It's So Easy

I can always tell when I need to re-evaluate my space in this world.

When I need to take inventory of my head and heart and do some spring cleaning.

It's been this way for years.

And the cues have returned.

When I was 18, I listened to three particular albums back to back every single day. Yes, albums. Vinyl. CD's were too expensive for me back then. I listened to all the tracks on these albums repeatedly. I can't even really tell you why it was these three albums in particular. But it was.

Appetite for Destruction had been out for three years already and I knew every word and tune by heart. And I connected to the overall theme of 'destruction' well back then. I felt like the world was 'Out ta Get Me'

(Believe it? I was at that show! The Ritz 1988)

...and I knew the sarcasm of 'It's So Easy' was geared towards me.


And I totally felt "So Crazy' that there was no hope in sight...


Yup, G'NR ruled my days...and nights.

Then there was Bat out of Hell...(I know) It came out when I was five years old and I wanted it so badly, I begged for my Mom to buy it for me at Camelot Music Stores in the mall. God, I begged to go to that store every day! When I got older, it was like a staple in my music collection and I started listening to it again when I was struggling in High School.

I can't even tell you how many times I played 'Heaven Can Wait' over and over again.

And 'Two outta Three Ain't Bad'

You'd think I was dying.

I wasn't literally. But inside I did.

Then there was TNT. That whole album is still one of my favorites to this day. I am in awe of Tony Harnell's voice.

The music of these three albums makes the feeling I got in High School return to this day every time I hear them.

And I woke up this morning singing these songs in my head. Autopilot. Not thinking about it...just in my head. These songs.

This means, I need to clean out my mind. I need to get motivated to trash the anger and release the tension that is building inside of me. Or I will burst.

I need to reorganize my mind's bins again. They sure are a mess.

These songs reminded me of that this morning and I gotta get to work. Amazing how music can inspire you, lead you and help you feel again.

But. It Ain't So Easy. Axl, you're a smarty. Aren't you?

Just my 19th Nervous Breakdown

I find myself digging deep within myself for patience these days.

I notice that I am talking myself through the most mundane tasks in order not to lose my cool over silly things. However, it's not working. I'm pissed all the time. And my fuse is burnt to a crisp.

"OK J...she's 3, it WILL take her a half an hour to brush her teeth and you'll be lucky she actually skims a tooth with her toothbrush..."

"This is normal J, she has to question you...she's curious."

"But she only walks at a turtle's pace because she has smaller legs than you and she is taking it all in..."

"But breakfast isn't really the most important meal of the day..is it?" "As long as she's eating something!!"

"Of course its all about her...you've made it that way for her entire life...you can't expect her to deal with sharing your time now." (Just the other day...I asked Girl to please crawl out of my buttcrack because I needed to talk to her...) She giggled. I wanted to cry.

Why am I finding it so hard to do the easy tasks of each day?

Why am I losing patience with the three year old, who really is only being three? (...and quite a terrific three at that!)

I mean really...How easy is it to be with someone on a continuous loop 24 hours a day 7 days a week without losing it once in a while?

...No matter how much your heart is overflowing with love for that person.

Even people who work three jobs and 95 hours a week get a break from their co-workers once in a while.

(NO, I don't want to go to work!)

Why can't I ever keep the house presentable? And why is the floor/sink/laundry/dog always dirty?

Why can't I call that kid's mother for a playdate when I know Girl loves the friggin' kid...but I just don't wanna be bothered?

Why then, do I complain that I have no mommy friends and no one to hang out with?

Why do I find it so hard to stay happy?

Not get happy.

Stay happy. Stay calm, balanced and just content.

What is the problem?

Bunny

This latest Bunny/Girl incident got me thinking.

I have told a few people about this but it hit me recently that Bunny is making herself known quite often these days. She is trying to tell me something. I know it. I know she's been around recently I have felt her close and I know I'm not losing my ever lovin' mind. I just wish I knew what she was trying to say. I hope it's just that she misses me too...

