Making friends

At a Christening this weekend, I noticed a quirk in Girl that is quite similar to her Mamma.

There were a ton of kids at this party in a neighborhood restaurant, some Girl knows very well and others not so much. She sat at our table and only went over to the kid's table when she was invited by the hostess. They were doing a project. (You can't turn down an art project.)

She sat quietly decorating her creation and brought it over to us a few times to show us her progress. Then when the food came, she chose to sit with us instead of the other kids at the kid's table. She interacted with one dad in particular who was monitoring that table.

Now, I was quite impressed that she went over there at all and worked independently of me to begin with. I was almost giddy.

Then, after dinner the kids started dancing around the room, jumping and laughing and giggling hysterically. It looked like fun. So much fun that Girl decided to get up and 'join' in. (Here's where her Mamma-similarities come in....) Instead of joining in on the jumping and dancing...she stood on the outskirts of the fun and just watched. She appeared to want to join in so badly....but didn't know how.

She just stood there. Staring. With a longing in her face, that only I understood.

I've been that little girl.

The kid who wants to join in but doesn't know how.

I felt so badly for her pathetic attempt to join..I was teary-eyed.

Of course, everyone was making fun of me because I should just let her be and let her do her best on her own.

But they don't understand. That feeling of wanting.

I know, I am projecting myself onto her and maybe she was happy just watching...but the feelings that I felt as a child came rushing back to me in that moment. I wanted to hug her and tell her it was alright and that she should just jump right in because it's fun and she'll see once she starts jumping too how much fun it really is...I wanted to show her how easy it is to jump right in and all that she is missing by just sitting back and watching. But I sat back and watched.

I feel like I should have helped her get in there...but I can't have her depend on me in those situations all the time. It's up to her to get comfortable and join in on her own.

I don't know. These things are hard to let go of I guess.

**********************
On another kid-note...
What's up with little girls and their snotty behavior?

There were two at this particular party that I wanted to bitch-slap.

Where are the parents when they are being so mean and rude? Exactly..no where to be found.

One little girl came over to me while I was coloring with Girl at our table. (Nosy bitch) So I introduced ourselves. Do you know what she said to me and my little girl...I don't like the name "Girl" it's ugly. I told her not to be so mean and ignored her after that. What a bitch.

I tell you. I told Girl when little girls are mean to her she needs to call them out. And say something like. Why are you so bratty? Or, don't be so rude! But next time I'm gonna tell her to tell them to fuck off.

She really needs to stick up for herself or she'll get walked on by these little demons.

Regrets, I've had a few...

But missing my prom was certainly not one of them.

I'm still not sure what makes this gorgeous woman think I'd have fun this time around???

But hey, she is the first person ever to actually ask me to go to the prom. I hope she'll be my pseudo date. And I just know SF will jump at the chance to dress up and go dancin'!

When I was 18, prom time, I had been getting ready for the 1 year anniversary of my Mother's death to breast cancer. I had my head in the clouds and my feet as far from reality as I could dig them. I had been out of high school for a year already and just earned my GED. I was brainlessly working in Kennedy Airport to fill some time. I was miserable. Depressed. And to top it all off, my boyfriend just broke up with me. Anus.

Prom was the last thing on my mind.

I didn't miss getting ready for the prom. I couldn't focus anyway. I didn't miss getting my hair done. I didn't have the money to do it. I didn't miss buying a frilly dress. I never wore those anyway. I didn't miss dancing to Bon Jovi's "I'll Be There For You" with my so-called boyfriend because I couldn't be there for myself let alone another human being. And I certainly didn't miss the people in High School. They could all rot in hell for all I care. Even today. What douchebags.

I did miss my Mom.

I spent a lot of that time partying at bars and going to the beach and hanging out and sometimes, occasionally dabbling in the wacky tobaccy. Prom was so out of my range of consciousness. It never once crossed my thoughtless mind to go to prom. Who would I even go with? I hated the 'boy', I hated the other kids there...the ones I did hang out with were too stoned to actually prepare for the prom so they didn't go either. I hated life. What would prom do for me?

That actual night, I vaguely remember going to see some friends play in their band at the local bar and hanging out with Bud(wiser). That's what I think I did on prom night. I'm still not too sure. If you asked me what my life was like back then, the only answer I could give you was: lost. The memories don't return to me until about age 23. That time I think I could safely say, I remember well. Before then, a total blur.

I still get sad when I think about all that time wasted and unused. I could have been something special if I just put my mind to it. But I was filled with fear, sadness and worst of all, grief for the loss of the only woman who could ever love me that deeply. Never again did I think I'd return to this world sane. I still have my doubts.

So Mamma, thank you for inviting me to your prom, because it is the only one I've ever been to, emotionally, spiritually or physically. I will try not to be a downer. And I don't have any pictures, but maybe SF and I will scrounge some up for the occasion. We do like to dance around in the living room.

Party on Wayne, Party on Garth.

Whatta kid!

