At a Christening this weekend, I noticed a quirk in Girl that is quite similar to her Mamma.
There were a ton of kids at this party in a neighborhood restaurant, some Girl knows very well and others not so much. She sat at our table and only went over to the kid's table when she was invited by the hostess. They were doing a project. (You can't turn down an art project.)
She sat quietly decorating her creation and brought it over to us a few times to show us her progress. Then when the food came, she chose to sit with us instead of the other kids at the kid's table. She interacted with one dad in particular who was monitoring that table.
Now, I was quite impressed that she went over there at all and worked independently of me to begin with. I was almost giddy.
Then, after dinner the kids started dancing around the room, jumping and laughing and giggling hysterically. It looked like fun. So much fun that Girl decided to get up and 'join' in. (Here's where her Mamma-similarities come in....) Instead of joining in on the jumping and dancing...she stood on the outskirts of the fun and just watched. She appeared to want to join in so badly....but didn't know how.
She just stood there. Staring. With a longing in her face, that only I understood.
I've been that little girl.
The kid who wants to join in but doesn't know how.
I felt so badly for her pathetic attempt to join..I was teary-eyed.
Of course, everyone was making fun of me because I should just let her be and let her do her best on her own.
But they don't understand. That feeling of wanting.
I know, I am projecting myself onto her and maybe she was happy just watching...but the feelings that I felt as a child came rushing back to me in that moment. I wanted to hug her and tell her it was alright and that she should just jump right in because it's fun and she'll see once she starts jumping too how much fun it really is...I wanted to show her how easy it is to jump right in and all that she is missing by just sitting back and watching. But I sat back and watched.
I feel like I should have helped her get in there...but I can't have her depend on me in those situations all the time. It's up to her to get comfortable and join in on her own.
I don't know. These things are hard to let go of I guess.
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On another kid-note...
What's up with little girls and their snotty behavior?
There were two at this particular party that I wanted to bitch-slap.
Where are the parents when they are being so mean and rude? Exactly..no where to be found.
One little girl came over to me while I was coloring with Girl at our table. (Nosy bitch) So I introduced ourselves. Do you know what she said to me and my little girl...I don't like the name "Girl" it's ugly. I told her not to be so mean and ignored her after that. What a bitch.
I tell you. I told Girl when little girls are mean to her she needs to call them out. And say something like. Why are you so bratty? Or, don't be so rude! But next time I'm gonna tell her to tell them to fuck off.
She really needs to stick up for herself or she'll get walked on by these little demons.
21 comments:
I too was a hesitant kid - shy basically. My daughter is anything but, she definitely takes after her Dad in the outgoing department. I worry so much that my son will be shy - not that he'll survive if he is - but I just imagine things being 'easier' if he's not.
And, not to get all heavy on you - but after last week's shootings at VT, the responsibility as a parent weighs all the more on me to a)raise kids that can handle the inevitable cruel stuff their peers will dish out (yes, that little girl was a bitch, and I would add I'll bet her mom is too - where do you think she learned to use that language, in that context?), and b) to raise kids that aren't the ones dishing out the nasties to other children you know?
What a wickedly wavy line we moms have to walk, huh? And with all this talk of "hovering" moms, it's hard to know when to let them swim on their own.
I was shy as a kid too. I wish I had had someone show me how to be more social when I was child. There again, it's a fine balance between facilitating a behavior & pushing your child when they aren't ready. Not so easy to find that balance for sure! Only you can decide what it is for SF. But I wouldn't have judged you if you had given SF a little nudge in the "go on and have fun" department. Some kids need just a bit more reassurance in social situations before they get the hang of it.
That was pretty rude of the little girl to say that about SF's name. Maybe she's still too young to get that you don't always say what you think? Not really sure the age of the party....either way, good for you for letting her know it was inappropriate! Maybe she'll think twice before saying something like that again.
I think one of the toughest things is watching our kids struggle with the same things we did. I think it's completely natural to worry they will travel down the same sometimes-painful paths. One of the curses of them sharing our DNA!
Little girls can be so mean, it's true.
I know exactly how you felt watching her look on. - SIGH -
I am sure as time goes by you will be noticing more of what SF does that is a lot like you. It is good for her to learn to stick up for herself. This world will disappoint that's for sure. I am already hesitant to put Jacob in day care because he is just a sweetie and I would feel rage buil up inside me if I heard that some child was upsetting him. If only I could always protect him. *sniff sniff*
This whole post is straight out of my own life. I struggled with joining in as a kid too. I see it in my Stinkerbell's eyes at times. Starting kindergarten was painful for her in this way, but she finally became comfortable and has many friends (of course!)
There are times that I'd like to brow-beat some kids for their snotty brat behavior. One girl in Stinkerbell's preschool class was always pushing MY buttons. How can an adult think that a preschooler is a b!tch? What a horrible human being I am!
But she was totally a b!tch.
I'm enjoying your blog too. I'll also be prowling through your archives. Was that your IP from NY?
It just amazes me how young all the snotty stuff starts!