Girl knew who Bunny was way before I started talking about her. She met her for the first time (I know of) when she was about 16 (give or take) months old.

She was crying inconsolably late one night and I didn't know what else to do to make her stop. It had been going on for hours and Provider and I were both at a loss. Remember, Girl was colicky in the first few months of her life and I was so damaged by her incessant crying early on that when she finally grew out of it, I panicked every time she even welped a little...

Well, this wasn't a welp. It was full on screaming bloody murder. For hours. Upon hours. Until, I finally broke down and started crying right along with her.

We were sitting in her rocking chair. She was facing front and I was crying behind her. I was talking to Bunny in my head and asking her why she left me and how do I handle this and all that stuff you'd call your mother for at 2 in the morning when your kid is screaming...

After about 5 minutes, Girl started giggling. She broke out into fits of laughter. I'm talking screaming, crying one minute and in a split second later she changed to fits of giggles...

A warm feeling came over my neck and shoulders and all turned calm. Silent. I asked what Girl was laughing at and all she said through her laughter was "Bunny!"....

Through tears of mixed emotions; fear, joy, greif, sadness, helplessness...I realized my Mother came to us that night. When I needed her most, she was there to help.

And she's back again his month...I hope she stays longer this time...

Moms don't leave?

How do I convince my daughter of that when I am living proof that indeed some moms leave?

Schnuggling before a nap recently, she asked me if I loved my Mommy and Daddy. (Red flags raised..she never mentions my Mom even when I talk about her) Of course, I said yes. She continued to ask, "Who's your Daddy?" (She knows full well the answer to this since we play this game often enough) "Papa" I answered with a smile. Then, she asked a question that I knew was coming but it still totally threw me for a loop.

"Who's your Mommy?"

"Well, my Mommy is 'Bunny'." I replied stiffly, waiting for her next question that was inevitably coming.

"Where is Bunny? My grandma?"

Here we go....

In my head I'm screaming, "I'm not ready for this" repeatedly...over an over. "She's only 3 years and 5 months old! 41 months! How has this concept entered her head so soon? How do I answer her?" "She may not be too young to ask the questions but she is too young to comprehend the answers..."

I began to tell her that Bunny, her grandma, my Mommy is in Heaven. (A concept I'm not too sure of myself...but I was thrown and caught off guard.)

She asked me if I missed her and again, if I loved her and was I sad that she was not here?

How the hell does she do this?

I told her I do miss my Mommy terribly because she isn't here with me and I love her and I wish she was still here with us. I told her I was sad because she never got to meet her and I just know she would love her... the conversation went on for a few more minutes before The Girl told me "Not to worry because I'll make you feel better!" She said it to me. To my face. 3.5 years old. She even punctuated it with strong, neck-hugs! I am floored!

Then, she wouldn't let me leave her. She screamed bloody murder like I died a thousand deaths right in front of her, "Papa, Bunny, Mamma...Don't leave me!" "I'm scared you'll leave me!" "Mamma come back, don't leave me alone!"

Heartbreak.

Sheer shattered chest muscle.

You're not breathing, J. Breathe.

As I sat there rocking her close to my chest trying my damndest not to smother her with my kisses and trying even harder to convince her that I would never leave her and I will be her mommy forever...I felt guilty.

What if I do leave her?

What if I make her a motherless daughter?

I'm lying to her face.

How will she forgive me for telling her moms don't leave? When they do.

She is too young to be worried about this. She is too smart to not figure it out. She is too sensitive to forget this conversation any time soon.

I am sad that I have left her a legacy of loss and fear of being left alone by mother.

How could I do this to her?

How do I help her understand?

How do I rest her fears?

...Assure her that I am here for her...until she is older and better able to understand...that moms may leave this earth, but they can never be taken from your heart.

Bittersweet Symphony

This motherhood thing...

I know I am not the only one who feels this way, this time of year.

But, why is it always so hard?

Why can't I just enjoy the day without crying, stress, pimples, fear and resentment?

Will it always be this way?

