God I need a Cafe Mocha.

Help.

Detoxing day 16.

I need a chocolate chip cookie and a Starbucks anything. Stat!

I feel great other than the severe caffeine withdrawals. (I have some farking headaches.) But other than that I have energy and I am not as tired all the time. (Funny, BD would disagree.)

I dreamt about chocolate last night. I couldn't wake myself from the pleasure of the coco. I didn't even hear BD leave for work this morning. And he tromps around like a circus full of trick elephants in the morning. I slept right through the chocolatey goodness that was my dream. Fantastic.

Maybe I have a stray m&m somewhere hidden in the bowels of my sofa?

My Little Rocker Chick.

I always drive in my car with Sirius Satellite radio glued to this station at all times. I never change it. Keep your damn paws off my damn channel, damn you! BD tries to change my opinion by putting on this or even this, but it never works. I always go back to my favorite 80's hair channel.

BD was in the car last night and he dared to change my station. When I got in the car this morning with Fa, I heard classical music and quick changed it back to my favorite spot. But I felt a twinge of guilt thinking that maybe I should expose Fa to ALL kinds of music. Especially in the car, when we sing and laugh and have fun. She shouldn't be listening to only one kind of station. Right?

Well, I turned to see what she was doing as Def Leppard came on. She was banging her head, dude. Yes, that's right. Head banging in the backseat to Def Lep! I wanted to cry. I love that she loves the music that moves me. Then, she asked if we could go home later and dance in the living room to "mommy's fast music"! That's my girlie.

I can't wait to take her to the "Monsters of Rock Concert"...that'll be the coolest ever.

Another Good Mommy Moment

I can't believe this happened today. So soon after reading Jenny's post at Mama Drama! I thought of her right away...I hope she's proud of me. I too, hate judgemental bitches.

I took Fa to Children's Place for some fall clothing. She's been a real bee-atch this past week, since being sick and all. So, I wanted to get her out of the house for a while and she needed some new, big-girl clothes. I picked up my dad and dragged him with us, he's a great clothes shopper. We were picking out some cool clothes and Fa was totally having a ball. She was showing me all the cool pieces that she loved and all the different colors of shoes that she was dying for me to buy. (I didn't cave in, I bought only what she needed!) But I saw that she was starting to test her limits and wander off.

My dad is a true sweetie, and he's great to go shopping with but he's useless when it comes to discipline. He'd let Fa juggle knives if it kept her happy, especially in public. he was letting her go farther than I found acceptable in a crowded, public place. Then, before I could call her back, she took off running towards the front door that leads to the parking lot of the shopping center. With my heart pounding, I bolted after her! Even though I'll never learn that when I run after her, it becomes a game and she runs faster, giggling harder. So I stepped up the pace. As I got closer, I reached my hand out and grabbed for her hood on her sweatjacket. I missed. And got her hair instead. But I pulled anyway to stop her because now my adrenaline is pumping and I'm livid.

This scene was entertaining the line of about 5 people at the cash register waiting to pay for their loot. One bitch right away makes the "pfft, gasp" sound that you hear when someone is truly appalled by what their virgin eyes just witnessed. After yelling at Fa to never run away like that again...(for the bajillionth time) I looked up and I stared her straight in the eye and said: "That's why I keep her hair long." And I walked away. Her mouth opened and she turned away in horror. Smelly Pirate Hooker.

What the fuck? Did she think I was playing "chase the chicken" in Children's Place? Did she think it was safer if I let my daughter run out of the store and into a parking lot full of idiotic drivers fighting for the perfect parking spot? Did she have a better option? I doubt it. But guess what? Fa didn't run from me the rest of the day.

Ya know, I'd do it again right this second if Fa ran from me. I will do it again, because my daughter likes to run from me in a public place. I fucking hate that. I need that leash now I think more than ever. I do not ever want to give Fa the opportunity to be out of my sight for a nano-second in public. There are waaaay too many crazies out there just waiting for a distracted mother to lose sight of her child. That will not be me. I'll rip Fa's hair out of her head before that happens. Honestly. Fuckin' A.

Are they really, like...naked?

Yes ma'am, they sure are!

This just might be THE funniest show I have ever seen in my entire life.

Naked Boys Singing is just that. They're naked, they're very cute boys and they sing...quite well. I loved it. My cheeks hurt so bad during the show from laughing so hard. We were in the third row (eye level to the uhm, ya know) and these boys just dance around and sing totally nudie. It was hysterical. No shame! No guilt! No shit!

At first, I didn't know where to avert my eyes. It was hard just to stare at their 'willies' but hey, as the opening number suggests...Enjoy the gratuitous nudity...So you get comfy real quick. Then, you kinda forget they are totally naked and enjoy the comedy and the singing and every once in a while, a peck or a thigh or even a free willy! Fantastic.

Of course, I didn't snap one picture of the evening, so I could post them here. I am still getting used to this blog thing and I know I should carry my camera everywhere...But, after the show, my Aunt got an autograph and a hug from her favorite cute boy...Of course she would. Then, we ate here...great food. I highly recommend it if you are on Broadway. They have a little bit of everything. Including Bruscetta...Right Aunt? Then we checked out the hotel Dream. It was right next door to the restaurant. This was a fantastic place with a few great lounges to hang out in. Yummy.

