I just finished reading it a few days ago. I'm not much for writing book reviews but I somehow feel compelled.
This novel is about a young girl who gets into irresponsible situations with men because her High School English teacher destroyed her innocence. He basically took advantage of her as a child by using literature as his weapon to seduce her. Then, he left her. While he was gone, she went into this "finding what she lost phase" with all of these different derelicts. Eight years later, the shithead teacher comes back to her, with new insight to his mental state. He quickly begins pulling her down into this torrent of sexual delinquency.
Throughout the entire book, you root for this damaged soul to escape from the life of sexual cruelty posed against her. She tries to escape, but just doesn't make it. What a disappointment. The ending of the book was such a let down that I almost cried. Not because she didn't make it out of that life, but because I don't know if she ever makes it out of there. I guess Ms. Maguire is either a fantastic writer or just missing something. I still can't figure it out. I wanted this female protagonist to emerge from her circumstance successful. I just don't know what happens to her. It just kind of ends right in the middle of her turmoil. Did I miss something? Am I supposed to create and alternate ending? Will there be a part two? I'm not sure.
The writing in this novel is rich and descriptive, almost to a fault. I mean, I really didn't need all that sexual detail...A little left to the imagination would be nice. True, I'm all for 'dirty books' and all and sexual content can be a treat. I am no prude, that's for sure. However, it was quite disturbing at most junctures in the book. The things she endured, Christ. It was unreal.
All in all it was a page turner. Which is why I was so disappointed in the end. I am sure however, that I will reach for another Emily Maguire book when I see it on the shelves. I am a sucker for a page turner. And I will continually hope that her other books have complete endings.
Interested?
Monday, October 30, 2006
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Missing Putty
I loved my cat. He was 20 years old when he died and his name was "Putty". He became mine when I was 11. I have never felt a love like this for any other animal. He was a black beauty with fur as silky as a spider's web. His eyes were deeper than emerald. I loved my cat.
I remember when he was born. I lived in a town in Queens at the time but my parent's owned a home in a town in South New Jersey. We were there for the last weekend in October and I was very upset that I was missing Halloween with my friends. I wanted to be a ballerina with a bright pink tutu because I had just started dancing school. I liked to pretend I was a beautiful swan dancing on the stage for some fictional ballet company that I imagined I would own. My audience always threw the most beautiful bouquets of red and yellow roses. My other ballerina friends would be performing without me that weekend. My entire sixth grade world was ending.
In our NJ home, my dad called me into the room where "Momma Cat" was waiting patiently for her brood to be born. After three stillborn babies, there was Putty. He was so small you could fit him into a three year old's palm. His back was contorted as if he was twisted into a spiral and his black fur was wet with the remnants of his mother. He was the sole survivor. He was mine. I promised to care for him until the day I died.
My life changed that day. I was so sad for missing my universally brilliant performance of Swan Lake. However, my new baby was here. He needed me. I was to be his new mother because his birth mother denied him of her love. I felt on top of the world. There was not a standing ovation that could take the place of this event. But I was scared. I was needed by someone to keep alive. What if I failed? Could I ever forgive myself if I allowed this beautiful boy to die? I was on a mission of love. I fed him with an eyedropper. I rubbed his belly to help him digest when he was finished eating. I cleaned him until his fur sparkled like diamonds. He was mine. I was his. We needed each other then. We needed each other always.
After 20 years of loving Putty, I can not imagine how I could have survived my teens and twenties without him. He was there to comfort me. He heard me cry and complain. He shared my pain. He took part in the joys of my life and he will be a part of me forever. Putty was very old. His bones began to creak when he walked. He did not eat like he used to. He had renal failure and blood issues. He got tired and weak and some days he just was not the same.
Friday, October 27, 2006
Nap times...few and far between!
What is happening here?
Since the big girl bed..which we all happen to adore by the way! Naps are harder to come by. Fa came across this new found freedom that she never new she had, up until just recently. I put her in her bed for a nap and then I leave her room. I peek through her key hole (this OLD house has those old-fashioned keys and keyholes) and she pops right out of bed to commence playing. It's truly hysterical. She lays in bed all nice and snugly and as soon as I click the door closed...she's off..How does she know to sneak like that? I didn't teach her that. Do girls just have this automatic gene that sneaks them out of bed without the parents looking? I'm in for it when she's a teenager, huh?
Well, when Fa doesn't nap she's "Godzilly". (that's what we used to call her when she was learning how to walk) She stomps and screams, whines and cries and spits fire throughout the house...Alright maybe not the fire thing, but you get the point. And when she naps, she goes down so late because she was too busy playing alone, in her room without Mom hovering overhead. I'm sure she loves that. But then, I have to wake her from her nap and soon after, get her ready for bath and bed. It's terrible. She's pissed if she naps and I have to wake her and she's pissed if she doesn't nap.
But hot Jesus in a snow suit, do I need a break. I need just an hour. Even day laborers get a lunch break, yes? I'm not complaining. Just trying to work out a system where we all benefit here.
So, I have been allowing her her 'quiet time' in her room. To play, read, relax, catch some z's. Whatever. It seems to work but she still has some issues at bed time. Can we all say 'Pissy Pants'?
How did you deal with losing the nap, when the time came? And then, how do you deal with the bedtime stall later at night?
Since the big girl bed..which we all happen to adore by the way! Naps are harder to come by. Fa came across this new found freedom that she never new she had, up until just recently. I put her in her bed for a nap and then I leave her room. I peek through her key hole (this OLD house has those old-fashioned keys and keyholes) and she pops right out of bed to commence playing. It's truly hysterical. She lays in bed all nice and snugly and as soon as I click the door closed...she's off..How does she know to sneak like that? I didn't teach her that. Do girls just have this automatic gene that sneaks them out of bed without the parents looking? I'm in for it when she's a teenager, huh?
Well, when Fa doesn't nap she's "Godzilly". (that's what we used to call her when she was learning how to walk) She stomps and screams, whines and cries and spits fire throughout the house...Alright maybe not the fire thing, but you get the point. And when she naps, she goes down so late because she was too busy playing alone, in her room without Mom hovering overhead. I'm sure she loves that. But then, I have to wake her from her nap and soon after, get her ready for bath and bed. It's terrible. She's pissed if she naps and I have to wake her and she's pissed if she doesn't nap.
But hot Jesus in a snow suit, do I need a break. I need just an hour. Even day laborers get a lunch break, yes? I'm not complaining. Just trying to work out a system where we all benefit here.
So, I have been allowing her her 'quiet time' in her room. To play, read, relax, catch some z's. Whatever. It seems to work but she still has some issues at bed time. Can we all say 'Pissy Pants'?
How did you deal with losing the nap, when the time came? And then, how do you deal with the bedtime stall later at night?
Thursday, October 26, 2006
10
Ten years ago today. Big D and I went on our first date. We went to dinner in the City and had a great time talking and laughing. He always makes me laugh...even today.
