful outlook on life and enjoys every second with her son. I love reading about her fun times and her son's achievements.

I can't believe how many people out there bring joy to my life every day. You all make me laugh, cry and feel like I belong to something bigger. You help me see the brighter side of things and you commiserate with me when I am ready to shoot the dog. I am so in love with blogging because of the people I have 'met' here. Somehow, the world doesn't seem so small anymore.

Eat meme

Lest you think the dog is dead. Nope. Still breathing. Never fear. I'm not that mean. Miraculously, no dogs were actually harmed in the making of that last post. He has been in solitary confinement when we go out though, he eats my walls in anger/spite. Fun times I tell ya.

Hubs, you see doesn't want a crate. It's ugly. But I guess a half eaten couch and holy walls is more attractive...to some. To others, a crate would probably be a happier alternative. But for now, I'll douse the area in Bitter Apple (which Art licks like a treat) and pray for the best.

******************************
Moving on before my blood begins to boil all over again...


DSB, you are so sassy, I love it.

She tagged me for "5 eating places in my area."

The rules:
1. Link to the name of the person who tagged you.

2. Include the state and country you're in.

3. List your top 5 favorite places to eat at your location (locally).

4. Tag 5 other people (preferably from other countries/states) and let them know they've been tagged. (Unless you are like me and too lazy to actually tag anyone...)
_____________________

Here goes. Being from NYC and all...there are gobs and gobs of places to eat and drink. But the five that immediately come to mind when I think..."Hmmm, where could we go for a delicious meal, some drinks and an all around fun night out on the town?"...'Cause you know, I think that quite often...

1. Buddakan: We went there for the first time this year...Amazing food, drinks, atmosphere. Good luck getting a reservation though!

2. Monster Sushi: Sushi. Big. Mouthwatering. Yum.

3. Blue Water Grill in Union Square...You want to just eat everything on the menu.

4. Union Square Cafe: Still an all time favorite.

5. Gotham Bar & Grill:...ooh and the chocolate desserts...

(I tag you. I honestly have no patience to tag and tell)...

How do I hate thee?..Let me count the fucking ways.

1.

2.

3.

4.
You are such a shitstain. I can't even believe you are still here.

This is what I come home to after a nice lunch with my daughter.

Revenge is sweet...

(Believe it or not, he likey likey this...)

Bunny

This latest Bunny/Girl incident got me thinking.

I have told a few people about this but it hit me recently that Bunny is making herself known quite often these days. She is trying to tell me something. I know it. I know she's been around recently I have felt her close and I know I'm not losing my ever lovin' mind. I just wish I knew what she was trying to say. I hope it's just that she misses me too...

Girl knew who Bunny was way before I started talking about her. She met her for the first time (I know of) when she was about 16 (give or take) months old.

She was crying inconsolably late one night and I didn't know what else to do to make her stop. It had been going on for hours and Provider and I were both at a loss. Remember, Girl was colicky in the first few months of her life and I was so damaged by her incessant crying early on that when she finally grew out of it, I panicked every time she even welped a little...

Well, this wasn't a welp. It was full on screaming bloody murder. For hours. Upon hours. Until, I finally broke down and started crying right along with her.

We were sitting in her rocking chair. She was facing front and I was crying behind her. I was talking to Bunny in my head and asking her why she left me and how do I handle this and all that stuff you'd call your mother for at 2 in the morning when your kid is screaming...

After about 5 minutes, Girl started giggling. She broke out into fits of laughter. I'm talking screaming, crying one minute and in a split second later she changed to fits of giggles...

A warm feeling came over my neck and shoulders and all turned calm. Silent. I asked what Girl was laughing at and all she said through her laughter was "Bunny!"....

Through tears of mixed emotions; fear, joy, greif, sadness, helplessness...I realized my Mother came to us that night. When I needed her most, she was there to help.

And she's back again his month...I hope she stays longer this time...

It's in the bag

So, I can't remember where I saw this...But there were a few blogs out there purging the contents of their purses/bags and I felt like I needed a good purge myself.

So here goes.

That's my bag baby.



It's what I use for a diaper bag/purse. I have 3-4 different bags that I switch through on a daily basis but they all stem from the contents of this one in particular!

These are Girl's supplies.