I guess with the entire night focusing on the male genitalia, my cousin was in the mood for a giant Cannoli. So we went downtown to Holy Cannoli, Ferrara's, in Little Italy. We had fun. All in all it was a great night out and I enjoyed the company. It was so much fun to see my cousins again. I can't wait to do it again. I think next time, we should see this. Whaddya think ladies? Are you up for it?

I've Graduated/Wanted: A Hobby

It seems my therapist has given me the option to Graduate from her services...for the time being. (What is she thinking?) I took the option and celebrated my 'freedom' from therapy for a while. So as of today, I'm therapy free. Not sure how to take that. Am I happy, relieved, scared, sad? I always have the option to go back if needed. So that's that.

Refreshed. Yes. Refreshed. I feel good. Haaay! da da da da da...I knew that I would..da da da da da da da (Thanks to Detox and Unda 18) and I am cautiously optimistic that I have this thing called life together...for now. (BD might like to add a few side comments here...but he can do that in his own blog if he wants.)

I'm trying to find some new hobbies aside from shit and diapers and detox. I met a new 'friend' over at Matching Moms and she goes Salsa dancing with her man. I am so jealous. I wanna go Salsa dancing with my man. But we tried that once already. I forced BD to go to to dance lessons before we got married because I was NOT about to have my new husband not want to dance with me...he joked around the entire time. We got nothing done during the hour long lesson. I'm sure the instructor was more than pleased that we never went back. So now, I need a new hobby. When I was young, it was roller skating and stickers, then it was dancing and boys, now its poop. Great right? I gotta get a life.

I'm going out with my Aunt, cousins and Best Friend tomorrow night. That will be a whole other post. I am excited. I plan on drinking a few Margaritas and eating something other than chicken and rice...then I plan on (air quotes) 'overload detox' with Vitamin B and Magnesium to get the bad out from the night out. I hafta see the holistic therapist on Monday, so I hafta be clean otherwise all this week was in vain.

What am I gonna wear? Should I wear high heels or low ones? Are we gonna do a lot of walking? Low heels. Are we gonna use a car? High heels. Can I fit into my skinny jeans? Will I wear a bra or not? Yup, bra is a must? Unless, slappin' someone in the head with a boob is an option, a bra is a necessity. I hope I fit into my skinny jeans. I have been hardly eating...jeez, I can't lose this baby weight watching Flavor of Love that's fo sho.

Is my therapist sure about this graduation?

Bird Outside

Bird Outside 8-06
Originally uploaded by Wonder Mom & Princess Stinkfoot.
This is a drawing that Fa created yesterday. Since being sick, she's had a lot of time to devote to drawing. It's a past time that she really enjoys. Just like her grandpa! I can not believe how her drawings are really becoming objects with details and specifications. Before they were just circles and scribbles. Now, she is not only drawing her Mommy & Daddy's faces (and bodies), she is drawing objects that she loves...Like the birdies outside. I can't believe all the details she included in this particular piece. It's like MOMA in here...

What's with the Whining?

Can I have a little cheese with that whine Lady?

Fa is such a whiner lately. I know she's not feelin' well, but hot damn, cut the crap already. She's funny though because when I call her on it she stops whining and starts talking like a 30 year old man, using her best non-whiney-deep-voice. It makes us both laugh. I sure hope she gets better soon 'cause I'm gonna start whining if she doesn't.

Fa being sick has brought on a whole slew of TV shows we haven't seen yet because we've been pretty active up until this point. (Except Go Diego Go...I can't help but hate that show). We love "Hi-5"! Another plus, we found Sesame Street again. I have always loved this show, but today a new level of sentiment swept over me. The bit where Prairie Dawn plays the piano while Ernie, Cookie, Herry Monster, Bert and Grover recite poems about the parts of the face. Classic! I love that they all bust Prairie Dawn's chops, she's such a perfectionist. I mean, your working with monsters and Bert & Ernie lady, get a grip! And brush your hair, it's wily!

I remember watching that as a kid. And as I sat on the couch watching it with my kid, I felt a sense of calm and recollection taking me back to when I was little. That was always a great show not just for the content but for the memories. I can't believe I sit and watch the same sketches that I did as little girl, with my little girl.

So, whine and Sesame Street. A pretty good combo, if you ask me. But change the 'whine' to perhaps a nice Fume Blanc, and I'll be just fine.

Saucy Chicken with a side of Buggie Poop...

Saucy Chicken:
Wow. This 'cold' seems to have brought on some new saucyness to Fa's attitude today. She is just so outgoing and talkative today...What has come over her? She has begun to start acting more like a three year old than a two year old. How did this happen? Literally, overnight.