The birthday party on Saturday was amazing!
Wait, the party itself...just okay.
My kid at the party, outstanding.

She goes to gym class there once a week so she was comfortable with the place. Then, it was all her friends from school there so she was extra comfy in her surroundings. God, I love seeing her have fun. She ran and danced and jumped and tumbled her little heart out. I loved it.

She interacted with a few kids there, but mainly it was just nice seeing her talk to the teachers and have a ball. She tried new things and excelled in the usual stuff like playing catch. She really enjoyed herself.

She was excited to be there too. A new one in our family as well.

She wanted to wear a frilly party dress to the party and I denied her the privilege. I felt like a real blue meanie but it was gym class...she can NOT go there all decked out. How would she run around? So we compromised, but I saw myself 10 years from now fighting with her about her clothes..it's not a pretty sight. I can assure you.

The only thing she didn't want to do was take the group picture with all of her friends. Oh, and eat the pizza...she walked into the party room for dinner and loudly exclaimed, "That pizza is NOT for me!"

She did love the goody bag from the birthday girl complete with a shiny, red balloon that I so mercilessly let escape as we were getting into the car. Oh! Devastation! I thought I was gonna cry right along with her. What a terrible Mom I am. But I did go back and get her another one through all the tears and screaming and losing it all!

So, all in all it was a complete success. With a few glitches that you have to expect with a three year old and a butterfingered Mother.

She rode her tricycle this weekend for the first time.
Thankfully the weather was beautiful! Finally!
What a treat for her!

And I had to share this one of her and Daddy on the see-saw!
How sexy is the father of your child on a friggin' see-saw???

3:30 AM

That's what time I walked in the door last night.

It's a wonder Mista stays married to this dirty little stay out.

I ate sushi. I drank some beers. I danced.

The only thing I have to show for it is a major headache and this:











We're doing the 'devil rock horns'...You can't really see it. It's from my phone!
That's me on the right.
Blurry.
Yes.
I still am, thankyouverymuch.

In with the new...

I did make it to midnight. Barely. Thanks to Dog the Bounty Hunter and Entourage. It was the first time I saw the ball drop in at least seven years. I know...Partay Animal. You Jealous?

Anyway, the holidays are over and the birthday is over, time to get back to normal; take down the decorations (who hoo!) and live like normal people again. Whatever that means. I don't have any new year's resolutions (other than the ones created on blogthings) because I never adhere to them. I always say, "My new year's resolution is that I won't make any more new year's resolutions!"

Other than my dry, cracked and bleeding hands from fighting with all the packaging and twisties the toys come in, I hafta say, we made it through fairly unscathed. Yay me us.

The end of the year was fantastic. Fa's birthday was filled with love and gifts...Christmas was too. We went to BD's parents for Christmas eve and my Dad's for Christmas day.

Santa ate all his cookies during his visit while we slept and made a huge mess for me to clean up. Fa didn't know what to make of that. It was so cute. I loved watching her wonder about Santa. She was afraid to come down the stairs Christmas morning because she thought he was still here. We had to assure her that he was long gone and still handing out gifts under other people's trees in order for her to get downstairs to open her presents.

We got lots of great loot and cool gifts from family and friends. My brother in law and sister in law got us this book to try to learn how to train our dopey dog. I love that man, Cesar.

I got this cool 'Tiffany' necklace from family, this bracelet and money from Dad and this wonderful pair from F and BD. Things I totally didn't ask for. THAT is a great surprise!

BD got wine (of course) and his all time favorite thing in the world..Silafunghi. The man loves his spread. I don't see the beauty in it, but he does and that's all that matters.

F was bombarded with toys and clothes and didn't know where to go first. It was wonderful and exhausting. We are a lucky bunch.

I took Fa to get her pictures taken for her birthday and I loved seeing her act like such a big girl in the studio. I loved all the photos and she really had a ball. The best photo session ever...No tears whatsoever....Partay.

What a supermodel!

Of course it wouldn't be a true holiday without pictures of... our food.

(Those are potatoes and rosemary! And I swear they just fell onto the aluminum foil that way...)

Happy! Happy! and healthy 2007 to my family, friends and internet buds!

You gotta fight for your right to Paaaaty!

I'm resigning myself to the fact that my child is just not ready for potty time.

We had a potty party yesterday! (Whoo hoo)... Complete with home-made hats, songs, dances and panty-matching games. We danced and sang all day in our panties..yes...picture that. And while she held it in for hours upon hours, she never actually sat on the pot to release. She flat out refuses.

By the end of the day, she was bloated and cranky and practically begged for a Pamper. As soon as I put it on her, she crapped. I can't say that I was much help yesterday either. I was am quite cranky these past few days. I just think the stress of the potty and the holidays is really getting to me. I wonder how she is feeling? Wait, I think I know. Good thing my Aunt was here for the party...she controlled the parts where I lost all control. It was tag-team potty party. It still didn't work.