Pull ups (Don't remind me)/wipes/water bottle/snacks...we never leave home without these particular items for the Girl.

These are the Mom-supplies.

Sunglasses/eye drops/wallet/keys/phone/pens (notice nothing to write on)

Next in line of importance is the toys.
We have Littlest Pet Shop Pets on hand at all times/a stuffed, quacking duck/slinky/playing cards/coloring pad and crayons. You never know when you need distractions while you are in traffic or out to eat.

Then, you have Mom's toys.
The stuff that keeps HER sane.
The iPod, always updated and charged. Socks for gym class and meditation stones that help keep the positive vibes flowing. I need all the help I can get.

The wallet.
Which carries NO cash.
But lots of plastic.
And gift/shopping cards.
(I don't even go to Stop and Shop...since the aphid incident, and when was the last time I stepped foot in a Blockbuster???)

Must. Stay. Hydrated.
Gasp.

How do I find anything in this thing?


OH! Yeah...and....

There's a body-bag waitin' for this.

This photo was shot right after I discovered he ate the ENTIRE insides of a couch cushion...He always looks guilty when he's done something wrong. At least he has the decency to UNZIP the cusion before he chows down...oh, and the poop...not fun. Must be hard to squeeze out gigantic chunks of couch from your quarter sized butthole.

Moms don't leave?

How do I convince my daughter of that when I am living proof that indeed some moms leave?

Schnuggling before a nap recently, she asked me if I loved my Mommy and Daddy. (Red flags raised..she never mentions my Mom even when I talk about her) Of course, I said yes. She continued to ask, "Who's your Daddy?" (She knows full well the answer to this since we play this game often enough) "Papa" I answered with a smile. Then, she asked a question that I knew was coming but it still totally threw me for a loop.

"Who's your Mommy?"

"Well, my Mommy is 'Bunny'." I replied stiffly, waiting for her next question that was inevitably coming.

"Where is Bunny? My grandma?"

Here we go....

In my head I'm screaming, "I'm not ready for this" repeatedly...over an over. "She's only 3 years and 5 months old! 41 months! How has this concept entered her head so soon? How do I answer her?" "She may not be too young to ask the questions but she is too young to comprehend the answers..."

I began to tell her that Bunny, her grandma, my Mommy is in Heaven. (A concept I'm not too sure of myself...but I was thrown and caught off guard.)

She asked me if I missed her and again, if I loved her and was I sad that she was not here?

How the hell does she do this?

I told her I do miss my Mommy terribly because she isn't here with me and I love her and I wish she was still here with us. I told her I was sad because she never got to meet her and I just know she would love her... the conversation went on for a few more minutes before The Girl told me "Not to worry because I'll make you feel better!" She said it to me. To my face. 3.5 years old. She even punctuated it with strong, neck-hugs! I am floored!

Then, she wouldn't let me leave her. She screamed bloody murder like I died a thousand deaths right in front of her, "Papa, Bunny, Mamma...Don't leave me!" "I'm scared you'll leave me!" "Mamma come back, don't leave me alone!"

Heartbreak.

Sheer shattered chest muscle.

You're not breathing, J. Breathe.

As I sat there rocking her close to my chest trying my damndest not to smother her with my kisses and trying even harder to convince her that I would never leave her and I will be her mommy forever...I felt guilty.

What if I do leave her?

What if I make her a motherless daughter?

I'm lying to her face.

How will she forgive me for telling her moms don't leave? When they do.

She is too young to be worried about this. She is too smart to not figure it out. She is too sensitive to forget this conversation any time soon.

I am sad that I have left her a legacy of loss and fear of being left alone by mother.

How could I do this to her?

How do I help her understand?

How do I rest her fears?

...Assure her that I am here for her...until she is older and better able to understand...that moms may leave this earth, but they can never be taken from your heart.

Why do I blog?

MammaLee, that's like asking why do I breathe? Why do I crap? Why do I scratch an itch?
But I'll play along because you know, I can't say no to a meme...

Sorry it's taking so long...I thought this would be easy.

But as you know, I can't just follow a meme...So I'm gonna switch it up a bit. I'm in a listing type of mood today. I'm making lists for a bunch of different things that need to be done this week...blogging isn't on there..but it should be.