I know when she is sick I give her a little more leeway with certain things. Like, ok-pretzels for breakfast, as long as she's drinking water it's okay...But now she has begun to catch on and take advantage just a teeny weeny bit. "I want my water in the big girl cup, not this one." or "Pretzels will make me feel better, then I'll drink my water." Um, what? Who are you and what did you do to my easy-going FaFa? How did you 'get it'? Are you on to my white lies that always worked to make you do things easier now? Do I hafta start disciplining like you are a real kid? I like making up stories like 'the pretzel fairy ate the last of the pretzels so you hafta eat chicken or she'll be sad.' Even though there's a full bag in the pantry.

She got sick last night in the middle of the night. I think she was full of mucous and couldn't get rid of it, so she threw up. We woke up just in time to get her to her door and the bathroom; vomit on everything in between, including her and myself...at midnight. Would you believe, after the crying and the fear, she calmed down and demanded books to be read to her.
"Now, Mommy, I think I want to read these now!"
"Uhm- how 'bout bedtime?"
"No, read these, they'll make me feel better, then nee no."
"Yes, boss!"

I hafta call Fa's doctor today to bring her in for a check up. Even though she has a well-baby on Thursday. I just wanna make sure everything's A-OK.

A Side of Buggy Poop:
Good news and bad news on the Pup-front.
Bad news: The dog STILL has buggies AND roundworm. Great. Once again, he's on meds for the bugs. A stronger dosage this time around and the roundworm was treated in the office. I just love this pup.
Good News: We love our new vet and he fully vaccinated the pup. He's ready to meet the world. We junked the wee wee pads and we lock him in his crate when we can't feed him, walk him, train him or play with him; according to the new God/Vet's recommendations.

We'll see now how that goes. I have been up most of the night so, I am not happy.

Things I'm learning with Fa's new cold...

1. Banana can get sneezed out of your nose.
2. Fevers don't stop this chick.
3. Temperature taking has reached new heights. She's stronger and smarter...("There's no way your putting that thing in there lady!")
4. RT will never care if she's sick, he'll always eat his poop at the most inconvenient time.
5. 'Go Diego Go' is a horrific show.
6. She can nap on the couch.
7. Boogers and phlegm come out of no where and land everywhere.
8. You now wimper like a puppy to get my attention.
9. Even at this age, you know how to play the sympathy card, quite well.
10. I will always melt when you look at me with watery eyes and say with a stuffy nose, "Mommy, I don't feel good."

32 Months

My Beauty,
You are 32 months today, (2 years and 8 months old.) You had a bad day today Fa. I'm sorry. It started out okay and ended well, but the middle part left a lot to be desired.

I took you to Babies 'R' Us today, you wanted to come along for the ride. (You actually told me so.) I had to get a new diaper bag because my other one was too close for comfort with some larvae...In the meantime I bought a gift for a friend. You were so happy to come along with me and we were singing and you were such a pleasure in the car and in the store.

It was hot in the car though, you were reading your books and eating your cheesey Big Bird Crackers and as soon as we got to our garage, you threw up all over yourself. It was terrible. This is only the second time you have ever thrown up in your life and you were not happy. You were so concerned about your pants. You were sad that they were dirty. All you wanted to do was clean them...We cleaned everything, but couldn't get the car seat cover off the seat, so we threw it out. (I had to go and buy another one while you were napping later on.) I also had to go get the car cleaned. (Regurgitated Cheesey Big Birds are hard to wash out.)

Your explanation: "I had a bad car ride!" That's it. You are so easy-going and happy all the time. Even when you are sad or not feeling well, you always find the best out of everything. I wish I could be like you. You are the light of my life and the song I sing in my heart. I wish I could think like you and find pleasure in the small things like you do. You are a joy to know and I am honored to be your mother. I couldn't ask for a better little girl, ever. Out of all the little girls in the whole wide world, how did I get the very best one?

You didn't nap today and you were just waiting for bedtime tonight. In your tub, you asked if it was 9 O'Clock yet. I told you it was, even though it wasn't...You wanted to go to bed, I wasn't about to stop you! Have sweet dreams tonight my love. I always do when my dreams are about you.

Thank you for another wonderful month. Every day that passes is another gift. You bring tears to my eyes with your smile and your laugh. You make me laugh when you sing and make up songs all on your own. I can not believe that you have memorized as many books as you have. I woke up this morning to you in your crib reciting this book, word for word. It amazes me; the concentration you possess and the ability to recite books the way you do. Your energy and attitude is contagious and I envy your strength. You are having a wonderful summer and I am so happy to be sharing it with you. I love you Fa. Forever.

Love,
Mamma

Unda 18

No, that's not how old I wish I was again. (I'd never do that again, even for a Billion Dooooollaaaaars...pinky to mouth)

That is a drainage therapy that I have started as of yesterday. I went back to the chiropractor/homeopathic therapist yesterday and she said my whole body is "out of whack". Literally.