Am I being selfish?

Am I wrong for feeling so bitter and betrayed?

Is it possible for me as a Motherless Mother to ever enjoy Mother's Day?

Or am I destined to feel this pain forever?

And when do I get to dictate what I get to do on Mother's Day? Why do I have to be the second/third/fourth mother in a line...

Will I always be this resentful?

I need to take joy in my daughter and learn from her.
I need to realize that this is now my life and I either need to embrace it or live semi-depressed forever.
I need to snap out of it.
I need a cup of black coffee and a shot of Southern Comfort.

I need my daughter's hugs and smile and maybe I even need to hold her hand for a while...That always makes me feel better.

I need to feel my mother's love through the love I feel for my daughter. Because that is the way I stay connected to her.

But this is all very difficult to do.

Stuff

When your head is buzzing and you are feeling lightheaded, you go to the doctor right? I think I may be sick, or I think I could be stressed. Which is why I haven't seen a doctor yet.

My jaw has been clenched since about Wednesday. Every time I loosen it up it clicks and my head gets a rush of blood. The headache is constant. Then I begin clenching again.

My stomach is in knots.

The dreams have been terrible lately. Dreams of loss and death and sexual abuse and murder and falling and the paranormal all swarming my nightly slumber.

Mista says I bring this on myself. Like I'm waiting for this feeling to return. But he's wrong. I have been over analyzing crap and that usually calms me down. I have been mentally preparing myself for this time of year and I thought that was working. I thought this time would be different. I was armed with an awareness like never before and more knowledge of myself and my feelings. I was wrong.

Then. A came over yesterday for a wonderful visit. But. She started talking about when Mom was in the hospital and I felt the nausea hit and the tears well up inside my eyeballs and I had to stop eating because I thought I was going to vomit all over the kitchen table.

That's it.

I can't stop thinking about it. It is my every other thought throughout the day and I am nauseous because of it.

They say time heals all wounds. That's bullshit. Time only makes you able to live with those gaping wounds and survive every anniversary. The rest of that passing time, you are in a slight fog. Pretending to be normal. Even after you have a kid. You pretend to be normal. Then the anniversaries creep up again. And all that time that has passed means nothing.

Because it's like you just lost her all over again.

And when you are around women with their mothers for special occasions like bridal showers and weddings you pretend it's all good. But you are hurting so deeply inside because you wish you had your mother during those special times. And you didn't.

But the time that has passed should have helped you heal. It didn't.
It only makes you better able to pretend it's all good. The passing of time only enables you to make believe. Where as before, you would have just bawled your brain out and maybe not even shown up for the special occasion involving moms and daughters.

That's what time does for you. It doesn't heal. It temporarily bandages.

Regrets, I've had a few...

But missing my prom was certainly not one of them.

I'm still not sure what makes this gorgeous woman think I'd have fun this time around???

But hey, she is the first person ever to actually ask me to go to the prom. I hope she'll be my pseudo date. And I just know SF will jump at the chance to dress up and go dancin'!

When I was 18, prom time, I had been getting ready for the 1 year anniversary of my Mother's death to breast cancer. I had my head in the clouds and my feet as far from reality as I could dig them. I had been out of high school for a year already and just earned my GED. I was brainlessly working in Kennedy Airport to fill some time. I was miserable. Depressed. And to top it all off, my boyfriend just broke up with me. Anus.

Prom was the last thing on my mind.

I didn't miss getting ready for the prom. I couldn't focus anyway. I didn't miss getting my hair done. I didn't have the money to do it. I didn't miss buying a frilly dress. I never wore those anyway. I didn't miss dancing to Bon Jovi's "I'll Be There For You" with my so-called boyfriend because I couldn't be there for myself let alone another human being. And I certainly didn't miss the people in High School. They could all rot in hell for all I care. Even today. What douchebags.

I did miss my Mom.