"What would happen if I don't blog"...(of course)

1. I'd probably have to go back to therapy and spend way too much money on medication.
2. I'd just be some weirdo playing Dungeons and Dragons or Mah Jong online.
3. I'd spend more time with my daughter and she wouldn't ask me if I was done with my computer already.
4. I'd get a rash.
5. I'd have to spend more money on doctor visits and medicine for said rash.
6. I would be writing long-hand in my journal instead, that takes too long.
7. I wouldn't have these cool memories all typed up and ready to read.
8. I'd have nothing to do during those rare nap times. Wait! Change that to my house would be cleaner.
9. My DVR can't accommodate me as well as blogging can.
   
10. I would have never met these really cool blogger friends that I can't seem to live without these days.

There ya have it. Go forth and tag yourself.

Almost over.

Well, Mother's day was extremely stressful at times, but it turned out really nice in the end.

I am so tired today, I can't even go to school with The Girl.

We are gonna be lazy and run some errands.

I got two wonderful gift certificates to my favorite shops in town from The Girl and The Provider yesterday. I am quite surprised and exited to spend them.

We ended the day with dinner at Shun Lee with my family and I wound up laughing and having a really great time. We got there an hour and a half late due to an impromptu Girl-nap and they had to wait for us to eat dinner, but it turned out to be a fantastic time! Laughter was the theme of the night. And since the Girl napped, she was bright-eyed, bushy-tailed and raring to go!

I ate so much, I decided to leave you with my favorite commercial to let you know how I feel.


Hope you all had the day of your dreams.

I have one more score in my Hat Trick and my summer can officially begin without sadness...
On with it already!

Happy Mother's Day

To all mothers and daughters and sisters and nieces...

To all the women out there....past present and future. Enjoy this day made especially for you, as a woman.

I am so saddened today. I miss my mommy dearly. I just want to crawl under my covers and cry. But for my baby, I'll press on. That's what mommies do.

So, in honor of my mother, I encourage everyone to think of your own mothers with joy today. Whether she is sitting next to you tonight at the dinner table or hugging your heart in her next life...remember her with love. Tell her you love her and don't take her for granted.

And if you are not close with your mother or far from her as a person, then remember the special reasons why you are a wonderful mother. Remember the child or children that made you a mother and envelop them in your heart. I hug you all today.

Mothers give their lives, their souls, their hearts to their charges. They shape you into the person you are. They made sacrifices and made many mistakes but they love you endlessly.

Happy Mother's Day.

Bittersweet Symphony

This motherhood thing...

I know I am not the only one who feels this way, this time of year.

But, why is it always so hard?

Why can't I just enjoy the day without crying, stress, pimples, fear and resentment?

Will it always be this way?

Am I being selfish?

Am I wrong for feeling so bitter and betrayed?

Is it possible for me as a Motherless Mother to ever enjoy Mother's Day?

Or am I destined to feel this pain forever?

And when do I get to dictate what I get to do on Mother's Day? Why do I have to be the second/third/fourth mother in a line...

Will I always be this resentful?

I need to take joy in my daughter and learn from her.
I need to realize that this is now my life and I either need to embrace it or live semi-depressed forever.
I need to snap out of it.
I need a cup of black coffee and a shot of Southern Comfort.

I need my daughter's hugs and smile and maybe I even need to hold her hand for a while...That always makes me feel better.

I need to feel my mother's love through the love I feel for my daughter. Because that is the way I stay connected to her.

But this is all very difficult to do.

SAHM

I went to my old job yesterday to bring my 'remain in child care' status up to date.

I miss it.

I miss the kids. The colleagues. The principal (A big sweetheart). The Assistant Principal (One tough cookie)...The happy hours.

The Provider is quick to remind me that I always get like this when I visit there. I tend to get misty-eyed and remember only the good stuff and forget all about the bad things like the report cards, parent teacher conferences, up the butt PTA members, homework, tests, standardized tests, meetings that are useless...all that crap I complained about on a constant loop when I worked there. Top it all off, usually, everyone is grumpy, on edge, antsy, overworked and ready for the end of year by this point. (It's a NYC school don't forget)

But when I go there for a few hours, everyone is happy to see me, they are smiling, they want to hear about The Girl, are genuinely joyous over my visit. I feel sad when I leave.