She has begun the process of adjusting my spine back to normal again (I am quite crooked) and she started me on the detoxing treatments. I also have a very restricted diet to remove all possibilities of anything adding toxins to my body. I can only eat the foods that she tested on me that don't irritate my body right down to the cellular level. I have been surviving on these foods ...an issue, but they are making me feel crummy so I guess, I'll just hafta adjust. Today, I can not have coffee..(I plan on having one cup at breakfast or I WILL DIE), no vegetables at all or any root veggie, no wheat, oats, rye, (any carb...ugh), dairy and hardly any fruit.
On the positive side, I can eat:

• water
• blueberries
• chicken
• turkey
• all rice products
• any beans including green beans
• sweet potato (yay, love those)
  
• eggs
• UNDA 18

Finito. That's it. I can survive on that, but oh so frickin' borink!

I have also explained to her that I am thinking of going back to antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds but I wanted to try something homeopathic first. That is her specialty. So, she is starting this with me as well as chiropractic and physical therapy. N.E.T is very new to me, so I am very interested in its healing properties. I hope this works. I guess, just being excited about something is a first step, huh? It is quite an interesting process. I'm still learning about it as the treatments continue.

I know initially, I am going to feel like I am detoxing drugs out of my system. I am already starting to have withdrawals. Seriously. It feels like you are getting sick, before you actually start to feel great. I've done the detox thing before and it sucks big beans during the initial stages but once you are clean, you can even see better. It is amazing. I am looking forward to that. At least I know this crappy feeling only lasts a few days, until the hurtful shit it out of your system. The good feeling lasts a whole lot longer. The last time I detoxed was over a year ago, and now I'm doing it again. That's a pretty long time. For me, anyway.

So wish me luck. I am already starting to crave caffeine...Starbucks? Shit, no.

A Conversation About a Lady Bug

Mommy & Daddy: (Getting Fa ready for bed) Fa you have a Lady Bug in your room tonight! What is she doing here?

Fa: She came to watch me sneep!

M & D: Look at her go...she's running all around your lamp! I can't believe she is here in your room!

Fa: (Laughing hysterically) 'Noogather' (Translation: Look at her) She's so crazy!

M&D: (after about 10 minutes of watching Lady Bug) Well Fa, we can't keep her here in your room or she'll be very sad. She needs to go home. Maybe we should open up your window and send her out.

Fa: Net's net her go to see her Mommy & Daddy. She'll go to the park and pnay soccer with her Daddy and then she needs to take a tubby and get her burpies; pink burpie, green burpie, white burpie, and super pink burpie...Her Mommy will rock with her and her Daddy will read to her and she'll go to sneep in her big girl bed with all her burpies. Do you think she will read "10 Nittle NadyBugs" to her Mommy nike I do? Which nadybug is she? Is she one of the red nadybugs or the orange nadybugs or the yellow nadybugs?

M&D: What color was she?

Fa: Red. She was one of the red nadybugs in my book. She went home to see her Mommy & Daddy because they make her happy and they nove (love) her and put her to bed in her big girl bed at night. And she sneeps on her pinnow with a bnaket. Bye nittle nadybug, bye!!! Sneep well!

Truthfully, we never set the 'nadybug' free. She walked swiftly to meet her maker before we got to her. She walked right onto Fa's halogen light bulb...hadta be at least 2,000 degrees! She fried herself on the spot. But we pretended to scoop her up and open Fa's window to set her free...No point in telling Fa that she cooked in the lamp in her room....she'll never sleep again!

More Bugs in the System

I can't even stand it anymore.

We have moths.

You know the ones, they start out as larvae in food and junk. "Pantry Pests".

Little grey moths that have been flying through this house even before we moved into it.

It's like a horror movie:
We buy this great new home and it is infested with ghosts...um, moths.
(soft whisper) "Get Out!"

The family that lived here prior, were dirty animals. They left this place a mess. We had to hire a real cleaning crew to come in the middle of the night and do a 'clean sweep'...Literally, they came at midnight because it was such a big job.

Well, we didn't get rid of the flying fiends. Despite all of our concerted efforts. We have failed. They are still infesting our space. I am so surrounded by pests, and I can't escape. Help.

So, I am in my pantry yesterday afternoon, looking for a yummy snack. I hit the tub with chocolate and granola in it and...BAM...Little white larvae crawling around inside the tub. How the fuck to they get in there? I didn't even hafta open it, it was see-through. I saw them all. Crawling around like they own the place...Ughhhh I'm so farkin' itchy right now.

The moths fly freely throughout the house and we kill them left and right. But it never seems to work. Well, poor BD hadta come home from work last night and vacuum all the little holes inside the "cabinests" (you know where you hang the shelves from). They were building nests inside of them and hatching. Ugh. I really just can't take it. I had to take Fa out because she is terrified of the vacuum. She'd have a heart attack if she saw what BD was doin' last night. So we had to stay out of the house for two whole hours. Yes, you read that right. It took BD two hours to vacuum each and every frickin' hole in the "cabinests"...Now let's see if BD got the little bastards.

To top it all off...My toilet is overflowed (yet again) this morning. I dunno why it only happens to me? I swear, I didn't even use it like that....I just threw some toilet paper in for fuck's sake. I purposely didn't 'go' in it because it always overflows on me. And I just had a feeling. Now, I have towels surrounding the overflowing commode. Now what?

