We decorated the tree today!

Yay us!
We put up the Christmas tree today.
We had a ball setting it up and putting the ornaments from
"the box" on the branches.

This is what it looks like in the corner of our living room.

Right to the side of the front door.

This is our beauty from another angle.

We had a wonderful day, filled with more tradition and fun.
I just adore my family!

Another tradition!

I'm on a roll here...boys and girls.
Last night, we took Fa to the village tree lighting ceremony here in town. It was freezing but there were refreshments, caroling, the Christmas Tree and the big guy himself. Fa could care less about the man in the red suit (we can't even utter his name in the house). So we didn't get any pictures of him. He was busy handing out candy canes to all the good boys and girls anyway.

A new tradition has begun! It was so much fun. We laughed and snuggled to keep warm...I took many pictures of the wrong tree before it was lit. Then, we went home and opened up Fa's third box on her Advent calendar...She looks so forward to that every night.

I am really getting into the Christmas spirit here. I am proud of myself because I am having fun while I am not forcing the issue...it's just coming naturally. Our holiday cards are almost finished. I just have to get some address verifications from BD with his family overseas, then I can send those suckers out too. Hey, I'm having fun. Cool.

At her age, Fa is really making this easy. She is excited and cautious all at the same time and I love that about her. I would love a Santa photo op. However, I have resigned myself to the fact, like the potty thing, that she will get to it on her own time. Once she truly realizes that the Red Man is cool, she'll totally give him her wish list.

In a few weeks my little baby girl will be a full blown three year old. Where has the time gone? I am so happy to be starting these memories with her. When she gets older, she may not remember last night, but I will and I'll remind her about it often even when she's too cool for her Mom. I am so proud to be her Mom and the title scares me sometimes. I just hope I can do it justice. I want her to be proud of me too. Whoever decided that I deserve her gets a big hug and smooch from me that's for sure. I am forever thankful for her presence in my life. I tell her every night since the day she was born; "Out of all the little girls in the world, I got the very best one!!!" And I am truly blessed.

A-Z of me + A New Tradition

Today's December 1st! I am starting a new tradition with my daughter. (yay me) I bought her an Advent calendar from Starbucks, (of course) to count down the days 'til Christmas and give us both something to look forward to. (I realize I am not teaching her the exact idea behind 'Advent' but I am doing what feels right for me...I am introducing the concept which we can research, or not, when she gets older and decides for herself)...I am very excited for her to see this calendar. I remember when I was a kid, my mom did the same thing with me. My Aunt would buy the calendar every year, and Mom and I would open it every night, piece by piece, day by day...I looked so forward to that little piece of chocolate! I begged to open it days sooner and she always told me, "Go ahead, but when you are done and there's no more chocolate to open...that's your problem." Ha! Whatta woman. Lay it all out there. So I am starting my first tradition with my girl. I am very proud of myself.

Also,
...I've been doing a lot of these lately...I'll just do them, they make me smile...if you read it and comment I love you for it, if you don't, that's okay too...

Thanks Mel...See, I told you I'd get to it...

A-Z of Me !!!

A - Available/Single? Married for 5 years!
B - Best Friend? SF, BD, K, G
C- Cake or Pie? Cake, chocolate, rich, creamy...yum.
D - Drink Of Choice? Coffee...injected into an IV if at all possible.
E- Essential item you use every day. The telephone. 
F - Favorite Color? Purple, or as we say 'round these parts...'poi-ple'.
G - Gummy Bears Or Worms? Yuck, neither.
H - Hometown? (born in ) Queens, NY
I - Indulgence? French Fries, Pizza, Chocolate, Sushi
J - January Or February? February...It's my Birthday!
K - Kids Their Names? 1, Farfallina
L - Life Is Incomplete Without? Hugs
M - Marriage Date? August Third
N- Number Of Siblings? 1 kinda, sorta brother...Hummm...I smell a post coming on...
O - Oranges Or Apples? Apples, with peanut butter
P - Phobias/Fears? Jesus...I'd be here all friggin' day. I'll just say yes.
Q - Favorite Quote? "Sometimes you have to jump, and build your wings on the way down"
R - Reason to Smile -My daughter
S - Season? Spring
T - Tag Four People? Now, I just won't do it...If you want to try this, go ahead.
U - Unknown Fact About Me? With this blog, there is none...Um, I love to sleep.
V - Vegetable you dont like? None...
W - Worst Habit? Complaining too much.
X - X-rays You've Had Recently.. My teeth...no cavities thank you very much.
Y - Your Favorite Food? Mexican, Japanese
Z - Zodiac Sign? Pisces...I don't smell like fish.