The thing that resonated in my brain during this visit in particular. The question. "Are you coming back?" Constantly, from every person I walked passed.

My answer, "No, not this year."...

And the response....."So, you're still a stay-at-home-mom."

Yeah, I am. Wanna make somethin' of it?

What is with people?

Just because they work (and they know full well, I enjoyed my job) doesn't mean I'm sad being a "SAHM"...The way they ask is like I have the plague or something. Like I contracted some mysterious illness. Their blank stares and pity for my decision is frightening.

The reaction, is of course mixed for the most part. 50% of the people are genuinely happy and jealous of my decision to stay home with The Girl because you never get these years back. And 50% think I'm nuts/How do I do it ALL DAY LONG?!

I don't know either some days. I do miss my job and my place in the world shaping little minds. But this job now is by far the hardest job I have ever had in my entire life. I'm shaping a little mind that I created myself. How important is that job? Really.

So, as I think back this morning about how much fun my old job is...I look forward to my current job as The Girl's Mamma with joy and love. I love being a "SAHM" and I wouldn't change it for all the paychecks in the world...

(Sorry Provider)

Why must everything be so difficult?

I'm all over the place in my head this week. I almost feel manic in one second and depressed in another...I'm feeling underwhelmed then a shot of joy washes over me. I feel like I have energy to move mountains, then all I want to do is sleep. I cry over the silliest things, but giggle over even sillier things. I am guilty for not being the best mom/wife I can be but I still feel like I am honestly doing my best and can't do any better. Then, there's my maturing three year old.

I just want her to stop fighting me. That's all. Stop arguing every statement I make. Stop questioning my thought process. Stop. Just stop.

I am the MOTHER...You must listen to me because really, I do know best.

I know why you must not swing the cabinet doors back and forth.

I know why you must take a bath AT LEAST 3 times a week and wash/condition/brush your very long hair, and scrub behind your ears and clean your face and brush your teeth.

I know why you must not run into the street without "stop, look and listen"...and my hand.

I know why you must eat a balanced diet and not chocolate ice cream for every meal.

I know why you shouldn't have a treat every night before bed.

I know why you MUST put your poop and pee in the pot...eventually.

I know that butterflies will not gouge your eyeballs out as they flutter by, so don't be so a-scared.

I know that you need your night light at bedtime, you don't have to remind me every .4 seconds while we are schnuggling in bed.

I also know that you are testing your boundaries and trying out your newly found independence and bravado...

However,

I am the MOTHER....

You must trust ME.

You must know that I love you with all my heart and I would never let anything happen to you.
You must know that I would move heaven and earth to protect you in this world.
You must know that you are my heart and I could never see it break.
You must know that without you safe in my arms, my life is incomplete and I could never live without you.
You must know, that I want you to be independent too, in time. Not yesterday. It will happen.
You must know that I need you to slow down. It will all happen. I promise.
And I know you know that I love you forever. Out of all the little girls in the world I got the very best one!

It's all about the Mother this week....

My First Mother's Day

It wasn't when The Girl was five months old.

It was when I was two months pregnant. Barely a belly to be found and still in my regular clothes. But I was pregnant. I was a mother. I felt in in my core and I knew The Girl would be a healthy and wonderful baby.

It was the First Mother's Day that I thought about myself for once and not the loss of my own mother. It was an awakening.

I had a purpose. A reason for living. I would make the best of this day and look forward to all that motherhood had to offer. (Little did I know that motherhood also meant ppd for me)

I was ecstatic. I was growing a life and everyone now knew it. I was treated like royalty and I enjoyed every soothing second.

Looking back, I knew there was something special about The Girl. I just didn't know her yet. I felt she was meant to be and meant to be extraordinary. I was right on the money.

She has given me a joy and a reason for being beyond any words expressed. I am forever grateful that she has enabled me to have my own Mother's Day. As bittersweet as the day is to me...she makes it all worthwhile.

I'm a little retrospective these days...forgive me.

All or nothing...M.I.A

In case you were all calling 911 and search parties and such.

Don't.

I'm here.

The Dog ate my power chord to my laptop and I was unable to get online the ENTIRE WEEKEND until The Provider went back to work Monday to get the second power chord....

Talk about withdrawals. Holy Shit.