Can I get a 'do over' on the past 3 days or so?
------------------------------------------------------------
Updated to add:
My morning so far: (a replay of the last hour)

• wake up with Aunt Flo
• shower and stop up the toilet
• watch said toilet overflow onto the tiles
• lay towels
• blog
• cry
• clean toilet and bathroom floor
• clean crate overflowing with RT Pee
• pick up RT poop before he eats it
  
• cry
• throw towels covered in toilet juice in wash
• blog/cry simultaneously
  

Putty's Urn

I made this Urn in ceramics for my poor "Putty". He passed one month after Fa was born. I miss him so much and I still love him dearly. He was 20 years old when he left me. He adopted me when I was a kid and he was a spoiled, rotten mush ever since. I will never have another pet like Putty. He was like my son. He slept on me every night, wrapped around my shoulders like a mink stole. And he was NOT happy when BD and I moved in together. He was kinda kicked outta the bedroom...Never to return again. BD used to get 'grossed out' when I'd kiss him full on the lips...He was so yummy. I loved his lippers. I called him "Lippy" and mushed his face. BD used to think I was nuts. We still laugh about it today.

He was a great little cat. I have many fond memories of him.

A letter from a "PMSing" consumer to the manufacturers of TIDE laudry detergent...

Thank you Melanie! I needed this.
_____________________________________
Dear TIDE:

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have. I've used it all of my married life. As my Mom always told me, it was the best.

Now that I am in my thirties, I find it's even better. In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow, I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of TIDE with Bleach Alternative and to my surprise, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative. Shortly after that, my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through PMS is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you,once again, for having a great product.

Well, I have to go now. I gotta write a letter to the HEFTY trash bag people.

Thanks,

Millie

I Got Nuthin'

**Alternate Title: Mondays Suck!**

All weekend, I thought about blogging. Just didn't feel like it. I'm in a bad mood. I hate everybody and I wanna stay in bed. Damn PMS.

Poor BD hasta live with me and even Fa is looking at me funny. Yesterday, after I walked Shithead and he had diarrhea all over the street....I get back to the house and Fa says to me, "Mommy, be happy."

It's so obvious that even my 'closer to three year old' is noticing.

Well, she better get used to the fact that life isn't always a bowl of cherries covered in chocolate. I hate it though, when she sees me this way. It makes me even more sad.

I'm in such a bad mood...Coffee doesn't even help. I couldn't even drink it yesterday. It pissed me off that it was so hot and I was addicted to it. So I got mad and threw it out. Now I have a crankin' headache. Pissed? Uh, Yup.
________________________________
Updated to add: 9:30am I had 2 cupsa' coffee...Still nuthin'
I thought of another alternative title for this entry: Bite Me...In honor of Marijuana Muffins!!! I wish I had one to bite! hee hee

How to Make a Duck Circle

As many of you know, Fa loves her duckies. She loves to make duck circles with them that look similar to these mysterious masterpieces...So, in order to educate the masses...Together, we decided to organize an Expository piece of writing on proper duck circle arrangement. My last batch of fourth grade students (who are now 7th graders) would be proud...

1. Dump the duckies out of their purple crib and anywhere onto the floor.
2. Make sure the most important ducks roll under the couch or wall unit.
3. Ask Mommy to crawl on her hands and knees to retrieve them. (Why should you do it?)
   
4. Line them up by their names. (ie: Mamma duck, Baby duck and Daddy duck all go together)
5. Make sure you have everyone in order. There still may be a runner under the coffee table.
   
6. Draw a 'to-scale' plan on construction paper with the proper tools (Crayola).
   
7. Begin to arrange them one by one into a semi-circle.
8. Stand in the middle of them to make sure they look good.
9. Rearrange them one by god forsaken one in a different line.
10. Re-asses their order and regroup one by one (yet again) if necessary.
    
11. Arrange them into a complete circle one by frickin' one.
12. Ask them if they are happy.
13. Tell Mommy to take a picture to preserve prosperity.
14. All in all, you should take as much time laying out the ducks as you do rearranging them and putting them away.
    
15. Start all over again.

There, now you have it. Go get yourself a few hundred duckies and get quackin'!

My Big Lady

Once again, I am marvelling at the sight of my daughter growing up a little more every second of the day.

Yesterday, I was watching her interact (and play so nicely) with her two older cousins, A & G. Her oldest cousin, A is 11 and Fa adores her. She follows her around like a puppy and A is amazing with Fa. She really handles her well. A takes care of Fa and looks out for her, its nice to see; and I don't have to worry when A is around.

Fa thought she was 11 yesterday. She ran around with the big girls and played with them in the yard. It was like she matured into this 'Big Lady' right in front of my eyes. The morph from a 2 and a half year old into an 11 year old was quite unexpected. I have never seen her act like that. When we are home or even when we are on a 'playdate', Fa is still my little baby. But yesterday, as she was turning right in to a butterfly before my very eyes...she was a 'Big Lady'. I will never seem to get over her changing out of that tiny little caterpillar stage.