Turkeys, Ornaments and Memories...Oh, my!

This is a long one...Come back when you have time unless you are in the mood for a good vent.


Jesus. The holidays are upon me. Here we go again. It seems I can't get away from dealing with this shit. There is a point throughout every year when it all just has to get dealt with. From the 'Hat Trick' to the Holidays. I'm never away from it.

Thanksgiving is my Dad's favorite holiday. He loves turkey and he lurrves that crazy cranberry-can shape-globule. You know the one, he practically begs for it every year. I love spending time with him and Thanksgiving is no different. It's just that with Fa, now everyone wants to get a hold of her for the holidays and there is just not enough time in the day. I miss him during the holidays when I am not with him. And I am not the 'social butterfly' that you may all think I seem to be...hee hee. I like it quiet. At all times. Even the holidays. I have reasons.

I am a hermit and the holidays just make me shake. With all the people and touching and hugging and kissing. Ugh. And they don't even do it to me. They do it to poor Fa. Who also hates being mauled. I hate seeing her so uncomfortable in the crowded atmosphere of the holiday table. I get that 'Mamma Lion ready to pounce on anyone who makes her cry' feeling in the pit of my stomach. (And anyone getting in her grill makes her cry too). It makes me so nervous.

I have read in all the parenting mags that forcing your child into a crowded situation does not make her more comfortable. People must keep their distance and let her warm up. But no one wants to hear it. I want to cry. I know I make it worse because she feeds off of me and she knows when I tense up in these surroundings. Then, she gets just as tense. I try to breathe deeply and reassure her that its okay, but inside I am a tangled mess of sickly intestines and she knows it. Damn intuition.

Then, after turkey day. "The box" comes out. My therapist knew this box well. It took a long time to acknowledge "The Box". I didn't have a Christmas tree for years and when BD and I were living together and he finally wanted one, we only had lights and bows. I didn't want to deal with "The Box".

You see, it is filled with all of the ornaments that I had as a kid. The same ornaments that my Mother held so dear to her heart. Every year, she'd pull out "The Box" and reminisce about her past and show me her favorites and listen to Johnny Mathis on the record player while she happily put up the tree. I loved that day. I loved seeing her happy! Tree trimming day. We would watch "A Charlie Brown Christmas" and all those other Christmasy shows with "Rudolf" and "Charlie in the box" at the Land of Misfit Toys. Then, we'd slap Johnny Mathis on the record player and get to work. Every year, I wished that day would never end.

Well, boys and girls. That day does indeed end. And then, it leaves you with hurt and sadness and grief and you never want to see that "Box" or that day again.

Until Fa came along. I had to get "The Box" out. I dreaded it. But it was inevitable. I had to spice things up during the holidays for her. Her birthday is 5 days before Christmas so I had to get in the spirit. It sucked. I hated it. Especially the first Christmas when she was five days old. I was a mess of ppd. Damn, you couldn't even look at me or I'd cry. But then, the next year it got a little better and so on and so on. This year, I want to start new memories, but I don't have anyone to ask how to do that. All of my holiday memories are stunted. And memories of my Mother are vivid but few. How do I create a happy place for the holidays when I am not feeling so happy about the place I'm in?

These days, I can take out "The Box" without hysterics. However, that feeling in the pit of my stomach always returns. I am torn. I want Fa to enjoy the memories that we make together but why does it have to hurt me so much? Will it ever get better? Or should I say, will the pain ever get duller?

I pray Fa understands that she is my air and she is what makes me tolerate another holiday season. I do it all for her. Holidays are brighter because of her and I cherish her for that. Now, how do I create some really special memories for me and her to share? How do I create memories that will dull the sadness in my heart and bring a smile to our faces throughout the holidays and beyond? How do I teach her that memories are a great resource to go to when you are down, when my memories bring me so far down?