I spent a lot of that time partying at bars and going to the beach and hanging out and sometimes, occasionally dabbling in the wacky tobaccy. Prom was so out of my range of consciousness. It never once crossed my thoughtless mind to go to prom. Who would I even go with? I hated the 'boy', I hated the other kids there...the ones I did hang out with were too stoned to actually prepare for the prom so they didn't go either. I hated life. What would prom do for me?

That actual night, I vaguely remember going to see some friends play in their band at the local bar and hanging out with Bud(wiser). That's what I think I did on prom night. I'm still not too sure. If you asked me what my life was like back then, the only answer I could give you was: lost. The memories don't return to me until about age 23. That time I think I could safely say, I remember well. Before then, a total blur.

I still get sad when I think about all that time wasted and unused. I could have been something special if I just put my mind to it. But I was filled with fear, sadness and worst of all, grief for the loss of the only woman who could ever love me that deeply. Never again did I think I'd return to this world sane. I still have my doubts.

So Mamma, thank you for inviting me to your prom, because it is the only one I've ever been to, emotionally, spiritually or physically. I will try not to be a downer. And I don't have any pictures, but maybe SF and I will scrounge some up for the occasion. We do like to dance around in the living room.

Party on Wayne, Party on Garth.

Night Terrors

Fafa is a pro at Night Terrors.

The funny thing is, the only one who is effected by them is yours truly.

They are the most horrific thing you could ever witness in the dark of the evening when all is quiet. But she is unaffected, when they are over.

F used to have them often as a baby. We would always know when they were going to happen because her days would be filled with an abundance of stimulation and she'd be overtired at bedtime. She'd be cranky and fall asleep hard. Then, she'd wake up screaming and inconsolable within 10-20 minutes of falling asleep. Sometimes they lasted five minutes, sometimes 2 hours. It was that bad.

She'd scream and cry and stiffen up and punch and scratch and not be able to recognize us. She'd be petrified of BD where he'd have to leave the room because she was that frightened of him. Her pupils would be dilated and she'd stare past me and scream out. Just scream. That blood curdling screetch that you just can.not.stop.

Then out of nowhere, they stopped. For a while, it was smooth sailing at night. Full nights of full, comfortable sleep. I thought we were past it.

Then, they came back. She had three in one week to be specific.

The last one made me cry. It lasted about 15 minutes. She was stiff, fighting, biting and screaming but she softened as soon as she woke up. Popped her thumb back into her mouth and rolled over with her lovey, like nothing ever happened. She even has the nerve to ask me what I'm doing in her bed afterwards. Gah.

I am pretty used to these by now. I know what they are when they happen and I know that she won't remember them when she wakes and I know she is safe because she is in her bed and I am restraining her. I know it is because she had a busy day...but what I don't know is why the intensity?

Why are these terrors so extreme? What could her little brain possibly be dreaming about when she is looking into my eyes (but not seeing me) and screaming "Mommy I need you!" at the top of her lungs? Why is she so scared? What is she processing during the day that she's not telling me that makes her so scared at night? It is frightening. For me.

It's to the point now that she's bigger and it is more difficult to hold her down too. She punches and kicks and bites and scratches herself and I don't understand. Why the anger? Why the violence? What is making her dream this way?

She still can't remember the incident once she snaps to. But I do. It scars me. Deep in my soul. My daughter is that intense and it scares me. She's only three.

In My Dreams

So, I got sidetracked this morning...That's what I get for obsessing over Statcounter...

I had a really scary dream last night. Anyone out there who interprets dreams?..I need you.

It's fuzzy still but I woke up many times during the night, scared shit. And it wasn't because of BD's snoring 'sawing wood'...That noise can wake the dead!

I was in a dark, wood cabin. It was buried deep in the woods. Lots of trees covered in snow. It was dark. I wasn't cold. But it was snowing, crisp and snowing. I recall looking up to the night sky to see the stars and a full moon shining down on me.

I was with a family. Not sure if it was my blood family or another family. I think I was staying with a family. Not my own.