Part of me wants to keep her in that cocoon for as long as I can, but the other 85% of me wants her to grow, mature and be independent. It kills me. But I know that is what must be done. I am feeling very sentimental this week about my little girl. For some reason, I don't want to see her grow anymore. My heart hurts when I think that this little baby is growing into a real little girl. When she was born, it felt like the colic and crying would never end. I prayed that she'd grow out of that pesky, needy, infant stage... tut suite! Now that I am there, watching her toddle on the precipice of baby and big girl, I am sad. I want it to stop. Here is where I am yelling; "Stop the ride, I wanna get off!"

I didn't think I'd ever make it through the infant stage. I thought I'd jump off the Brooklyn Bridge with the terrible tantrums...Now, after all of that, I wanna go back. I want my baby girl back in my arms...Drinking from a bottle and rolling over for the first time. I am not ready yet (once again) for the next stage of development. She may be raring to go, but I'm scared. I want my baby back. But I do love my Big Lady with every thing that I am...

Breathe

So my windows are open this morning. My air conditioner is NOT on. I am breathing in the fairly cool morning air for the first time since fall. This is the smell of 'pumpkin pickin'. You know how a certain smell can just lead you right back into a moment? Like Tequila...How I remember those nights...

Fall is my favorite time of year. It reminds me of 'going back to school' as a kid and as a teacher. Everything is new. New clothes, new books, new class, new schedule. The air is crisp and you can start pulling out your sweaters and buying new ones. Ooooh I love 'sweater season'!

Then winter comes and everything gets slushy and old and cold. It all happens so fast, you don't even remember fall anymore. I am making a promise to myself to enjoy fall this year. This is going to be the second fall that I can be home with my daughter without planning for work. I can just enjoy our time together once again and I will remember what it was like to have to plan to go to work. Lesson plans, schedules. Stress. I will not have that again this year. Thank you BD.

Last fall, I was nervous that I might have to go back to work. I was stressed the entire school year. I was worrying that we couldn't do it and I'd have to leave Fa. The whole year, I was fearful that I'd have to leave to go to work. I couldn't truly enjoy my time with my girl. Now, don't get me wrong. I loved working as a teacher. I loved the kids, the school I was in, the friends. But I couldn't do it after Fa. What with PPD and the anxiety and the fears. Now that I am more balanced out and I know that we can handle this with me being home. I am more relaxed. (My husband is more stressed.) But I am more relaxed.

Fa and I are very lucky that we can be together. I haven't given up my career, or my life. I've just put it on hold for a little while to raise my wonderful girl. My choice was partly due to PPD (I fully expected to work full time before she was born) and partly due to the fact that I didn't want anyone else raising her. My plans changed, but for the better. I am thoroughly enjoying being a mommy, knowing that I worked very hard to get here. I wish I could do this forever. But I know that eventually Fa will be in school and I will hafta 'move on'.

I am signing her up for her very last 'Mommy & Me' ever. It is in a preschool that plans for separation. Next year, whether we're ready or not...It's Fa on her own. She was born December 20th so she misses the December one cut off date here in our neighborhood. (Lucky for me, I get to keep her to myself for another year!) But I do feel that she is missing out on something by just being home with me all day. And she will be the oldest in her class. But, as I am writing this I am realizing that this 'Mommy & Me' will be our very last together. She is moving on.

I need to learn to do that too. I must enjoy every class together and snap lotsa photos because there will be no more after this. She is becoming a big girl and more and more...for the love of god, more independent than I ever was. I see her changing and growing into this little lady, with emotions, thoughts and preferences. How did that happen? It feels like I just brought her home from the Hospital. There it went again. I blinked and it kept going without me even noticing. Like fall, like the school year...just like life.

I better learn to enjoy these moments more. I have to stop being so fearful and anxious. I have to stop and smell the doodie diaper before it's all gone. I really just have to learn to breathe...

Bugger!

Ugh. I know I keep saying that I'm not gonna talk about this farkin' dawg. But he STILL has those buggies in his poop.

I am so grossed out, I could spit.

To top it all off...I sent in a sample of the infected shit on June 27th...go ahead...do the math. That's 12 days...no call from the vet to tell me his poop is being invaded. I had to go there for vaccines for them to finally open this dawgs files to discover his infestation. I'm disgusted. They had his medicine in the office waiting for me to pick it up. How could I pick it up if I didn't know I needed it in the first place? Why didn't they call me after 5 days to ask why I haven't picked up the meds? Didn't it occur to them that after 12 days of the meds sitting on the counter, maybe I need to get phone call?

Then, THEN. I tell the vet that I have a two and a half year old in my house and this full-of-shit dawg dances all over his poop after he shits and before he eats it. She almost gagged herself. Then...THEN....she tells me: "Well, if your daughter has diarrhea or vomiting...call the pediatrician." Thanks you fucking genius.

So the moral of my story. Find another vet. NOW!

Reality TV Check

***Warning*** This post has nothing important to say!
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Please, I beg you, tell me someone out there is watching the new season of Flavor of Love and Celebrity Fit Club on VH1. (I can't wait for Surreal Life too...and did you see there's a Gene Simmons show on A&E coming up! My husband thinks I'm crazy to waste my time on such nonsensical nonsense..but I get a real giant kick outta shows like these. Vapid, mindless entertainment with heart. I love it.

