Jesus. The holidays are upon me. Here we go again. It seems I can't get away from dealing with this shit. There is a point throughout every year when it all just has to get dealt with. From the 'Hat Trick' to the Holidays. I'm never away from it.
Thanksgiving is my Dad's favorite holiday. He loves turkey and he lurrves that crazy cranberry-can shape-globule. You know the one, he practically begs for it every year. I love spending time with him and Thanksgiving is no different. It's just that with Fa, now everyone wants to get a hold of her for the holidays and there is just not enough time in the day. I miss him during the holidays when I am not with him. And I am not the 'social butterfly' that you may all think I seem to be...hee hee. I like it quiet. At all times. Even the holidays. I have reasons.
I am a hermit and the holidays just make me shake. With all the people and touching and hugging and kissing. Ugh. And they don't even do it to me. They do it to poor Fa. Who also hates being mauled. I hate seeing her so uncomfortable in the crowded atmosphere of the holiday table. I get that 'Mamma Lion ready to pounce on anyone who makes her cry' feeling in the pit of my stomach. (And anyone getting in her grill makes her cry too). It makes me so nervous.
I have read in all the parenting mags that forcing your child into a crowded situation does not make her more comfortable. People must keep their distance and let her warm up. But no one wants to hear it. I want to cry. I know I make it worse because she feeds off of me and she knows when I tense up in these surroundings. Then, she gets just as tense. I try to breathe deeply and reassure her that its okay, but inside I am a tangled mess of sickly intestines and she knows it. Damn intuition.
Then, after turkey day. "The box" comes out. My therapist knew this box well. It took a long time to acknowledge "The Box". I didn't have a Christmas tree for years and when BD and I were living together and he finally wanted one, we only had lights and bows. I didn't want to deal with "The Box".
You see, it is filled with all of the ornaments that I had as a kid. The same ornaments that my Mother held so dear to her heart. Every year, she'd pull out "The Box" and reminisce about her past and show me her favorites and listen to Johnny Mathis on the record player while she happily put up the tree. I loved that day. I loved seeing her happy! Tree trimming day. We would watch "A Charlie Brown Christmas" and all those other Christmasy shows with "Rudolf" and "Charlie in the box" at the Land of Misfit Toys. Then, we'd slap Johnny Mathis on the record player and get to work. Every year, I wished that day would never end.
Well, boys and girls. That day does indeed end. And then, it leaves you with hurt and sadness and grief and you never want to see that "Box" or that day again.
Until Fa came along. I had to get "The Box" out. I dreaded it. But it was inevitable. I had to spice things up during the holidays for her. Her birthday is 5 days before Christmas so I had to get in the spirit. It sucked. I hated it. Especially the first Christmas when she was five days old. I was a mess of ppd. Damn, you couldn't even look at me or I'd cry. But then, the next year it got a little better and so on and so on. This year, I want to start new memories, but I don't have anyone to ask how to do that. All of my holiday memories are stunted. And memories of my Mother are vivid but few. How do I create a happy place for the holidays when I am not feeling so happy about the place I'm in?
These days, I can take out "The Box" without hysterics. However, that feeling in the pit of my stomach always returns. I am torn. I want Fa to enjoy the memories that we make together but why does it have to hurt me so much? Will it ever get better? Or should I say, will the pain ever get duller?
I pray Fa understands that she is my air and she is what makes me tolerate another holiday season. I do it all for her. Holidays are brighter because of her and I cherish her for that. Now, how do I create some really special memories for me and her to share? How do I create memories that will dull the sadness in my heart and bring a smile to our faces throughout the holidays and beyond? How do I teach her that memories are a great resource to go to when you are down, when my memories bring me so far down?
9 comments:
Janet,
I can't even pretend that I know how you are feeling. I wish I did have those warm memories w/ my mom but things were always so crazy at holidays (and regular days), lots of fighting going on. I know you are thankful for having those memories with her, and I am happy for you that they are good memories. There is hope to enjoy the holidays, you know your mom would want you to pass along those fun times with SF of how you remember it being with her. You are a tough cookie, even though you think you aren't as tough as your mom. You are...just in different ways. Just like SF will be a strong little woman...maybe not just like you, but she will be because of what you taught her.
I have yet to finish my first cup of coffee, so this may be a little mumbled.
Like Carolyn, I do not have warm and fuzzy memories growing. Fights, threats and drunken disorder was "normal".
Hang onto the happy times. It is so so horrible you lost your Mom. I feel like I know her a little, from your writing. You have her with you when you parent and that is amazing. Sometimes it is hard for me because my Mom was gone when I was 6 months old, so I figure anytime is better than what I got, but others cannot see it that way.
I make new and better memories every year. I take from TV and make it work in our family. This year we are so making cookies and placing carrots out for Santa and his reindeer. One step at a time ... then our children will totally get that they are why we want to be better than we once were, everyday.
Share with SF what u did with ur mum too.. then she'll have memories of u and her grandma too.. =) have a fun holidays!
I can relate somewhat. Christmas with my grandparents was so different and very special. When they both passed, things changed. It was very difficult on my mother. She tried to do some of the things her mother used to do, but at the same time, she tried to do some of her own things.
You'll create your own memories and traditions. I think you just have to go with the proverbial "flow" and see what happens.
I'm also like you in that I'm not into a lot of people and a lot of hooplah at the holidays.
What you don't realize is that you have already set traditions and awesome memories in your child's head. And hugs for you when you open your box this year.
J this is the wonderful thing about having children, see the holidays are a time where you can get lost in the wonder that you see in your child's eyes. Get caught up in the whimsy. Create a new box called the "happy box". Make cookies and decorate them, sing songs of old and new, wear garland like boas and dance around with your pj's on backwards. Talk to SF about the gun times you had with your mom. Holidays are about sharing ... Everything!
It daddend me to think that you have a miserable time during th holidays! I lost my grandma 4 days after X-mas and Miles' birthday is the day before her death and that burns me but I refuse to let it get me ! I always talk to him about her and it makes me cry. It hurts deep as hell but I know for a fact I can hear Florence tell me there are plenty of other things to cry over don't let me be one of them!
I agree with the ladies' comments create new ones. Reinvent yourself for the holidays.
Now you know I tell it like it is so her it goes my dear... Plz love me after I say this ... you ready? Who knows what your mom was faced with when the two of you
were creating your memories but she allowed herself to to be in the moment with you just as I know you will with SF! You are lot stronger than you give yourself credit for!
I think I have the longest comment in the history of blogging!
lub u
mel
I'm so sorry, Janet. Keep the memories going for SF (as I know you are...). I hope you have a great weekend, and know that I'm here for you if you need to talk!
I feel your pain, here. I always think the holidays are going to be so magical and then I get into the same room with "them" and they drive me crazy. I always wish that I'd have stayed home in my jammies all day. Ugh.
I need a typing tutor! As a teacher you can get the meaning from context right? Jeez!
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