Letting go is a major hurdle in parenting! So hard when you just want to rescue them!
grrr snotty kids .. I am a witch an d I am snotty right back ...
my poor son has been bullied most of his young life. I also teach him to embrace his individuality and not to "follow" the others per say.
We went to a big family and friends dinner, and a bunch of the boys (who are mean to him) sat at a table and the younger kids at another, and all the adults wanted my son to sit at the younger kid table, they kept telling him he couldn't sit at the adult table. He kept looking at me and saying he wanted to sit with mom and dad.
So...I stood up and started walking off with him, and when everyone asked where I was going. I said, my son wants to sit with me, and if there is no room for him, then there is no room for me. I was proud of Gigantor cuz he got up and was moving with me and it was his family gathering. After we moved a bunch of other people moved over with us. I was having a neiner neiner moment to his family. lol
Girls can be so cruel.
I wasn't shy at all as a child, but Gavin was. So I think we balance each other out. He reminds me that the kids don't need to jump into everything like I did and I remind him that the kids need to be encouraged to try new things.
I don't know what's up with the mean little girls, (and boys, they do it too) it's as though their parents don't teach them about etiquette or how to treat other people. It's become a selfish world, and I think these kids are products of selfish families. I tell my daughter that when someone is always saying mean things, they are only trying to hide some insecurity about themselves. She seems to accept that logic..So far.
Oh yes. I had a couple of little girls come over to play with my Fluffy a little while ago. Fluffy was quite the hostess, but the girls seemed only interested in putting her down. My daughter was too sweet to really notice, but I was ready to throttle both of the other girls. "Your backyard isn't fun like ours" they told her, and "you're not tall enough to play our game" and the ever favorite, "we wanted to watch a movie but your TV is too small."
Alas, it seems to only get worse as they get older.
Your post has so many responses in me.
First of all, I would have told that little girl to fuck off. I would not have been as nice as you. And I would have found the parents.
Secondly - she will come into her own. I promise. I was a shy little girl who so desperately wanted to be in the 'in' crowd. I never, ever was. But it's ok. I will never be tiny, skinny, blonde, petite, beautiful. But its ok. I am me.
And she will realize she is her. (does that make sense??) - horrible grammar -
Keep standin by her. Supporting her. One day she will make that jump into the circle to dance. and it will be fun.
I know so many people who push their kids when they aren't ready.
I mean this with all my sincerity, from what I "know" (your blogging) about you - you are a fabulous mom. And I hate to hear you doubt yourself. Really.... I hope to have 1/2 the relationship with my hubby (if it will ever happen-ARGH) and be 1/4 of the mom you are.
Whew...outta breath here.
The Princess is in third grade, and this is the first year I have been able to let go of just those kind of feelings.
I will never forget the first day of kindergarten when I (literally) wanted to knock the sh*t out of a little girl in her class. Princess is extremely tenderhearted (she comes by that honestly), so it has not always been easy to watch snotty little girls hurt her feelings.
They break 'em down and we build 'em back up....that's all we can do. I have learned not to ask too much, because it gets me so upset and she is already over it. Of course, it has taken a while to get here.
As for getting things from parents. Princess has all my neuroses,times about 1000....poor baby! Oh well, you can't escape from where you came!
I'm glad I'm not the only one who has difficulties of this nature. It's 'bad' enough trying to teach my little guys 'social skills,' but if there are that many little meanies lurking out there, I'm not sure that that kind of one sidedness can help.
Best wishes
Some of us spend our entire lives on the outside looking in, so I can definitely understand how you (and possibly SF) felt. I have been that way for so long that I am much more comfortable around people I've met for the first time or don't know that well than I am people that I actually see a lot.
I'd tell her to tell those bratty girls to fuck off, too. They should learn early that they can't be ugly to everyone and not get called on it.
I hear ya sista! I tell mine to respond to shittiness with "What's your point?" so it puts back in the bitches lap. I love to see a bitch squirm while trying to explain their shitty behavior.
You are a beautiful, thoughtful, wonderful mom. She will be fine...and so will you. I just want to open my arms & ask you both to be my friend...oh, wait--you already are!
Aww.. I'm sure that was hard for you to sit and watch. My little girl (6 now) was the same way when she was younger. It's taken her until this year in 1st grade to "come into her own" so to speak. SF will find her way too, in her own time. I think you were right to curtail your urge to help her along. She'll jump in own her own when and where she's ready.
I think it rocks that you remember that feeling even though it's not a good one. To me it's really important to be able to relate to your child's feelings at every stage of their life. It will come in REALLY handy during those teenage angst years.. trust me.
Little girls can be so horrible. Well, I honestly blame the parents for that. One little girl in our 9 year old's class is someone I'd personally like to take out back and whip. On the first day of school, she told my daughter that if she didn't talk to her, it's because she thinks she's ugly. Lovely, huh? When she finishes tests, she sings, "I'm done, because I'm perfect!" Oy. And even though the girls know they need to stick up for themselves...it's really hard to without the bully getting others mad at them when they know they were put in their place. It pisses me off to no end.
Now that will be a fun day for you the first time that SF tells some little bitchy girl to "fuck off."
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