Conflict Resolution

There’s an internal struggle that I deal with on a daily basis. In my head I am fighting with many thoughts. They are of course, about my relationship with my daughter and where it is going. I wonder sometimes who decided that I deserved to be a mother? Who gave her to me, that perfect little thing? Who out there thought that I would do her heart and her self-worth justice in this world? How will I enable her to become a strong, independent woman…when I am not the woman I need her to be? What kind of examples will I set for her when I can not deal with life on a daily basis? Enter (like gangbusters) the two struggles I fight with.

The first conflict is: “How am I going to show my daughter that she is more loved by me than anyone in her life will ever love her?” I sit and stare at her sometimes and my heart wants to explode with a love for her that I have never felt in my life for anyone. My entire being breathes for her. My skin yearns for her touch and my eyes aren’t happy unless they see her smiling face. I wake up in the mornings wanting to climb into her bed and shnuggle with her until dinnertime. I watch her growing and I marvel at the developments and milestones that she accomplishes with ease and determination. I know her quirks and tics and I understand what she is thinking even though she doesn’t believe that. I feel her pain, her joy, her accomplishments, her fears and her confidence and her self-doubt. I agonize at how I am going to show her that life is not so bad, that she is a lucky and smart lady and that she has the brain and the capabilities to conquer the world if she chooses. However, I fear for her.

Introducing my second conflict: Life sucks (sometimes), how do I get her to enjoy it even in the midst of war, school violence, child predators, illness, death? I struggle with the thought of how to keep her safe and secure. Sure, it’s possible now. She’s only just turning three. But when she grows up and enters the real world, how do I keep her safe? How do I keep her from the fears of losing dying parents and friends and relatives, strangers that can harm her, bullies that will be jealous of her, boys? How do make her heart believe that she can overcome anything, especially losing loved ones…when I can’t feel that for myself? I fear that I will get sick and leave her and I feel terribly guilty for bringing her into this world to suffer the consequences of life. She didn’t ask for what life brings, she wasn’t involved in the decision to have her. But she will suffer in this life like we all do and I can not tolerate the fact that I did that to her.

I feel sorry that I don’t have the tools to teach her to survive. I am helpless and scared and fearful of so many things. I am not sure I can help her understand that life is wonderful (sometimes) and she should enjoy it for all it can give her. Every day is a gift, but how do I teach that to her when I don’t truly believe that? I am always waiting for the “other shoe to drop” and even when I am overjoyed, I am looking over my shoulder for evil and illness to take over.

How do I emerge above the conflict in my heart and help my daughter become powerful? How do I give her the strength to survive when I struggle to find it every day? How do I become the mother she deserves before I ruin her and send her to therapy for life?

These are the daily struggles I face.

After the love I feel for my daughter drowns me, after I envelope her in my arms and kiss her until she giggles and can’t breathe from joy. After I chase her around the house wanting to smooch her and hug her and tickle her neck just to hear that laugh. After we sing together to music we both love, after we dance around “like crazy people” in her bedroom. After I tuck her into bed for the night and I kiss her soft cheek and we tell each other we love each other and we are best friends forever, that’s when the struggle erupts inside me again and I have to suppress the fears so I can be her mother for another day.

I must resolve this conflict in order to be the “Mamma” she deserves. She is what keeps me going and she is what keeps my head free of fear. Because with those fears, I am stunted as a mother and she deserves so much more than that. One day, she will be a mother and she will understand what I am feeling. Until then, I must stay strong for her and teach her that she is wonderful and deserving of all the spectacular things that life has to offer…even if I don’t feel that about myself.