Stuff

When your head is buzzing and you are feeling lightheaded, you go to the doctor right? I think I may be sick, or I think I could be stressed. Which is why I haven't seen a doctor yet.

My jaw has been clenched since about Wednesday. Every time I loosen it up it clicks and my head gets a rush of blood. The headache is constant. Then I begin clenching again.

My stomach is in knots.

The dreams have been terrible lately. Dreams of loss and death and sexual abuse and murder and falling and the paranormal all swarming my nightly slumber.

Mista says I bring this on myself. Like I'm waiting for this feeling to return. But he's wrong. I have been over analyzing crap and that usually calms me down. I have been mentally preparing myself for this time of year and I thought that was working. I thought this time would be different. I was armed with an awareness like never before and more knowledge of myself and my feelings. I was wrong.

Then. A came over yesterday for a wonderful visit. But. She started talking about when Mom was in the hospital and I felt the nausea hit and the tears well up inside my eyeballs and I had to stop eating because I thought I was going to vomit all over the kitchen table.

That's it.

I can't stop thinking about it. It is my every other thought throughout the day and I am nauseous because of it.

They say time heals all wounds. That's bullshit. Time only makes you able to live with those gaping wounds and survive every anniversary. The rest of that passing time, you are in a slight fog. Pretending to be normal. Even after you have a kid. You pretend to be normal. Then the anniversaries creep up again. And all that time that has passed means nothing.

Because it's like you just lost her all over again.

And when you are around women with their mothers for special occasions like bridal showers and weddings you pretend it's all good. But you are hurting so deeply inside because you wish you had your mother during those special times. And you didn't.

But the time that has passed should have helped you heal. It didn't.
It only makes you better able to pretend it's all good. The passing of time only enables you to make believe. Where as before, you would have just bawled your brain out and maybe not even shown up for the special occasion involving moms and daughters.

That's what time does for you. It doesn't heal. It temporarily bandages.

10

Ten years ago today. Big D and I went on our first date. We went to dinner in the City and had a great time talking and laughing. He always makes me laugh...even today.

The Yankees were in the world series and I was oblivious. I was just wondering if there was food in my teeth and if I was babbling like an idiot at this totally cute guy. He kept leaving the table to go to the bathroom. I thought he had a bladder control issue. Turns out, he was checking the baseball score with his friends. The Yanks were winning the final game of the '96 world Series! After dinner, he admitted his sin. So like a good girl, (like a patient and understanding girl)...and so BD didn't have an aneurysm before the night was over, I suggested we go to a bar to watch them win the final game. He was ecstatic. I was happy for him, I just didn't want him to kiss me.

Ya see...I was gonna cancel the date that night because I was just not into it. But little did I know, he was gonna cancel the date that night because he wanted to watch the game with his friends. He's lucky he didn't cancel that frickin' date. He wouldn't have gotten another one.

Amazing how things turn out.

I love you BD.

Today

Five years ago today, I married my best friend.

I can't believe how quickly 5 years ave passed. It's amazing how when you are a newlywed everything seems easy with your new life-partner. You can conquer the world and everyone in it because you have a back-up. You have someone who has your back no matter what. You have someone to come home to and to talk with at 3am when you are afraid. Someone who truly knows your inner-workings better than you know yourself. Then life happens. Work takes over, bills get paid and you fall into a comfort zone that might make you gain a few pounds here or there.

All of a sudden, you realize you're about to embark on a new journey...Parenthood. You think it'll be cake until the baby comes. You struggle with new mommyhood and wifehood and your job and you fall away from your husband just a little bit. You are a little bitter, disappointed and sad with the whole scene. You try to stay connected to him but you are feeling low in the self confidence department and incapable of doing it all. All the while, not even realizing that the man you married still has your back no matter what. Through fights and miscommunications and sleepless nights dealing with anxiety and PPD and so much more... he still has your back. He may not be able to tell you; you probably wouldn't listen. But he's there just like before.

Then one day, after much therapy, medication and self-realization, you wake up and understand that you have a fantastic life and a fantastic husband who has helped to develop a wonderfully fantastic little girl. You have it made. Is it hard?..Wholly shite yea, it's hard. But having a partner in crime like the hubby you rediscovered is really all you need to help you get through...

This is part of my (long) story. But I realize that I have a true best friend in my husband through thick and thin...all this time he's been there waiting patiently for me to get back to myself. It took a couple of years, but I'm getting there. And he's always been here waiting.

As I sit here thinking about the past 5 years, I understand that no matter what happens, (and how crazy I can be) BD is always on my side. What else can I ask for? Knowing how hard he works for his girls and how much he loves us and how strong he is to fight for me when I don't think I can fight for myself, Jeez! I am the luckiest woman out there. And those eyes. Stops my heart.

These past five years have added a few pounds and a few more headaches and a whole lot more anxiety than I ever thought possible. But I can deal with anything with BD by my side. (And I think he secretly likes my 'mommy belly' better now than when it was flat and smooth.) I love my husband with all my heart and I know he loves me right back. He puts up with a lot of my shit and insecurities and he still has the capability of stopping me in my tracks with a look, a sarcastic comment or a funny anecdote that totally cracks me up. He is funny and handsome and so caring, and he even lets me hold the remote control and sits with me while I watch my crazy reality shows. If only I could get him to pick up his socks from under the coffee table.

Happy Anniversary BD. I love you forever. But I know you already know that.