If I could talk to my Mother today

I would tell her that the years have not let me forget her, no matter how they have shaped me. The pictures in my mind are still as vivid as they were back then. I have spent more of my life without her than with her in it so the pictures are fewer. But that doesn't change the way I miss her terribly. The way my heart aches just to be able to hear her voice. The way I hear her in the things I say to my own daughter. The way I wonder what she would think of me if she knew me today. Would she like the person I have become? Would she have let me wander aimlessly through life the way I did for so many years following her death? Or, would she have led me in a different path? My questions lack the answers I so desire to hear. So, I would ask her all that I wonder.

I would tell her that I'm sorry for all the stupid things I did as a kid because I understand now. I understand what a jerk I was when I was a teenager. I understand why she was so sad when I wouldn't talk to her anymore. I would apologize for wasting that precious time with her, but I would explain that I was a scared teenager and I wasn't sure I could share my fears with her. So I turned inward and stopped talking. She took it, I think, that I didn't love her. But that was so untrue. I was afraid I'd disappoint her. I would tell her that I would rather die than disappoint my Mother.

I would ask her why she stopped fighting the battle. I would ask her why after all those years, she chose that battle to lose. The most important fight of her life. Why did she give up? Didn't she know I was lost without her?

I would tell her that I need her. I need her for advice, strength, a shoulder to cry on. I need her to help me with Motherhood because I can't do it alone. I need her to tell me it's all going to be okay because sometimes I'm not so sure. I would beg her to hug me and hold me and protect me from some of those same fears I harbor from my teenage years. I would tell her that after all these years, I still need her.

I would tell her that I love her. Because the love you share with your Mother is as unconditional as it can get. I would tell her that I know the bond you have with your Mother is unbreakable. It is what gives you strength to continue when you feel you can't. I would tell her that I wish I would have spoken these things when she was still here with me. I would tell her that I wish I would have said 'I love you' more.

I would tell her that I understand now why she did/said/acted the way she did as my Mother. Because I am a mother now and I understand. I understand why she would tell me "Mommy moved out" when I would call her non-stop from the living room to get her attention. I understand why she would say, "How 'bout a punch in the face?" when I would deny all of her options for dinner and she would just give up. She always found light in any situation. I understand now why she would yell at me when I was being moody because "life is too short to waste it on being moody". I understand those things now because I say them without thinking to my own daughter when she acts the same way I did. I would tell her that I wish she could see my daughter. I would love to know what she thinks of her.

I would tell her that the last day in the hospital was the worst day of my entire life and I wish I would have stayed even when she told me I should leave. I would tell her that I regret leaving because I never saw her again after that. If I knew then what I know now, I would have stayed and held her hand until she passed so she knew I would always love her no matter what. I would make sure she knew that I would NEVER let go.

I would tell her all this because I never got a chance to tell her when she was here with me. I would give anything to be able to tell her these things today. I would tell her that no matter what life brings or takes away, she will always be my Mommy. I would tell her that I was the luckiest person in the world to have her in my life, even if it was fleeting. If I had just one more hour with her, these are the things I would say because these are the things all mothers should hear once in their lives from their children.

I would tell her that I can only wish to be the Mother that she was to me. If I could do that, then my daughter will be just as lucky as I am.

Happy Birthday Marm. I miss you.