Shaking and sweating and going to check my e-mail/Bloglines and then realizing I COULDN'T...was not easy. And it's not all that good for the complexion either.

But, my Hero enabler came through for me and brought my fresh supply home to a convulsing mother. Thank the lord.

Now, I'm back on track.

On with the updates:
Amazing weekend. Lazy, relaxed. Fun.

Brought Girl to the TriBeCa Film Festival Street Fair on Saturday and had fun. She loves that city! She calls it "Big City" like Oswald does. She loves the Village, my girl!

Went to a park fair on Sunday where Girl once again immersed herself in bubbles like a wild woman. This kid loves bubbles. It's Like Kiddie Crack! Her and her mother seem to have some addictive personalities wouldn't you say???

This dog is amazing! And not in a good way. I know a few of you questioned what I did to provoke the shit stain in my debut YT video. The answer is Nada!

Just like his black and white, empty head...there's no Grey area.

It's all or nothing.

Either this...

Or this:

Someone please help me.

Why? Because I said so...

Everything is "Why?"

"Girl, don't swing the cabinet door!"
"Why?"

"Girl, We have to get ready to leave soon."
"Why?"

"Girl, I love when you color such beautiful pictures!"
"Why?"

"Girl, it's time to get ready for bed."
"Why?"

"Girl, Mommy's head is gonna explode if you ask "Why?" one more time!"
giggling..."Why?"

She's hit it.

The "Why?" stage.

It's here.

It was inevitable. However, I thought it would happen sooner.

She has always been curious about stuff. Always takes it ALL in. But now, she wants, no expects an explanation for every farking thing in creation.

I find it funny most of the time, like when I am sitting there trying hard to explain my thinking while she stares at me probably thinking...look at this poor struggling woman. But then there are other times when I want to just scream, "Because I said soooooooo!"

I've started dishing it back though...just for shits and giggles.

"Mommy, I think I need a snack."
"Why?"

"Mommy, I'm not tired."
"Why?"

"Mommy, why do you keep saying why?"
"Why?"

She gets pissed off. It's funny.

*******************************
One more Killers video, I promise.

Now, those of you who say you never heard this band...I know you know this song...

That's all...I won't torture you all again.

Before you go, can you read my mind?...

The front of the Garden...April 28, 2007

This show was amazing.

Remember when I told you that my BFF and I had something fun in the works? Well, my BFF and I went to The Killers concert Saturday night at Madison Square Garden.

You know, The Killers:


The band I can't stop listening to:


The band that totally rules my iPod these days:


That band!

K's dear husband J got us tickets...for Mother's Day! And I didn't even have his kid...But I had my own and according to him, that's what matters. Lurve him.

The crowd was fantastic and the show was too...

Cell phones...not the best resource...

Brandon Flowers is my newest crush. And oh, the way he dances!!! When he thanked the crowd for being there and allowing his band to play such a "magical" venue...I crushed on him harder.

I fought back tears during "Read My Mind"...because I started thinking of my BFF and the fact that she is moving to Texas soon. This was probably the last live show we'll go to for a long, long time. I am so sad about losing her again.

When we were in High School, her father moved her family to Alabama but we kept in touch while she was gone...(I have to dig up the letters.) Now, we just have to keep up the communication with this new adventure! But I know it will be hard with the girls growing up and all...Plus her daughter and my daughter love each other! I will miss them playing together and growing up together also.

Her and her husband are moving to Texas for a better life. I am so happy for them but so, so sad for me and Girl too. I am going to miss her, J, and their daughter Mouse terribly. K is my BFF and Mouse is Girl's BFF too. I don't know what we are going to do without them close to us.

We have truly been Best Friends Forever. We know each other since 4th grade. When I moved back to NY from New Jersey, I came to my first day of school in my purple-seamed Sergio Valente's with the Purple "V" on the back pockets. K was jealous of my jeans and I was so jealous of her hair. She always wore long ass, blonde pigtails and I wanted them badly. The sleepovers and playdates continue to today, with our very own daughters in tow.

We have been through boyfriends, girlfriends, rock bands, big hair, births, death, and happiness all within the 24 years we know each other. I hope K realizes how much I love her and will miss her. I hope Mouse doesn't forget us! I hope I get to visit her in her new home and I hope that she comes back to visit us too.