I thought for sure she was ready. I gave her the choice of when she wanted to have the party, she chose yesterday. She decided when she wanted to wear the panties and I didn't remind her to keep dry, she did it all by choice. But when the 'pee pee dance' started, she just went bananas and refused. She ran away and cried in the corner telling us to leave her alone...just hating the thought of sitting on the crapper.

So, I yelled and lost patience all day and she got mad at me and wanted to keep far away from me. It was really great fun. Not. My kid's new mantra is "Mommy's mad." Probably not the way to potty train. Ya think?

I guess I should have known yesterday morning after the turn of events before the actual potty party began. First, I took her for a haircut and she screamed and cried and refused to sit in the cool jeep to get her hair cut. The blow driers and vacuums totally freaked her ass out. It sure wasn't like the last time she got her hair cut. Then afterward, she told me she was mad at me because she was scared and I made her stay there anyway.

Then, we went to Party Giant to get party hats for the potty party. I drove all the way into Queens to the 'closest' Party place and it was boarded up with signs all over it. Great. I was cursing.

Then, we went to Michael's to find some hats we could either just buy or make...we found some foam visors with cool foam stickers to go with them. They had "boingy" elastic on them and she fell instantly in love. They turned out gorgeous, but the tantrum in the store because she didn't want to leave should have tipped me off.

Finally, we came home and she refused to wait for my Aunt to come over to decorate the hats. She wanted to do it all by herself. I have a hard time reminding myself I need: Patience, Mommy!

We started the potty party and it all went way down hill from there. Yes. I fought for my right to potty. But the child could care less.

We even made a home complete with potty (out of the holiday boxes that UPS delivered) for her to play in...Didn't work. She loves the new home but could live without it's potty. We colored the walls outside and in, I even cut out windows with shutters and a flower box for her. I am very proud of our masterpiece.

I guess, since I can't get rid of the stress of the holidays I'll have to get rid of the stress of potty time. I'll get back to it in the new year. I may be in a padded room by then. Ha!

All Dressed Up and....

We went to a wedding on Saturday. We looked adorable (thanks K for the makeup lesson) but I will never take Fa to another wedding or humungous social gathering until we can share high heels...What a mess.

She loved her pretty and oh, so sparkly pink shoes. She kept saying, "Mommy, I'm a little girl!" Yes, lover you are a little girl.

She also kept touching my legs...she's never seen them dressed up like that. Shocker.

Happy 4th of July

So. Fa's betta fish croaked. Almost croaked. Who am I kidding, he croaked. He was lying on his side for a few weeks, flailing for air once in a while and gasping for his last breath at the top of the tank every so often. I had to break down and send him to "Flushing". I felt bad sending him swishing while he was still gasping, but I didn't know what else to do. I somehow felt a sigh of relief today because he was suffering. At least he seemed like he was suffering. How much do fish actually suffer? Really? I couldn't very well fix him and I was NOT about to bring him to the emergency vet. Especially during a holiday weekend...(I couldn't even find my heart doctor this weekend, I wasn't about to search for a fish doctor)...C'mon, how far do I hafta go here? So, I flushed him. Yup, I killed the fish. I am a pet fish murderer. He is finding Nemo in the deep sewers of Long Island. I feel bad. Kinda.

Anyhoo. I've been sitting here trying not to let Fa realize he's no longer in his tank. "Breath of life ceased to exist." This is a nice tank mind you. A tank with a filter, light and even a gargoyle as company. Bettas live in stagnant, shallow, murky water so this was like "Betta Mansion North" here. She walked passed him a few times and never noticed. Luckily, we went to E's house to celebrate the 4th. So, she was preoccupied all day. We get home from the BBQ (Thanks J for cooking, you make a mean turkey burger). And I am starting to feel even more guilt-ridden about Chloe and his situation. Yes, the male fish's name was Chloe..Don't rub it in, I'm sure he's not all that thrilled with his outcome as it is. Except, Fa has trouble with her "L's" so she calls him "Canoey".

In the depths of my guilt, I call Petland Discounts and they are open 'till 6pm. I run there. Faster than if you lit a firecracker in my butt. (Hey, don't get any ideas). I buy an identical fish...."Chloe 2" and I set up a smaller tank. Without the whole rigamorole of the set up like before...Apparently, the large set up was too much and he wasn't happy there. I find that hard to believe, but that's what that guy in Petland says. It's a small home (I'll just tell Fa that since we moved into a new home, Chloe wanted one too). And it looks like things will go smoothly. But then again, does it ever go smoothly?

Fa is still napping. She had a very busy day with E and some other friends. They played in the kiddie pool and created masterpieces on the concrete with sidewalk chalk. It was a very relaxing and fun BBQ. That J & K really put together a nice feast. And it came in handy as distraction to the dying betta. When she wakes up, I'll bring Chloe2 to her room and tell her he wants to live with her in her room from now on. I'll do the whole dog and pony show about his new digs and hopefully she won't catch on. Damnit, she's really smart. I hope she doesn't call my bluff.