Well my sweet feet, you are three years old. Officially in 8 days, but you have grown in the past month like I can not believe. These past three weeks have been full of exploration and self-discovery for you. These past three years have been filled with joy, happiness, love and insecurity. But all the while my love for you blossoms. I am grateful for your soul and for your lessons on life and love. I am forever honored by your presence and I will always be unconditionally in love with you.
It seems like yesterday, when I found out you were a girl and I saw you suck your thumb and yawn in your sonogram. You were 13 ounces and oh! so tiny. But I could tell you were filled with strength just by looking at your tiny, little spine. We watched you wiggle and stretch and we fell instantly in love. I couldn't wait to meet you.
Your first year was very difficult. I had a hard time finding my 'Mommy Footing' and you had a hard time adjusting to the world. I was off balance and feeling very insecure about my new role as your Mom. It felt like it took the entire year to bond with you and have that connection that all new mother's dream about. I still regret not feeling closer with you sooner but I know it all worked out exactly the way it should. You were insecure, sensitive and colicky and so was I.
I was very sad when you were born. I missed you not being in my belly and I was scared and unsure of myself because I felt like I didn't deserve you. I felt like you deserved better and I was on a mission to find you the perfect Mommy. Back then, I wasn't aware that she was in fact, me.
I worked very hard to make myself strong for you and to learn how to deal with life as a Mom. The responsibility and fear is overwhelming and I wasn't sure I could do it. Especially since I didn't have my Mommy to help me. I didn't have anyone to ask. I didn't have my Mom to tell me I could do it. I was never expected to do anything as important as be your Mommy and I was scared I'd fail you. And all along, all I really needed was to trust myself and to trust you.
I regret the fact that your first steps and first words along with many other firsts were clouded by my insecurities. However, I am thankful that you taught me how to enjoy life and relax a little and take each day in baby steps just like you have been doing from the beginning. Our development together is astounding. I am proud of us. I am watching you grow and learn and break new ground in your world as I do the same in mine. We walk side by side and step by step with just the right amount of learning and teaching. We are a great team, my girl. We are getting there together.
Then came your second year. It was so much fun. We found our formula. We enjoyed each others company and had a blast spending time together. You were growing exponentially. You were strong and smart and developing so quickly. Your milestones were met...tenfold...and you amazed us with each new action and word. You were a talker and a singer and a fantastic dancer...and you discovered your body in your second year of life. You discovered all the fun things it can do like jump and run and play. You still play with all your might. I envy your enthusiasm for every new thing.
You realized that you are independent and smart and capable of many things. And you realized that you have likes and dislikes and opinions that matter. You figured out that you can indeed choose your own socks even if they don't match the rest of your outfit. And you yelled and screamed to make sure you were heard clearly. You discovered you love to be free to play soccer and basketball and run in the park and you can do it all on your own. The possibilities are endless.
In your second year, I was lost there for a while as your Mom and I feared that our connection, if cut, would lose me as a person forever. I couldn't give you up to others, I couldn't leave you with anyone else. I couldn't fathom you living your life separate from mine. But I realized that we both have needs and sometimes they are not for each other. We each need other things like Daddy, and friends and love from others to make us stronger. We need to find self worth and self esteem separate from each other. And we need to know that we are always there for each other, but self-efficiency is quite important in order to maintain a healthy and strong mind-body relationship. You, my darling, have taught me that.
You discovered that you are definitely independent of me and you are your own person. In fact, I also discovered that even though I will always be your Mommy and I carry your heart in my chest, I am independent of you too. We are not the same person and we both have opinions and ideas that matter and I love that we can share them together as 'sistas', but most importantly as Mother and Daughter.
You discovered that the world around you is large and filled with many different people and things. A lot of it frightened you and you were very shy and cautious. You took your time warming up in new situations (you still do) and you were very cautious with new people (you still are). But, my darling, when you were comfortable in your surroundings you sure did shine like the brightest star in the sky! I am amazed at how comfortable you are becoming in your world. As I am in mine.
You have taught me the importance of trust and love and understanding all while you were learning the same things in your life. You have taught me to trust myself in spite of myself. If you can find the strength in me that I thought I was missing, then I can keep it there for you too. If you trust me to teach you about life and relationships and love, than I can be confident enough to do it for you. I must do that for you. I am your Mother. Your first role model. The one you will love and hate and be embarrassed by all in a matter of seconds. But I must be strong for you and help you learn that no matter what, I will always love you and be there for you.
Your third year has been an eye opener for the both of us. You have finally found your voice and you know how to use it. You are finally more confident to speak up when you want something not just from Mommy & Daddy but from other people as well. You are beginning to understand that the world around you is very large and can be scary at times but you always find a way to cope with fear and anxiety and you try your best to enjoy your time wherever you are. You are truly a work in progress and I am so proud of all that you are learning about yourself.
It is difficult sometimes for you to have fun in new surroundings but you are such a happy little girl. You fall asleep singing in your bed every night and you wake up singing in your bed every morning. What a joy it is to see you enjoying life and being so happy. I never saw such pleasure in making up songs and playing with toys and 'imaginary truck friends'. You truly have this toddler thing down. I worry sometimes because I want you to be happy and I question sometimes whether you are. But when I see you smile and hear you sing, I know you will be alright.
I am not surprised. You always reach great heights with every attempt at something new. From feeding yourself to sleeping in a big girl bed to hanging out with family and friends when Mommy goes someplace by herself...Generally, being a three year old. I've found that you do it so well.
I love the way you get your own snack from the snack cabinet and hand it to me (always with a smile) to put in a bowl. I adore the way your baby talk has bloomed into full blown speech and your language is so mature and smart. You communicate your feelings even when you'd much rather throw your toys or your lovey when you are mad at me. And, you tell me when you are mad at me and the reasons why. I love the way you chasse and skip, never walk, all over the place. I love the way you observe every little thing and point out your new found knowledge to me. It makes me see things in an entirely different way. You teach me to really see things for what they truly are, not just look at things as they may seem from the outside.
You have become so loving and affectionate and I love the way you wrap your arms around my neck and plant sweet, sweet kisses on my cheek with a "smack". I love when you tell me that I am your "favorite Mommy ever" and "Daddy is the best Daddy of all time". You melt my heart when you say thank you and tell me you love me every night after I tuck you into bed.
You are creative and funny and silly and smart. You have imaginary friends and you are so caring toward them, making sure they are fed, happy and healthy and not afraid of the lawnmowers or vacuum cleaners. You truly care about their well being. How did you learn compassion so easily? How did you learn that being nice is important to others? How do you know when to use sincerity?
Thank you my love for giving me the best three years of my life. They are trying at times, scary at times and overflowing with joy all the time and I wouldn't change a second of it. I am in awe of you and your heart and your soul. Your smile and your laughter melts me to my core and makes me feel like I can do anything as long as you believe I can. With you and Daddy by my side, all is perfect in the world. You are my family and I adore you.
As I watch that helpless infant fade from your face and see you transform into a confident young girl, I am saddened by the loss. But I will always look back on those first days with fondness and joy, and I embrace the new little person you are becoming. You envelope my soul. I love you with all my heart and I will always take comfort in knowing that out of all the little girls in the world, I got the very best one.