But I know that no matter what, near or far, K will 'read my mind' as always and know we will eternally be BFF's.

I love you K!

If I could talk to my Mother today

I would tell her that the years have not let me forget her, no matter how they have shaped me. The pictures in my mind are still as vivid as they were back then. I have spent more of my life without her than with her in it so the pictures are fewer. But that doesn't change the way I miss her terribly. The way my heart aches just to be able to hear her voice. The way I hear her in the things I say to my own daughter. The way I wonder what she would think of me if she knew me today. Would she like the person I have become? Would she have let me wander aimlessly through life the way I did for so many years following her death? Or, would she have led me in a different path? My questions lack the answers I so desire to hear. So, I would ask her all that I wonder.

I would tell her that I'm sorry for all the stupid things I did as a kid because I understand now. I understand what a jerk I was when I was a teenager. I understand why she was so sad when I wouldn't talk to her anymore. I would apologize for wasting that precious time with her, but I would explain that I was a scared teenager and I wasn't sure I could share my fears with her. So I turned inward and stopped talking. She took it, I think, that I didn't love her. But that was so untrue. I was afraid I'd disappoint her. I would tell her that I would rather die than disappoint my Mother.

I would ask her why she stopped fighting the battle. I would ask her why after all those years, she chose that battle to lose. The most important fight of her life. Why did she give up? Didn't she know I was lost without her?

I would tell her that I need her. I need her for advice, strength, a shoulder to cry on. I need her to help me with Motherhood because I can't do it alone. I need her to tell me it's all going to be okay because sometimes I'm not so sure. I would beg her to hug me and hold me and protect me from some of those same fears I harbor from my teenage years. I would tell her that after all these years, I still need her.

I would tell her that I love her. Because the love you share with your Mother is as unconditional as it can get. I would tell her that I know the bond you have with your Mother is unbreakable. It is what gives you strength to continue when you feel you can't. I would tell her that I wish I would have spoken these things when she was still here with me. I would tell her that I wish I would have said 'I love you' more.

I would tell her that I understand now why she did/said/acted the way she did as my Mother. Because I am a mother now and I understand. I understand why she would tell me "Mommy moved out" when I would call her non-stop from the living room to get her attention. I understand why she would say, "How 'bout a punch in the face?" when I would deny all of her options for dinner and she would just give up. She always found light in any situation. I understand now why she would yell at me when I was being moody because "life is too short to waste it on being moody". I understand those things now because I say them without thinking to my own daughter when she acts the same way I did. I would tell her that I wish she could see my daughter. I would love to know what she thinks of her.

I would tell her that the last day in the hospital was the worst day of my entire life and I wish I would have stayed even when she told me I should leave. I would tell her that I regret leaving because I never saw her again after that. If I knew then what I know now, I would have stayed and held her hand until she passed so she knew I would always love her no matter what. I would make sure she knew that I would NEVER let go.

I would tell her all this because I never got a chance to tell her when she was here with me. I would give anything to be able to tell her these things today. I would tell her that no matter what life brings or takes away, she will always be my Mommy. I would tell her that I was the luckiest person in the world to have her in my life, even if it was fleeting. If I had just one more hour with her, these are the things I would say because these are the things all mothers should hear once in their lives from their children.

I would tell her that I can only wish to be the Mother that she was to me. If I could do that, then my daughter will be just as lucky as I am.

Happy Birthday Marm. I miss you.

Hug myself

Went to the beach today (yesterday) with Girl. It was so relaxing and nice to be there with her while she skipped stones into the water. As I lay on the blanket, I took this picture:

Reminds me of when I was younger and carefree.
And not a worry.

I made sure to try to relax and breathe in the cool, fresh air at the beach. I made sure to enjoy Girl and her stone throwing and to tell her how much fun I was having with her. I made sure to tell her again and again that I was so lucky to be there with her and that I wouldn't want to be anywhere else in the entire world at that moment. I took more pictures of her and her stones. I took video of her joyful skipping on the sand.

I just tried to enjoy the moment. Something I practiced very hard to learn to do in the past few years.

That is what that picture reminds me of. Enjoying the moment. The day with my daughter.

I had fun today just being. Being with my daughter and being with myself.

I am proud of my accomplishment today. Enjoying me. Enjoying my daughter. Enjoying life.

I hug myself today...