So last night, on Flavor of Love (Fla-vor Faaaaaaav!) towards the end of the show, one really obnoxious chick (who has been bustin' everybody's chops since the show started) bent down and took a shit right on the marble floor. Then she got up and walked away to the bathroom. She just couldn't hold it in for Christ's sake. Was she wearing underwear? She shoulda come here...there's shit everywhere. There was also a cat fight within the first few seconds of bed-claiming, and the girls are sooo catty. Meow.

THAT is entertainment.

I looked forward to these two shows all weekend. I couldn't wait for Sunday night. I am so happy watching shows like these because it lets me escape reality for just a little while. (Not like my reality is so horrific that I feel like I need to leave) I just like watching other people make fools of themselves. Poor Flav is lookin' for love in all the wrong places. Where, oh where does he set up the casting call for these women?

Then there's Celebrity Fit Club. Oh, those poor stars of old, trying to reclaim some sort of dignity within themselves. It must be hard getting old in the celebrity spotlight. Poor Tina Yothers. In real life, she'd be a perfect (and beautiful) mother of a daughter (who's name is Lily who wears a "Social Distortion Bib". Love it.) She'd probably be happy with the way she looks because her friends and family love her...She'd exercise and try to get rid of the dreaded baby weight that every woman gets. But on TV and in the public eye they make her look like a freak. Erika Elleniak, the model from Baywatch also had a baby. All they did was give birth. Is that so bad? They made these poor women look like they didn't care about themselves. (Hey they built a human for Christ's sake!) It saddens me, but I love watching them now compared to what they looked like when they were 'stars'. Even better, I love, love watching their transformation into fit, healthy people. That Harvey is a machine. I'd like him to come here and get me healthy again. The whole process makes me smile.

It's the little things in life people. And reality TV is my little thing. It makes me happy. It makes me not feel so bad about myself. If stars have issues, (even the ones who are beautiful) then why am I complaining? But then again, what is beautiful? I think this is beautiful...
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**I warned you...Nothing to see here.***

Beautiful Girl

I am obsessed with two small things about my daughter. I adore her feet. (As my close friends will agree) I paint her toe nails very week and I snap cutsie pictures when we are done.

I am also obsessed with her gorgeeeeous hair. It is long, brown and has these natural banana curls at the end...Like a supermodel. People pay thousands of dollars to people like him to get hair like the stuff she has naturally. She gets complimented on it every time we go out. I wish I had hair like hers.

The past few weeks, I have been debating on when and if I should cut her hair. Not chop it all off like she has lice or anything, just a trim. She gets it tangled and hates to have it combed, especially when it's wet. We have started fighting to keep her sitting still while I comb it or fix it up in her fancy hairdo's. So, I broke down and made an appointment to get her first haircut ever....today.

She, as always, was a champion. She got to sit in a fancy, pink Barbie Corvette...(I have always wanted one as a child) and watch Barney (which she totally wasn't into) while she got her trim. It didn't even phase her that there was a strange woman standing behind her with scissors. She just wanted to sit in that car all day long.

Now, this child is petrified of blow driers and vacuum cleaners. (I know I've mentioned that my carpet hasn't been vacuumed in at least 3 weeks). This place had both wonderful pieces of machinery. But, she just hung out in that pink sports car and got her hair cut without apprehension. I was on the verge of tears, of course, but I held it together for the child. Daddy even came along to support her...It was a great experience.

Until it was time to leave, then the receptionist put the frickin' vacuum on and she panicked a little...Just for a second...It turned out to be a fantastic time and I will take her there again when it's time for a trim. Everyone was so nice and supportive and they all understood that this was her 'first time' and treated us with smiles and love. They even gave us a 'Certificate of Merit' for her very first cut ever. They attached all the trimming from her cut to the back of it. How cute.

When she's 16, I better hide the pictures because she'll definitely use them to talk us into a real pink Corvette for her birthday. She'll say something like: "Remember when you took me for my first haircut and I got to sit in the Pink Corvette? Well, I was such a good girl then and all the years following that. I think I deserve a real one now!"

We'll see who cries then.

Mommy...we have a problem.

Sitting and drinking my coffee (and blogging) are a few of my favorite things to do, in the early morning before Fa wakes up.

This morning she happens to be awake earlier than usual. She's yelling, "Mommy, come in here. I need to see you. I have a problem!" So of course, I go. I can't let her face a problem alone, right?

I enter her room to find her sitting up, stiffly. I ask her what the problem is and she says, "I have a boo boo on my knee." Now, I know her knees have been getting scraped a lot this summer. They are pretty much healed for now except a few bruises. It isn't that. But I pretend. I offer to kiss the 'booshes' so we can be on our way. I pick her up out of her crib to find that she is sitting stiffly in a puddle of pee. Her nighttime diaper leaked (Huggies suck and I can't ever find Cruisers in a size 6) and she was embarrassed to tell me.