The Yankees were in the world series and I was oblivious. I was just wondering if there was food in my teeth and if I was babbling like an idiot at this totally cute guy. He kept leaving the table to go to the bathroom. I thought he had a bladder control issue. Turns out, he was checking the baseball score with his friends. The Yanks were winning the final game of the '96 world Series! After dinner, he admitted his sin. So like a good girl, (like a patient and understanding girl)...and so BD didn't have an aneurysm before the night was over, I suggested we go to a bar to watch them win the final game. He was ecstatic. I was happy for him, I just didn't want him to kiss me.
Ya see...I was gonna cancel the date that night because I was just not into it. But little did I know, he was gonna cancel the date that night because he wanted to watch the game with his friends. He's lucky he didn't cancel that frickin' date. He wouldn't have gotten another one.
Amazing how things turn out.
I love you BD.
The Yankees were in the world series and I was oblivious. I was just wondering if there was food in my teeth and if I was babbling like an idiot at this totally cute guy. He kept leaving the table to go to the bathroom. I thought he had a bladder control issue. Turns out, he was checking the baseball score with his friends. The Yanks were winning the final game of the '96 world Series! After dinner, he admitted his sin. So like a good girl, (like a patient and understanding girl)...and so BD didn't have an aneurysm before the night was over, I suggested we go to a bar to watch them win the final game. He was ecstatic. I was happy for him, I just didn't want him to kiss me.
Ya see...I was gonna cancel the date that night because I was just not into it. But little did I know, he was gonna cancel the date that night because he wanted to watch the game with his friends. He's lucky he didn't cancel that frickin' date. He wouldn't have gotten another one.
Amazing how things turn out.
I love you BD.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Share the Love...blog style
Ms. Chicky-Chicky had this brilliant idea ( of course) that we should "spread the love" around this blogsphere...I agree! After all, I began blogging because there were a couple of fantastic blogs out there that motivated me to start my own. I have so many blogs in my blogroll that I read on a daily basis, and I add more every time someone recommends a new one. I truly don't know where to begin. And, there are a handful of blogs that I long to read...I check my bloglines regularly for these 'stars' and I go through serious withdrawals when they don't refresh fast enough...
However, I was instructed to be judicious in my selection!
On that note, the Blog I love, luv, luurrve, heart, seriously can't live without:
Mel: My very first Blogging friend! (And, she always leaves me warm, fuzzy comments too.) The way she loves her son and her husband is heartwarming. I just adore her blogging persona. She is sweet, caring, friendly and has the best family ever. They party like nobody's business! I love chatting with her and I love sharing advice with her. She truly has become a 'friend' from this thing we call the internet. I can't wait to meet her one day. Go say 'hi' to Mel and tell her I sent you. You rock Mel. Kiss that baby for me!
I'm so sorry that I couldn't include my entire Blogroll. (Most of you know I love you because I stalk you regularly! And I just started reading some of you and don't know enough about you yet.) I wish I could send you each a hug and tell you that I look forward to reading you every day.
Hell, I wish we could all have a slumber party and drink margaritas and tequila shots and play 'truth or dare'...that would be so much fun.
Ms. Chicky, this was a great idea.
However, I was instructed to be judicious in my selection!
On that note, the Blog I love, luv, luurrve, heart, seriously can't live without:
Mel: My very first Blogging friend! (And, she always leaves me warm, fuzzy comments too.) The way she loves her son and her husband is heartwarming. I just adore her blogging persona. She is sweet, caring, friendly and has the best family ever. They party like nobody's business! I love chatting with her and I love sharing advice with her. She truly has become a 'friend' from this thing we call the internet. I can't wait to meet her one day. Go say 'hi' to Mel and tell her I sent you. You rock Mel. Kiss that baby for me!
I'm so sorry that I couldn't include my entire Blogroll. (Most of you know I love you because I stalk you regularly! And I just started reading some of you and don't know enough about you yet.) I wish I could send you each a hug and tell you that I look forward to reading you every day.
Hell, I wish we could all have a slumber party and drink margaritas and tequila shots and play 'truth or dare'...that would be so much fun.
Ms. Chicky, this was a great idea.
Monday, October 23, 2006
Pssst...Over here!
I have a secret. Can you guess what it is?
I'll tell ya....
I'm not perfect.
I know, you can't believe it, right...Well, my friends...Believe it.
Sometimes I sit here and wonder how others haven't figured me out yet.
~I watch too much television. I could literally veg out in front of the tube for hours without flinching. I think it's a sickness...
~I sing out loud even though I can't. I think I sound like a rock star but it sounds so different in your ears than in reality...
~I'm a 'helicopter mom'. I am always hovering over Fa. I am afraid she's gonna eventually get sick of me. I see it in her face already, she looks at me like..."Moooooom! c'mon, I can do it myself." But, I'm afraid to let her go. She's my heart and I try to protect her from, let's see...everything.
~I should be spending more time with my husband. We haven't spent a whole lotta time together. I miss him. I hope he misses me too.
~I'm insecure. About, uhm, everything.
~I'm afraid of a whole crapload of different things. I can't even get started about that.
~I sleep too much. I love to sleep. I wish I could sleep more than I have been. I miss sleeping for hours at a time even in the middle of the day. I guess this makes me lazy.
~I haven't used my mind in such a long time and I'm getting nervous that I'll lose my mind if I don't use it. I miss reading for a purpose. I hated schoolwork but it gave me a feeling of accomplishment when I completed a project and got a good grade...
But I think it's time for being positive today:
~I have this daughter who adores me.
~I have this husband who (I think) does the same.
~The dog hasn't pooped or peed in his crate for 8 days straight.
~I can sit in front of the T.V. to watch my favorite shows and those fantastic reality shows, I'm a grown up, I can do what I want!
~If you don't like my singing...too bad. My daughter loves it!
~I am smart enough to realize that I have insecurities and imperfections and I work hard to change them or deal with them.
~All this thinking, is leading me to better things.
~I'm feeling pretty good about myself since detox and going to the gym regularly...BD noticed I lost weight!!!
~I get to be home with my little girl to help her grow up and watch her bloom into this precious 'flower'.
~Fa is loving "Mommy & Me"!!! She has a blast every class, she paints, plays, discovers new things like riding a tricycle by herself...She frickin' cries when it's time to leave. She says, "No, don't sing the 'goodbye song', sing the 'hello song'!!" and "I wanna stay here, can we please stay and play more?" I am ecstatic!
~I am liking "Mommy & Me" too...I adore spending the time with her in school and watching her have fun and not ALL the moms are arseholes.
How lucky am I?
I'll tell ya....
I'm not perfect.
I know, you can't believe it, right...Well, my friends...Believe it.
Sometimes I sit here and wonder how others haven't figured me out yet.
~I watch too much television. I could literally veg out in front of the tube for hours without flinching. I think it's a sickness...
~I sing out loud even though I can't. I think I sound like a rock star but it sounds so different in your ears than in reality...