They were all vampires. Beautiful vampires. They were gorgeous women with flowing dark hair, bright red lips and sharp fangs. The men were unbearably handsome, long-haired and shirtless...(yum.) Hey, even in my dreams I know a hot guy when I see one... I was unaware that they were indeed vampires. But they turned into them slowly. Like it was a natural event. They were trying to get me to become a vampire too...It wasn't gruesome. It wasn't gory. But I was scared shitless.

They were all telling me secrets about each other to get me to turn against the other. I was confused. But I listened to every one and then I remember feeling strange when I saw the person I knew the secret about. It was so uncomfortable. Like I didn't belong in my own skin.

I couldn't escape. It was too far into the woods. I couldn't make a phone call, or get this...send an e-mail. They kept me locked in the house, not tied up or restrained, but I couldn't escape.

Every time I woke up, it was like I was still under the dream's spell and I'd fall back asleep and continue the SAME dream. It went on 3-4 times. Until I thought I heard Fa calling me softly..."Mo-mmy!"...."Mo-mmy!"..."Mo-mmy!"

I finally woke with a start and jumped out of bed. I'm not sure if she was really calling me or if it was still in the dream. Because she was still quiet when I peeked in on her.

Ugh. I can't get it outta my head.

I can forgive but I won't forget

The apology has been barely uttered.

Years have gone by.

But you can't seem to get it out of your head heart.

The abandonment, the lying, the disappointment. The pressure to forgive a person for something they have done not even to you but to themselves. It still seems so fresh and so real. It's over, but is it ever really over in your head?

She is the one who suffered. She is the one who went through it. But you feel betrayed. You feel the hurt just as deeply as if it was your own.

Life goes on. Life happens and you are supposed to forgive and forget but you have this nagging feeling of abandonment and 'how could you do this to me?' and you try too hard to ignore it but it surfaces when you least expect it, when you need her most. It surfaces and you back away, recoil. You become aware of the hurt and the pain you felt when she wasn't there and you needed her most.

You try deep in your soul to let life go on as if nothing ever happened. But it's there in your heart and you can't let it go. You feel manipulated just a little bit and a victim of her passive-aggressive behaviors brought on by such a difficult life. Yet, you continue to pretend.

You are petrified she'll leave again. She'll do it again. She'll abandon you for good and then what will you have? Nothing. Again.

You will be left alone again. Probably when you need her most.

So why bother?

Because you love her. Unconditionally. And it hurts too much to let go. You can't say anything because, you are afraid you'll hurt her by telling her how you really feel. Even if it means you can't really trust. You have to pretend. Because you love her too much to let her see that you can't trust her. You love her too much to let her know how deeply she hurt you. Even if your heart is suffering because of her.

Let there be (Night)Light

My daughter is afraid of the dark.

I new it was coming for the past week. Every night, she'd find a new reason to keep me in her bed to "schnuggle" just a little longer. She'd complain about turning out the lights ("I can't see the brown!") and cry and whimper (like the dog) as I walked out of her room.

Last night was the kicker. She cried every time I tried to leave her room. It lasted about a half an hour. I get very nervous when she has a hard time going to sleep. You see, I have this thing with the dark and whenever she starts in, I freak out a little that we'll be up all night. In the dark. I discovered I was afraid of the dark when Fa was born. It immobilizes me. The dark. I can totally understand why she'd hate it too..but she was doing so well in it.

Then, I asked her hesitantly if she wanted me to put her night light on. She answered yes, for the first time ever.

I bought this night light for her last year and every time I tried to turn it on since then she'd yell at me to turn it off..."It's too bright!"

I love this night light. It's beautiful. It's purple with a little beaded shade over it like a tiny lamp. So girly. But I was kind of happy that she didn't need it.

Well, she needed it last night.

She napped yesterday too. Whenever she naps in the daytime now, she has a hard time going to sleep. I think we are thisclose to giving up the nap entirely. Goodbye sanity.

Years from now when I let her read this entry, I'm sure we'll laugh together and reminisce about how tiny and scared she used to be...But for now, in my head, I'm a little jittery.