I asked her if that was the problem, and she said that it was and she doesn't like being wet. So she then proceeds to tell me with a very straight face, "Mommy, we solved this problem together." I am still trying to scrape my jaw off the rug in her room!
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(Do I have the very best little girl in the whole wide world or what?)

A date sure isn't what it used to be...

Funny Story (I think).

I was going out with my best friend Wednesday night. BD was coming home tired from a long day of hot, sweaty work (sexy) and he was going to take Fa out to dinner. So, I unwittingly told her she was going out on a "date" with her Daddy. She got all excited! The conversation goes like this..No Joke:

"Can Pink Burpie come with us?"
"Yes, of course baby, Pinkie comes everywhere doesn't she?"
"Is Mommy coming with us?"
"No baby, I am going out with my friend."

Here's where I should have been suspicious...but I wasn't...

"Can we RIDE on the date?"
"Yes, baby you will ride in the car to go on your date!"
"And the garage will say vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvrrrrrrrrggghhhh!" (She has a fascination with the garage door opener and anything that makes loud noises, my carpet hasn't been vacuumed in 3 weeks)
"That's right baby...And you will have so much fun with Daddy on your date! He's going to take you to the diner and you can eat anything you want there and even have ice cream for dessert..."
"NO DINER....I want to go ride on the daaaaaaaaate!!!"

Oh, OK! So. She thinks a date is something you ride on like the "Tea Cups" at a carnival!

Insert Temper Tantrum.

BD comes home to Fa screaming: "I want to go with daddy on a date!"
He also tries to explain that a "date" is something fun you do with a friend...or your daddy...Uh Uh. Nope. Not working. Fa expects Tea Cups, Merry-go-Rounds, Choo Choo Trains...

Don't we all really?
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* Since 'date night' she has been quite interested on going on a 'date' again. What the hell have I started here?

Today

Five years ago today, I married my best friend.

I can't believe how quickly 5 years ave passed. It's amazing how when you are a newlywed everything seems easy with your new life-partner. You can conquer the world and everyone in it because you have a back-up. You have someone who has your back no matter what. You have someone to come home to and to talk with at 3am when you are afraid. Someone who truly knows your inner-workings better than you know yourself. Then life happens. Work takes over, bills get paid and you fall into a comfort zone that might make you gain a few pounds here or there.

All of a sudden, you realize you're about to embark on a new journey...Parenthood. You think it'll be cake until the baby comes. You struggle with new mommyhood and wifehood and your job and you fall away from your husband just a little bit. You are a little bitter, disappointed and sad with the whole scene. You try to stay connected to him but you are feeling low in the self confidence department and incapable of doing it all. All the while, not even realizing that the man you married still has your back no matter what. Through fights and miscommunications and sleepless nights dealing with anxiety and PPD and so much more... he still has your back. He may not be able to tell you; you probably wouldn't listen. But he's there just like before.

Then one day, after much therapy, medication and self-realization, you wake up and understand that you have a fantastic life and a fantastic husband who has helped to develop a wonderfully fantastic little girl. You have it made. Is it hard?..Wholly shite yea, it's hard. But having a partner in crime like the hubby you rediscovered is really all you need to help you get through...

This is part of my (long) story. But I realize that I have a true best friend in my husband through thick and thin...all this time he's been there waiting patiently for me to get back to myself. It took a couple of years, but I'm getting there. And he's always been here waiting.

As I sit here thinking about the past 5 years, I understand that no matter what happens, (and how crazy I can be) BD is always on my side. What else can I ask for? Knowing how hard he works for his girls and how much he loves us and how strong he is to fight for me when I don't think I can fight for myself, Jeez! I am the luckiest woman out there. And those eyes. Stops my heart.

These past five years have added a few pounds and a few more headaches and a whole lot more anxiety than I ever thought possible. But I can deal with anything with BD by my side. (And I think he secretly likes my 'mommy belly' better now than when it was flat and smooth.) I love my husband with all my heart and I know he loves me right back. He puts up with a lot of my shit and insecurities and he still has the capability of stopping me in my tracks with a look, a sarcastic comment or a funny anecdote that totally cracks me up. He is funny and handsome and so caring, and he even lets me hold the remote control and sits with me while I watch my crazy reality shows. If only I could get him to pick up his socks from under the coffee table.

Happy Anniversary BD. I love you forever. But I know you already know that.

I probably should be happy about it...

...RT is eating his poop so much that I hardly have anything to clean anymore! It's wonderful. But oh, so gross. I can't stand the thought of him licking us. He eats his poop then he licks my daughter's hand. UGH!

This can't be normal. Last night after we fed him, we waited for him to go before we put him in his crate for the night and he never went. Oh, but yes, I say, he did go. He just ate it before we could find it. 'Good boy', I think. Poop dessert. Yum!

Now I:

• Hafta find out what to give him to make him stop eating his poop.
• Start walking him regularly after eating, to avoid the poop feast.
• Start a whole new schedule of puppy training all over again.
• Enroll myself into Creedmore...that's the closest asylum in Long Island, I believe.

He goes for more shots this week. Hopefully, the vet will have some suggestions. If not, Anyone want a Boston Terrier? Cheap.