~I'm a 'helicopter mom'. I am always hovering over Fa. I am afraid she's gonna eventually get sick of me. I see it in her face already, she looks at me like..."Moooooom! c'mon, I can do it myself." But, I'm afraid to let her go. She's my heart and I try to protect her from, let's see...everything.
~I should be spending more time with my husband. We haven't spent a whole lotta time together. I miss him. I hope he misses me too.
~I'm insecure. About, uhm, everything.
~I'm afraid of a whole crapload of different things. I can't even get started about that.
~I sleep too much. I love to sleep. I wish I could sleep more than I have been. I miss sleeping for hours at a time even in the middle of the day. I guess this makes me lazy.
~I haven't used my mind in such a long time and I'm getting nervous that I'll lose my mind if I don't use it. I miss reading for a purpose. I hated schoolwork but it gave me a feeling of accomplishment when I completed a project and got a good grade...
But I think it's time for being positive today:
~I have this daughter who adores me.
~I have this husband who (I think) does the same.
~The dog hasn't pooped or peed in his crate for 8 days straight.
~I can sit in front of the T.V. to watch my favorite shows and those fantastic reality shows, I'm a grown up, I can do what I want!
~If you don't like my singing...too bad. My daughter loves it!
~I am smart enough to realize that I have insecurities and imperfections and I work hard to change them or deal with them.
~All this thinking, is leading me to better things.
~I'm feeling pretty good about myself since detox and going to the gym regularly...BD noticed I lost weight!!!
~I get to be home with my little girl to help her grow up and watch her bloom into this precious 'flower'.
~Fa is loving "Mommy & Me"!!! She has a blast every class, she paints, plays, discovers new things like riding a tricycle by herself...She frickin' cries when it's time to leave. She says, "No, don't sing the 'goodbye song', sing the 'hello song'!!" and "I wanna stay here, can we please stay and play more?" I am ecstatic!
~I am liking "Mommy & Me" too...I adore spending the time with her in school and watching her have fun and not ALL the moms are arseholes.
How lucky am I?
Saturday, October 21, 2006
10 Weird things...
I was Memmed! By this crazy, thumb-bending woman!~
I have way more than 10 weird things about me, but I'll try to condense my oddities to 10...
Here goes:
1. I'm afraid of the dark. Deathly afraid. I see things in my mind that are not normal when I am in the dark!
2. I love Noggin. It inspires me to be a better mother. Truly. It gives me fun ideas and makes me laugh. A happy Mom is a great Mom.
3. I love the smell of my daughter's feet. Especially after a long, hard day of playing in her sneakers.
4. I once broke all 10 of my toes doing a back handspring.
5. I am obsessed with feet. I always notice a person's feet. Not in a good way...It's not a fetish. They skeeve me out. Especially dirty feet or men's feet. I once broke up with a boy in High School because he took his sneakers off and he had no socks on. I was so grossed out, I broke up with his skanky feet that night. Flip Flops are a disgusting shoe and they should be banished from this earth. I hate my feet too. (I can imagine the Google searches from this one!)
6. I'm not the greatest "Domestic Engineer" out there. I'm a stay-at-home mom but I don't cook, I hate to clean and I don't do much else domestically. I just hang with my daughter and try to give her the best experiences I can...The house isn't my first priority. (BD is a great cook though!!!)
7. I sweat like a man. It's no secret in this house. I hafta use men's deodorant to stop the smell and wetness. Cute right?
8. I think I'm fat. People tell me it's not true, but I have always had a sort of "body image" issue. After Fa was born it came back, it effects me every day.
9. I hate playgroups. It makes me feel like I'm in High School all over again. I hated High School.
10. I never graduated High School. I got my G.E.D. after my mom passed away. (I was a grieving mess at 17.) However, I went back to school and got my Master's Degree in Education so I could teach children how important school actually is. I am very proud of that accomplishment and I plan to go for my PhD. in reading one of these days.
I have way more than 10 weird things about me, but I'll try to condense my oddities to 10...
Here goes:
1. I'm afraid of the dark. Deathly afraid. I see things in my mind that are not normal when I am in the dark!
2. I love Noggin. It inspires me to be a better mother. Truly. It gives me fun ideas and makes me laugh. A happy Mom is a great Mom.
3. I love the smell of my daughter's feet. Especially after a long, hard day of playing in her sneakers.
4. I once broke all 10 of my toes doing a back handspring.
5. I am obsessed with feet. I always notice a person's feet. Not in a good way...It's not a fetish. They skeeve me out. Especially dirty feet or men's feet. I once broke up with a boy in High School because he took his sneakers off and he had no socks on. I was so grossed out, I broke up with his skanky feet that night. Flip Flops are a disgusting shoe and they should be banished from this earth. I hate my feet too. (I can imagine the Google searches from this one!)
6. I'm not the greatest "Domestic Engineer" out there. I'm a stay-at-home mom but I don't cook, I hate to clean and I don't do much else domestically. I just hang with my daughter and try to give her the best experiences I can...The house isn't my first priority. (BD is a great cook though!!!)
7. I sweat like a man. It's no secret in this house. I hafta use men's deodorant to stop the smell and wetness. Cute right?
8. I think I'm fat. People tell me it's not true, but I have always had a sort of "body image" issue. After Fa was born it came back, it effects me every day.
9. I hate playgroups. It makes me feel like I'm in High School all over again. I hated High School.
10. I never graduated High School. I got my G.E.D. after my mom passed away. (I was a grieving mess at 17.) However, I went back to school and got my Master's Degree in Education so I could teach children how important school actually is. I am very proud of that accomplishment and I plan to go for my PhD. in reading one of these days.
Friday, October 20, 2006
What's in my iPod? (M-W) (Nope, no X-Y-Z)
I hope you enjoyed my list of tunes. (and all the farking links) I'm sure you are barfing at some of them and laughing at more...but that's my musical taste and I'm stickin' to it...Seems all of the comments were quite positive with regards to the tunes here...I'm glad! And finally (thanks for sticking around):
Marilyn Manson: Antichrist Superstar
Matthew Sweet: Girlfriend
Meatloaf: Bat Out Of Hell
Megadeth: Countdown to Extinction
Monster Ballads
Mother Love Bone: Mother Love Bone
Mr. Big: Mr. Big, Bump Ahead, Lean Into It
Nelson: After the Rain
Nine Inch Nails: Broken, Pretty Hate Machine, Downward Spiral
Pink Floyd: Division Bell
Poison: Open Up & Say Ahh, Flesh & Blood
Prince: Purple Rain, Parade, Sign O' the Times
Prong: Cleansing
Queensryche: Operation Mindcrime, Promised Land, Greatest Hits
Quireboys: A Bit of What You Fancy
Ratt: Dancin' Undercover
REO Speedwagon: Hits
Rod Stewart: Vagabond Heart
Skid Row: Skid Row, Slave to the Grind
Slaughter: Stick it to Ya
Steve Vai: Passion & Warfare
Stryper: To Hell With the Devil
Temple of the Dog: Temple of the Dog
Tesla: Psychotic Supper
TNT: Tell No Tales, Intuition, Transistor
Tool: Undertow
Travis: The Man Who
Tyketto: Don't Come Easy
U2: The Best Of
Warrant: Dirty Rotten Filthy Stinkin' Rich, Cherry Pie
White Lion: Pride
Whitesnake: Whitesnake
Marilyn Manson: Antichrist Superstar
Matthew Sweet: Girlfriend
Meatloaf: Bat Out Of Hell
Megadeth: Countdown to Extinction
Monster Ballads
Mother Love Bone: Mother Love Bone
Mr. Big: Mr. Big, Bump Ahead, Lean Into It
Nelson: After the Rain
Nine Inch Nails: Broken, Pretty Hate Machine, Downward Spiral
Pink Floyd: Division Bell
Poison: Open Up & Say Ahh, Flesh & Blood
Prince: Purple Rain, Parade, Sign O' the Times
Prong: Cleansing
Queensryche: Operation Mindcrime, Promised Land, Greatest Hits
Quireboys: A Bit of What You Fancy
Ratt: Dancin' Undercover
REO Speedwagon: Hits
Rod Stewart: Vagabond Heart
Skid Row: Skid Row, Slave to the Grind
Slaughter: Stick it to Ya
Steve Vai: Passion & Warfare
Stryper: To Hell With the Devil
Temple of the Dog: Temple of the Dog
Tesla: Psychotic Supper
TNT: Tell No Tales, Intuition, Transistor
Tool: Undertow
Travis: The Man Who
Tyketto: Don't Come Easy
U2: The Best Of
Warrant: Dirty Rotten Filthy Stinkin' Rich, Cherry Pie
White Lion: Pride
Whitesnake: Whitesnake
Thursday, October 19, 2006
What's in my iPod? (E-L)
Today's addition. Don't worry, only one more day of this...
Elizabeth Mitchell & Lisa Loeb: Catch the Moon
Extreme: Pornograffitti
Faster Pussycat: Faster Pussycat, Wake me When its Over
Filter: Short Bus, Title of Record
Firehouse: Firehouse
Fishbone: Truth & Soul
Garden State Soundtrack
Garbage: Garbage
George Michael: Listen Without Prejudice
Godsmack: Godsmack
Gravity Kills: Gravity Kills
Guns 'N Roses: Appetite for Destruction
Icon: Right Between the Eyes
Jack Johnson: Sing-Alongs Songs & Lullabies for the film Curious George
Janet Jackson: Janet
Jewel: Pieces of You, Spirit
Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories: Tails
Elizabeth Mitchell & Lisa Loeb: Catch the Moon
Extreme: Pornograffitti
Faster Pussycat: Faster Pussycat, Wake me When its Over
Filter: Short Bus, Title of Record
Firehouse: Firehouse
Fishbone: Truth & Soul
Garden State Soundtrack
Garbage: Garbage
George Michael: Listen Without Prejudice
Godsmack: Godsmack
Gravity Kills: Gravity Kills
Guns 'N Roses: Appetite for Destruction
Icon: Right Between the Eyes
Jack Johnson: Sing-Alongs Songs & Lullabies for the film Curious George
Janet Jackson: Janet
Jewel: Pieces of You, Spirit
Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories: Tails
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
What's in my iPod? (A-D)
So, Izzy is making a list of what's in her iPod and I said I'd do the same...I am posting this list in three sections (you'll get the rest Thursday and Friday) I can't handle all the posting/reading/linking in one day...And this isn't the way I wanted to do this list but I am a spaz and I couldn't figure out how to just post the album covers. iTunes alphabetized the list too.
Keep in mind, I own the Nano, not the gigunda-memory iPod that holds like a bajillion songs. My iPod holds something like 1,000 songs. I am very jealous by the way, that the new Nano is out and it has like, more space than I own CD's...There's gotta be a way to upgrade your out-of-coolness Nano for the new one. Right?
I don't want any snickering about the choices I have 'so carefully' made. Remember, I had to be judicious in the selection process, space is limited and I am almost out of space in the thing. I hope you enjoy this, here goes:
Alanis Morissette: Jagged Little Pill
Tori Amos: Little Earthquakes, Cornflake Girl
Bad English: Bad English
Black Crowes: Shake Your Money Maker, By Your side
Bon Jovi: Bon Jovi, Slippery When Wet, New Jersey
Candlebox: Candlebox
Cinderella: Long Cold Winter
ColdPlay: A Ruch of Blood to the Head, Parachutes, X&Y
Counting Crows: August & Everything After
The Cure: Wish
Cyprus Hill: Black Sunday
Damn Yankees: Damn Yankees
David Gray: White Ladder
Def Leppard: Pyromania
Depeche Mode: Singles '86-'98, Black Celebration, Songs of Faith & Devotion, Violator, Ultra, Playing the Angel
Dido: No Angel
Keep in mind, I own the Nano, not the gigunda-memory iPod that holds like a bajillion songs. My iPod holds something like 1,000 songs. I am very jealous by the way, that the new Nano is out and it has like, more space than I own CD's...There's gotta be a way to upgrade your out-of-coolness Nano for the new one. Right?
I don't want any snickering about the choices I have 'so carefully' made. Remember, I had to be judicious in the selection process, space is limited and I am almost out of space in the thing. I hope you enjoy this, here goes:
Alanis Morissette: Jagged Little Pill
Tori Amos: Little Earthquakes, Cornflake Girl
Bad English: Bad English
Black Crowes: Shake Your Money Maker, By Your side
Bon Jovi: Bon Jovi, Slippery When Wet, New Jersey
Candlebox: Candlebox
Cinderella: Long Cold Winter
ColdPlay: A Ruch of Blood to the Head, Parachutes, X&Y
Counting Crows: August & Everything After
The Cure: Wish
Cyprus Hill: Black Sunday
Damn Yankees: Damn Yankees
David Gray: White Ladder
Def Leppard: Pyromania
Depeche Mode: Singles '86-'98, Black Celebration, Songs of Faith & Devotion, Violator, Ultra, Playing the Angel
Dido: No Angel
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Deep Thoughts
- Guess who works out at my gym: Flash Card Bitch. I can't shake the thing.
- Shoes are a girls best friend.
- It smells like pumkin pickin' out there today.
- I have a crush on this Goddess.
- I need a dog trainer.
- Right now, Fa is in her bed saying "Rock on sista, yeah!" Is there anything better in the world than that?
- I think all men should hafta go to 'husband school' before they actually walk down the aisle...(Don't get mad BD...of course, I don't mean you)
~Ignoring 101 – I heard you the first time
~Remote hogging by Professor Surroundsound
~What to do if you don't wanna
~How to get out of major chores around the house without really trying
~Holidays 101 – making nice with the new in-laws
~Begging for sex, the really annoying way
~Becoming a dad, how to change a diaper…you won’t really need this class…it just looks good on the syllabus
~Ignoring 102 – You never said that
~Dealing with screaming children by handing them over to your wife
~Handing the paycheck over gracefully
~Getting out of family obligations by blaming it on work
~Holidays 102 – trying not to shove your mother-in-law’s/father-in-law’s face in the apple pie
~How to beg for sex without looking too pathetic
~Giving in to nagging and why women do it
**Updated to add...Anyone out there want to give me a tutorial? I am looking to categorize my posts with tags. They are getting wily and I would like to have them sorted other than archived by month. (Must be the control freak in me) I have no clue how to do that. Any suggestions?
**psst! Over here. These guys are my new favorites, for real. They are like crackheads with ADD. Just my speed. I laughed harder than Fa.
Friday, October 13, 2006
With or Without Me
My Beautiful Flower,
Out of all the little girls in the world, I got the very best one!
I love you forever,
Mamma
Thursday, October 12, 2006
545 (Five for Five) and a few rants
Ok, Melanie...Here is my "Five For Five". This was fun but hard to come up with.
Five Minutes to yourself. How would you spend them ideally?
1. read more than one chapter in a book
2. sleep
3. lie on the beach
4. drink a Margarita
5. sleep
Five Dollars to spend right now. How or where would you spend it?
1. Littlest Pet Shop toys for Fa
2. Starbucks
3. CVS
4. Target
5. Children's Place
Five items in your house you could part with right now?
1. the dog
2. the dog
3. the dogs poop
4. all the remote controls
5. the dog
Five items in your house you absolutely, positively could never part with? (Family excluded)
1. the bed
2. my laptop
3. Fa's burpies
4. my Uggs
5. my camera
Words you love?
1. Fa
2. la la
3. carchookie chicken
4. bean dip
5. doodie bomber
Then yesterday, we had gym class. Fa was in a little bit of a self-proclaimed 'grouchy mood' so things weren't going as smoothly as usual. She was whiny and uncooperative the entire class. (She never participates with the group but this time was b-a-d!) Finally, Ms. Laura brings out Fa's highlight: balls and bubbles. She played with the balls happily and ran to catch herself some cool bubbles. All of a sudden I see her sitting on the floor crying. I thought it was just a fit again, but the teacher told me that she was knocked down. By a little animal. The teacher didn't use that description, I did.
This kid. Whatta brat. She is always cutting the other kids in line, pushing them out of the way, yelling at them when they ignore her, hitting others and running around like a lunatic. Her nanny is usually talking on the phone and always ignoring her. Now, I understand dear reader, the kid is starving for attention...negative attention is better than no attention at all. But why is she allowed to run ragged when the others have to behave? I was so pissed that she clocked Fa that I kept telling Fa the next time she does that to her she should push her right back. I know, I know, bad example but shit man, should't Fa be able to stick up for herself in extreme situations?
I'm not gonna be the one to teach this thing to behave in a 45 minute class, the teacher can't, so the next best thing is to teach Fa some self-defense. Before you get mad at me, I also told Fa to just stay away from the little animal and tell me if she bothers her again. Damn it. Fa has a red mark on her cheek now to top it off. What the?
So that was our day at the gym. Why do the little brats get away with murder and the good ones get beat up?
*********************************************************
Fa's new song:
(Sung to the tune of Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel)
RT RT RT... you're such a little twerp.
RT RT RT...I'll put you in the dirt.
Gee, where did she get that song from?
*********************************************************
Guess who I saw in two consecutive days out and around the town? Flash Card Bitch. That's right! And her "angel" was with her and they both had pusses on their faces. Pissy pants. I can't wait to get into it with her. That'll make for great bloggin'!
*********************************************************
Had lunch here yesterday too. It was Yummy. I ate vegan split pea soup and the tricolore salad pizza. It was wonderful. The crust is thin and has cheese melted into it like a second skin...I luurrved every tasty morsel.
*********************************************************
Blogger sucks. It took me 3 hours to get this post up here.
Five Minutes to yourself. How would you spend them ideally?
1. read more than one chapter in a book
2. sleep
3. lie on the beach
4. drink a Margarita
5. sleep
Five Dollars to spend right now. How or where would you spend it?
1. Littlest Pet Shop toys for Fa
2. Starbucks
3. CVS
4. Target
5. Children's Place
Five items in your house you could part with right now?
1. the dog
2. the dog
3. the dogs poop
4. all the remote controls
5. the dog
Five items in your house you absolutely, positively could never part with? (Family excluded)
1. the bed
2. my laptop
3. Fa's burpies
4. my Uggs
5. my camera
Words you love?
1. Fa
2. la la
3. carchookie chicken
4. bean dip
5. doodie bomber
5 people I will tag...
the first 5 people that read this...ha ha...you're it.
*********************************************************the first 5 people that read this...ha ha...you're it.
Then yesterday, we had gym class. Fa was in a little bit of a self-proclaimed 'grouchy mood' so things weren't going as smoothly as usual. She was whiny and uncooperative the entire class. (She never participates with the group but this time was b-a-d!) Finally, Ms. Laura brings out Fa's highlight: balls and bubbles. She played with the balls happily and ran to catch herself some cool bubbles. All of a sudden I see her sitting on the floor crying. I thought it was just a fit again, but the teacher told me that she was knocked down. By a little animal. The teacher didn't use that description, I did.
This kid. Whatta brat. She is always cutting the other kids in line, pushing them out of the way, yelling at them when they ignore her, hitting others and running around like a lunatic. Her nanny is usually talking on the phone and always ignoring her. Now, I understand dear reader, the kid is starving for attention...negative attention is better than no attention at all. But why is she allowed to run ragged when the others have to behave? I was so pissed that she clocked Fa that I kept telling Fa the next time she does that to her she should push her right back. I know, I know, bad example but shit man, should't Fa be able to stick up for herself in extreme situations?
I'm not gonna be the one to teach this thing to behave in a 45 minute class, the teacher can't, so the next best thing is to teach Fa some self-defense. Before you get mad at me, I also told Fa to just stay away from the little animal and tell me if she bothers her again. Damn it. Fa has a red mark on her cheek now to top it off. What the?
So that was our day at the gym. Why do the little brats get away with murder and the good ones get beat up?
*********************************************************
Fa's new song:
(Sung to the tune of Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel)
RT RT RT... you're such a little twerp.
RT RT RT...I'll put you in the dirt.
Gee, where did she get that song from?
*********************************************************
Guess who I saw in two consecutive days out and around the town? Flash Card Bitch. That's right! And her "angel" was with her and they both had pusses on their faces. Pissy pants. I can't wait to get into it with her. That'll make for great bloggin'!
*********************************************************
Had lunch here yesterday too. It was Yummy. I ate vegan split pea soup and the tricolore salad pizza. It was wonderful. The crust is thin and has cheese melted into it like a second skin...I luurrved every tasty morsel.
*********************************************************
Blogger sucks. It took me 3 hours to get this post up here.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
It will always be "Unwritten" until you write it yourself.
Dear Beautiful Girl,
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned
Fa, you are so young and you have your whole, entire life ahead of you. You have the ability to take it anywhere you dream. Be strong and follow your heart.
Mamma
I just discovered that you love the song “Unwritten” by Natasha Bedingfield. You know how I know this fact? When it comes on the radio, your face lights up like a Christmas tree and you boogie oogie oogie ‘till you just can’t boogie no more. The other day, we were driving to my second favorite place on earth (We already hit my first favorite place) and the song came on the radio. Your face lit up and I melted on cue. I promised you that we’d buy the CD and you reminded me of that fact repeatedly until we did.
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned
Fa, you are so young and you have your whole, entire life ahead of you. You have the ability to take it anywhere you dream. Be strong and follow your heart.
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions…
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions…
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
Oh, oh, oh
I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
Oh, oh, oh
I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
Always remember that I will be there (if you need me) to help you write your unwritten lyrics.
I just know you will do great things in your life. I can't wait to witness them all.
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
Always remember that I will be there (if you need me) to help you write your unwritten lyrics.
I just know you will do great things in your life. I can't wait to witness them all.
Mamma
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Because it's always about me...Damnit!
Man, you readers are just plain fabulous!
I can't believe all of the comments and e-mails I've gotten in the past 24 hours telling me that I shouldn't give up and keep on blogging! Thank you!
Yesterday's post was, I admit, written in haste and pure anger. And I still feel angry about censoring myself for the benefit of others, even if those others are family. But I decided that I am not going anywhere (I never was) I am just going to divert your attention to the lovely, the wondrous, the talented, the gorgeous...ok, ok, you get the picture right?....ME!
I was told (not by a stranger, mind you) that I am too revealing about two family members in particular...you can use your imagination...Hello... However, the eye rolling, looks of sheer horror and sarcastic comments just got too much for me to handle so I got pissed. And when The Laundress gets pissed..loogout.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to have you take a look over here...at me. Hi. It's all about me from here on out. It's about the way I see motherhood, life, death, any other feeling (good or bad) I want to post about. I will stop talking specifically about the others in my household...not the dog...that farking dog shit in his crate again yesterday and last night! I woke up to a pile in his muther farking crate. But, I digress.
I don't think I'm crazy, I just think I have issues. Who doesn't? Raise your hand! Hey, you in the back row...over here! Ya got some issues right? No! Well, you see now sweetie, there's your issue...dingbat. We all have 'em. Plain and simple. I just choose to write about them here. It makes me feel better. It soothes me. It's like writing that angry letter to your mother who passed away when you were just 17 years old and left you all alone to face the world. It's like that letter, except you didn't crumple it up and burn it to never see it again. You left it here to revisit, when you feel like it! And maybe to even get some cool feedback from some truly excellent people out there who feel you, sistah.
So, all in all, I have not left. I never posted to make anyone think I was leaving. (Honestly, I can't believe how many people responded) I was just mad, confused, hurt and well, pissed. I'm sorry if I confused anyone or made anyone want to "come to Long Island and kick my butt" (I love you Denise...) But thank you for your support. And all of you did help me to realize that this is good for m.e. It isn't for anyone else...It's just a place to be me, talk about me, stress about me, just be plain 'ole me. Good, bad or ugly. I just can't believe there are people out there who wanna read about me.
Aw shucks!
I can't believe all of the comments and e-mails I've gotten in the past 24 hours telling me that I shouldn't give up and keep on blogging! Thank you!
Yesterday's post was, I admit, written in haste and pure anger. And I still feel angry about censoring myself for the benefit of others, even if those others are family. But I decided that I am not going anywhere (I never was) I am just going to divert your attention to the lovely, the wondrous, the talented, the gorgeous...ok, ok, you get the picture right?....ME!
I was told (not by a stranger, mind you) that I am too revealing about two family members in particular...you can use your imagination...Hello... However, the eye rolling, looks of sheer horror and sarcastic comments just got too much for me to handle so I got pissed. And when The Laundress gets pissed..loogout.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to have you take a look over here...at me. Hi. It's all about me from here on out. It's about the way I see motherhood, life, death, any other feeling (good or bad) I want to post about. I will stop talking specifically about the others in my household...not the dog...that farking dog shit in his crate again yesterday and last night! I woke up to a pile in his muther farking crate. But, I digress.
I don't think I'm crazy, I just think I have issues. Who doesn't? Raise your hand! Hey, you in the back row...over here! Ya got some issues right? No! Well, you see now sweetie, there's your issue...dingbat. We all have 'em. Plain and simple. I just choose to write about them here. It makes me feel better. It soothes me. It's like writing that angry letter to your mother who passed away when you were just 17 years old and left you all alone to face the world. It's like that letter, except you didn't crumple it up and burn it to never see it again. You left it here to revisit, when you feel like it! And maybe to even get some cool feedback from some truly excellent people out there who feel you, sistah.
So, all in all, I have not left. I never posted to make anyone think I was leaving. (Honestly, I can't believe how many people responded) I was just mad, confused, hurt and well, pissed. I'm sorry if I confused anyone or made anyone want to "come to Long Island and kick my butt" (I love you Denise...) But thank you for your support. And all of you did help me to realize that this is good for m.e. It isn't for anyone else...It's just a place to be me, talk about me, stress about me, just be plain 'ole me. Good, bad or ugly. I just can't believe there are people out there who wanna read about me.
Aw shucks!
Monday, October 9, 2006
Or is it just a full moon?
Apparently, I say too much (to the wrong people.) I guess I have been purging to you dear internet, and not to the people who matter.
I’ve been told that my thoughts here on this blog arecrazyloopy too revealing for some folks. And that the things I spew say have made certain people scratch their head in fear wonder. So, I am holding back editing my thoughts from here on out.
I apologize to the few readers I have collected along the way, but if you find me boring and uninteresting, I understand…You don’t have to come here anymore. I will still be visiting you, (you wonderful writers you) and I hope the few posts I lay out here will be viewed by some. However, I thought I was connecting, on some level with others who seemed to understand me, but the things I say are just too deep for certain people to take and I am beginning to frighten them. The comments alone that are left here by the wonderful people that visit tell me that I am not crazy and that I am not alone, butfamily others might disagree.
I am not a mental patient. I am just someone trying to figure out this thing called life…and this was a bajillion times cheaper than therapy. I guess, I’ll just have to call my therapist again.
This reminds me of the time when I was 16 and my boyfriend read my personal and innermost secrets in my diary. I flipped, threw it out, and never kept another diary (until now).
See ya ‘round. I'm not giving up...I'm justpissed taking some time to regroup.
***No, no, no Jenny, you gorgeous thing, I am not gone...just re-re-evaluating where I want this blog to take me.
I’ve been told that my thoughts here on this blog are
I apologize to the few readers I have collected along the way, but if you find me boring and uninteresting, I understand…You don’t have to come here anymore. I will still be visiting you, (you wonderful writers you) and I hope the few posts I lay out here will be viewed by some. However, I thought I was connecting, on some level with others who seemed to understand me, but the things I say are just too deep for certain people to take and I am beginning to frighten them. The comments alone that are left here by the wonderful people that visit tell me that I am not crazy and that I am not alone, but
I am not a mental patient. I am just someone trying to figure out this thing called life…and this was a bajillion times cheaper than therapy. I guess, I’ll just have to call my therapist again.
This reminds me of the time when I was 16 and my boyfriend read my personal and innermost secrets in my diary. I flipped, threw it out, and never kept another diary (until now).
See ya ‘round. I'm not giving up...I'm just
***No, no, no Jenny, you gorgeous thing, I am not gone...just re-re-evaluating where I want this blog to take me.
Saturday, October 7, 2006
Conflict Resolution
There’s an internal struggle that I deal with on a daily basis. In my head I am fighting with many thoughts. They are of course, about my relationship with my daughter and where it is going. I wonder sometimes who decided that I deserved to be a mother? Who gave her to me, that perfect little thing? Who out there thought that I would do her heart and her self-worth justice in this world? How will I enable her to become a strong, independent woman…when I am not the woman I need her to be? What kind of examples will I set for her when I can not deal with life on a daily basis? Enter (like gangbusters) the two struggles I fight with.
The first conflict is: “How am I going to show my daughter that she is more loved by me than anyone in her life will ever love her?” I sit and stare at her sometimes and my heart wants to explode with a love for her that I have never felt in my life for anyone. My entire being breathes for her. My skin yearns for her touch and my eyes aren’t happy unless they see her smiling face. I wake up in the mornings wanting to climb into her bed and shnuggle with her until dinnertime. I watch her growing and I marvel at the developments and milestones that she accomplishes with ease and determination. I know her quirks and tics and I understand what she is thinking even though she doesn’t believe that. I feel her pain, her joy, her accomplishments, her fears and her confidence and her self-doubt. I agonize at how I am going to show her that life is not so bad, that she is a lucky and smart lady and that she has the brain and the capabilities to conquer the world if she chooses. However, I fear for her.
Introducing my second conflict: Life sucks (sometimes), how do I get her to enjoy it even in the midst of war, school violence, child predators, illness, death? I struggle with the thought of how to keep her safe and secure. Sure, it’s possible now. She’s only just turning three. But when she grows up and enters the real world, how do I keep her safe? How do I keep her from the fears of losing dying parents and friends and relatives, strangers that can harm her, bullies that will be jealous of her, boys? How do make her heart believe that she can overcome anything, especially losing loved ones…when I can’t feel that for myself? I fear that I will get sick and leave her and I feel terribly guilty for bringing her into this world to suffer the consequences of life. She didn’t ask for what life brings, she wasn’t involved in the decision to have her. But she will suffer in this life like we all do and I can not tolerate the fact that I did that to her.
I feel sorry that I don’t have the tools to teach her to survive. I am helpless and scared and fearful of so many things. I am not sure I can help her understand that life is wonderful (sometimes) and she should enjoy it for all it can give her. Every day is a gift, but how do I teach that to her when I don’t truly believe that? I am always waiting for the “other shoe to drop” and even when I am overjoyed, I am looking over my shoulder for evil and illness to take over.
How do I emerge above the conflict in my heart and help my daughter become powerful? How do I give her the strength to survive when I struggle to find it every day? How do I become the mother she deserves before I ruin her and send her to therapy for life?
These are the daily struggles I face.
After the love I feel for my daughter drowns me, after I envelope her in my arms and kiss her until she giggles and can’t breathe from joy. After I chase her around the house wanting to smooch her and hug her and tickle her neck just to hear that laugh. After we sing together to music we both love, after we dance around “like crazy people” in her bedroom. After I tuck her into bed for the night and I kiss her soft cheek and we tell each other we love each other and we are best friends forever, that’s when the struggle erupts inside me again and I have to suppress the fears so I can be her mother for another day.
I must resolve this conflict in order to be the “Mamma” she deserves. She is what keeps me going and she is what keeps my head free of fear. Because with those fears, I am stunted as a mother and she deserves so much more than that. One day, she will be a mother and she will understand what I am feeling. Until then, I must stay strong for her and teach her that she is wonderful and deserving of all the spectacular things that life has to offer…even if I don’t feel that about myself.
The first conflict is: “How am I going to show my daughter that she is more loved by me than anyone in her life will ever love her?” I sit and stare at her sometimes and my heart wants to explode with a love for her that I have never felt in my life for anyone. My entire being breathes for her. My skin yearns for her touch and my eyes aren’t happy unless they see her smiling face. I wake up in the mornings wanting to climb into her bed and shnuggle with her until dinnertime. I watch her growing and I marvel at the developments and milestones that she accomplishes with ease and determination. I know her quirks and tics and I understand what she is thinking even though she doesn’t believe that. I feel her pain, her joy, her accomplishments, her fears and her confidence and her self-doubt. I agonize at how I am going to show her that life is not so bad, that she is a lucky and smart lady and that she has the brain and the capabilities to conquer the world if she chooses. However, I fear for her.
Introducing my second conflict: Life sucks (sometimes), how do I get her to enjoy it even in the midst of war, school violence, child predators, illness, death? I struggle with the thought of how to keep her safe and secure. Sure, it’s possible now. She’s only just turning three. But when she grows up and enters the real world, how do I keep her safe? How do I keep her from the fears of losing dying parents and friends and relatives, strangers that can harm her, bullies that will be jealous of her, boys? How do make her heart believe that she can overcome anything, especially losing loved ones…when I can’t feel that for myself? I fear that I will get sick and leave her and I feel terribly guilty for bringing her into this world to suffer the consequences of life. She didn’t ask for what life brings, she wasn’t involved in the decision to have her. But she will suffer in this life like we all do and I can not tolerate the fact that I did that to her.
I feel sorry that I don’t have the tools to teach her to survive. I am helpless and scared and fearful of so many things. I am not sure I can help her understand that life is wonderful (sometimes) and she should enjoy it for all it can give her. Every day is a gift, but how do I teach that to her when I don’t truly believe that? I am always waiting for the “other shoe to drop” and even when I am overjoyed, I am looking over my shoulder for evil and illness to take over.
How do I emerge above the conflict in my heart and help my daughter become powerful? How do I give her the strength to survive when I struggle to find it every day? How do I become the mother she deserves before I ruin her and send her to therapy for life?
These are the daily struggles I face.
After the love I feel for my daughter drowns me, after I envelope her in my arms and kiss her until she giggles and can’t breathe from joy. After I chase her around the house wanting to smooch her and hug her and tickle her neck just to hear that laugh. After we sing together to music we both love, after we dance around “like crazy people” in her bedroom. After I tuck her into bed for the night and I kiss her soft cheek and we tell each other we love each other and we are best friends forever, that’s when the struggle erupts inside me again and I have to suppress the fears so I can be her mother for another day.
I must resolve this conflict in order to be the “Mamma” she deserves. She is what keeps me going and she is what keeps my head free of fear. Because with those fears, I am stunted as a mother and she deserves so much more than that. One day, she will be a mother and she will understand what I am feeling. Until then, I must stay strong for her and teach her that she is wonderful and deserving of all the spectacular things that life has to offer…even if I don’t feel that about myself.
Wednesday, October 4, 2006
Between the Tears
BD and I went to see Fa's "pre-preschool" last night. I cried. A lot.
Fa will be 3 in late December, so that leaves her short of the cutoff date for school. This means that she will be one of the oldest in her class...all the time. She is just short of the separation program, so we will be in "Mommy & Me" one more year. (Fine with me) The school is a Co-operative day school which means that parents volunteer their time throughout the year in order to cut tuition costs. (Not my cuppa tea, because I am an outcast...but that post will come later, for sure)
The director is a sweet lady who used to be a parent to two students in the school. Her kids are now 24 and 20 and she cried speaking about how fast the time goes. On gushed my waterworks. I cried when she told us to cherish this last time with our kids in a "Mommy & Me" school environment. Especially since I feel that way already. I cried when she told us how our children will mature and change as the year progresses and we will marvel at their emerging independence. I cried when she told us that the entire staff gets teary-eyed when they talk about their love for this age group. We clapped for her tear-inspired speech, then it was time to meet Fa's new teacher.
I cried when she smiled at me and told us we are our children's first teachers, I cried when she read a story about a little boy's first school experiences and I cried when she told me that she brought her kids to the same school 20 years ago and she sat in 'that corner right over there' with her son for a week because they couldn't separate form each other. I cried when she started tearing up because the time sure does fly.
"What the hell man?" was BD's thought as he snickered at me tearing up the entire night. He loves to see me whimper like that...he thinks it's silly. I am an emotional ball of booger when it comes to Fa and I cry over everything anyway, so this just topped the cupcake right off.
Time to sign up for snack duty. We signed up for two days each. Those are the days that we are required to bring a nut-free, healthy snack. Teary-eyed, I signed up for October 30th (Good Halloween day) and I signed up for December 18th (two days before Fa's birthday) Uneventful, but teary.
Then, 'Questions' were opened up to the parents. Here's where I learn that the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree. The very first question was a food allergy question. Great, I need to know what not to bring on my snack days, informative and helpful.
Here's the winner: "What exactly will the children be learning here in school?" C'mon douche...they're TWO! So, I giggle between the tears. The teacher stresses that it is a "Learning Through Play" philosophy and they will learn to share, cooperate, learn pre-math and science skills, learn patience and self-control, reading...I loved the teacher's answer, I wanted to hug her because those are all the things Fa needs to be exposed to. I love this place. As a teacher, I understand what the pre-school teacher is thinking and I know how she is going to relate to the students...I will never understand how she is so patient with the pain in the ass parents.
As usual, there will be that one parent that totally rubs me the wrong way. Someone who grates on my very last nerve and just makes me want to spit down her neck. She fucking asked the teacher if they will be using flash cards and other teaching tools to enable the kids to learn colors, letters, numbers etc...They are fucking TWO. Now, I'm not braggin', but Fa knows all her letters, colors, numbers 1-100 and she reads..honestly, I'm not lyin'. But, I spend time PLAYING with her. Not using Flash cards, or practicing anything...we p.l.a.y. Period.
Just let the kids be two. They'll never be two again. They will have to deal with life and everything else that school and bullies and other kids throw at them. I can not wait to see what this woman's kid acts like. I bet you she's just as obnoxious as her mother. This should be a fun year. At least, I won't be crying so much because I'll be worried about conflict with dopey and her daughter. So, between all my tears, I'll be arguing with an asshole.
Fa will be 3 in late December, so that leaves her short of the cutoff date for school. This means that she will be one of the oldest in her class...all the time. She is just short of the separation program, so we will be in "Mommy & Me" one more year. (Fine with me) The school is a Co-operative day school which means that parents volunteer their time throughout the year in order to cut tuition costs. (Not my cuppa tea, because I am an outcast...but that post will come later, for sure)
The director is a sweet lady who used to be a parent to two students in the school. Her kids are now 24 and 20 and she cried speaking about how fast the time goes. On gushed my waterworks. I cried when she told us to cherish this last time with our kids in a "Mommy & Me" school environment. Especially since I feel that way already. I cried when she told us how our children will mature and change as the year progresses and we will marvel at their emerging independence. I cried when she told us that the entire staff gets teary-eyed when they talk about their love for this age group. We clapped for her tear-inspired speech, then it was time to meet Fa's new teacher.
I cried when she smiled at me and told us we are our children's first teachers, I cried when she read a story about a little boy's first school experiences and I cried when she told me that she brought her kids to the same school 20 years ago and she sat in 'that corner right over there' with her son for a week because they couldn't separate form each other. I cried when she started tearing up because the time sure does fly.
"What the hell man?" was BD's thought as he snickered at me tearing up the entire night. He loves to see me whimper like that...he thinks it's silly. I am an emotional ball of booger when it comes to Fa and I cry over everything anyway, so this just topped the cupcake right off.
Time to sign up for snack duty. We signed up for two days each. Those are the days that we are required to bring a nut-free, healthy snack. Teary-eyed, I signed up for October 30th (Good Halloween day) and I signed up for December 18th (two days before Fa's birthday) Uneventful, but teary.
Then, 'Questions' were opened up to the parents. Here's where I learn that the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree. The very first question was a food allergy question. Great, I need to know what not to bring on my snack days, informative and helpful.
Here's the winner: "What exactly will the children be learning here in school?" C'mon douche...they're TWO! So, I giggle between the tears. The teacher stresses that it is a "Learning Through Play" philosophy and they will learn to share, cooperate, learn pre-math and science skills, learn patience and self-control, reading...I loved the teacher's answer, I wanted to hug her because those are all the things Fa needs to be exposed to. I love this place. As a teacher, I understand what the pre-school teacher is thinking and I know how she is going to relate to the students...I will never understand how she is so patient with the pain in the ass parents.
As usual, there will be that one parent that totally rubs me the wrong way. Someone who grates on my very last nerve and just makes me want to spit down her neck. She fucking asked the teacher if they will be using flash cards and other teaching tools to enable the kids to learn colors, letters, numbers etc...They are fucking TWO. Now, I'm not braggin', but Fa knows all her letters, colors, numbers 1-100 and she reads..honestly, I'm not lyin'. But, I spend time PLAYING with her. Not using Flash cards, or practicing anything...we p.l.a.y. Period.
Just let the kids be two. They'll never be two again. They will have to deal with life and everything else that school and bullies and other kids throw at them. I can not wait to see what this woman's kid acts like. I bet you she's just as obnoxious as her mother. This should be a fun year. At least, I won't be crying so much because I'll be worried about conflict with dopey and her daughter. So, between all my tears, I'll be arguing with an asshole.
Monday, October 2, 2006
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She loved her pretty and oh, so sparkly pink shoes. She kept saying, "Mommy, I'm a little girl!" Yes, lover you are a little girl.
She also kept touching my legs...she's never seen them dressed up like that. Shocker.