It's So Easy

I can always tell when I need to re-evaluate my space in this world.

When I need to take inventory of my head and heart and do some spring cleaning.

It's been this way for years.

And the cues have returned.

When I was 18, I listened to three particular albums back to back every single day. Yes, albums. Vinyl. CD's were too expensive for me back then. I listened to all the tracks on these albums repeatedly. I can't even really tell you why it was these three albums in particular. But it was.

Appetite for Destruction had been out for three years already and I knew every word and tune by heart. And I connected to the overall theme of 'destruction' well back then. I felt like the world was 'Out ta Get Me'

(Believe it? I was at that show! The Ritz 1988)

...and I knew the sarcasm of 'It's So Easy' was geared towards me.


And I totally felt "So Crazy' that there was no hope in sight...


Yup, G'NR ruled my days...and nights.

Then there was Bat out of Hell...(I know) It came out when I was five years old and I wanted it so badly, I begged for my Mom to buy it for me at Camelot Music Stores in the mall. God, I begged to go to that store every day! When I got older, it was like a staple in my music collection and I started listening to it again when I was struggling in High School.

I can't even tell you how many times I played 'Heaven Can Wait' over and over again.

And 'Two outta Three Ain't Bad'

You'd think I was dying.

I wasn't literally. But inside I did.

Then there was TNT. That whole album is still one of my favorites to this day. I am in awe of Tony Harnell's voice.

The music of these three albums makes the feeling I got in High School return to this day every time I hear them.

And I woke up this morning singing these songs in my head. Autopilot. Not thinking about it...just in my head. These songs.

This means, I need to clean out my mind. I need to get motivated to trash the anger and release the tension that is building inside of me. Or I will burst.

I need to reorganize my mind's bins again. They sure are a mess.

These songs reminded me of that this morning and I gotta get to work. Amazing how music can inspire you, lead you and help you feel again.

But. It Ain't So Easy. Axl, you're a smarty. Aren't you?

Bunny

This latest Bunny/Girl incident got me thinking.

I have told a few people about this but it hit me recently that Bunny is making herself known quite often these days. She is trying to tell me something. I know it. I know she's been around recently I have felt her close and I know I'm not losing my ever lovin' mind. I just wish I knew what she was trying to say. I hope it's just that she misses me too...

Girl knew who Bunny was way before I started talking about her. She met her for the first time (I know of) when she was about 16 (give or take) months old.

She was crying inconsolably late one night and I didn't know what else to do to make her stop. It had been going on for hours and Provider and I were both at a loss. Remember, Girl was colicky in the first few months of her life and I was so damaged by her incessant crying early on that when she finally grew out of it, I panicked every time she even welped a little...

Well, this wasn't a welp. It was full on screaming bloody murder. For hours. Upon hours. Until, I finally broke down and started crying right along with her.

We were sitting in her rocking chair. She was facing front and I was crying behind her. I was talking to Bunny in my head and asking her why she left me and how do I handle this and all that stuff you'd call your mother for at 2 in the morning when your kid is screaming...

After about 5 minutes, Girl started giggling. She broke out into fits of laughter. I'm talking screaming, crying one minute and in a split second later she changed to fits of giggles...

A warm feeling came over my neck and shoulders and all turned calm. Silent. I asked what Girl was laughing at and all she said through her laughter was "Bunny!"....

Through tears of mixed emotions; fear, joy, greif, sadness, helplessness...I realized my Mother came to us that night. When I needed her most, she was there to help.

And she's back again his month...I hope she stays longer this time...

Moms don't leave?

How do I convince my daughter of that when I am living proof that indeed some moms leave?

Schnuggling before a nap recently, she asked me if I loved my Mommy and Daddy. (Red flags raised..she never mentions my Mom even when I talk about her) Of course, I said yes. She continued to ask, "Who's your Daddy?" (She knows full well the answer to this since we play this game often enough) "Papa" I answered with a smile. Then, she asked a question that I knew was coming but it still totally threw me for a loop.

"Who's your Mommy?"

"Well, my Mommy is 'Bunny'." I replied stiffly, waiting for her next question that was inevitably coming.

"Where is Bunny? My grandma?"

Here we go....

In my head I'm screaming, "I'm not ready for this" repeatedly...over an over. "She's only 3 years and 5 months old! 41 months! How has this concept entered her head so soon? How do I answer her?" "She may not be too young to ask the questions but she is too young to comprehend the answers..."

I began to tell her that Bunny, her grandma, my Mommy is in Heaven. (A concept I'm not too sure of myself...but I was thrown and caught off guard.)

She asked me if I missed her and again, if I loved her and was I sad that she was not here?

How the hell does she do this?

I told her I do miss my Mommy terribly because she isn't here with me and I love her and I wish she was still here with us. I told her I was sad because she never got to meet her and I just know she would love her... the conversation went on for a few more minutes before The Girl told me "Not to worry because I'll make you feel better!" She said it to me. To my face. 3.5 years old. She even punctuated it with strong, neck-hugs! I am floored!

Then, she wouldn't let me leave her. She screamed bloody murder like I died a thousand deaths right in front of her, "Papa, Bunny, Mamma...Don't leave me!" "I'm scared you'll leave me!" "Mamma come back, don't leave me alone!"

Heartbreak.

Sheer shattered chest muscle.

You're not breathing, J. Breathe.

As I sat there rocking her close to my chest trying my damndest not to smother her with my kisses and trying even harder to convince her that I would never leave her and I will be her mommy forever...I felt guilty.

What if I do leave her?

What if I make her a motherless daughter?

I'm lying to her face.

How will she forgive me for telling her moms don't leave? When they do.

She is too young to be worried about this. She is too smart to not figure it out. She is too sensitive to forget this conversation any time soon.

I am sad that I have left her a legacy of loss and fear of being left alone by mother.

How could I do this to her?

How do I help her understand?

How do I rest her fears?

...Assure her that I am here for her...until she is older and better able to understand...that moms may leave this earth, but they can never be taken from your heart.

Bittersweet Symphony

This motherhood thing...

I know I am not the only one who feels this way, this time of year.

But, why is it always so hard?

Why can't I just enjoy the day without crying, stress, pimples, fear and resentment?

Will it always be this way?

Am I being selfish?

Am I wrong for feeling so bitter and betrayed?

Is it possible for me as a Motherless Mother to ever enjoy Mother's Day?

Or am I destined to feel this pain forever?

And when do I get to dictate what I get to do on Mother's Day? Why do I have to be the second/third/fourth mother in a line...

Will I always be this resentful?

I need to take joy in my daughter and learn from her.
I need to realize that this is now my life and I either need to embrace it or live semi-depressed forever.
I need to snap out of it.
I need a cup of black coffee and a shot of Southern Comfort.

I need my daughter's hugs and smile and maybe I even need to hold her hand for a while...That always makes me feel better.

I need to feel my mother's love through the love I feel for my daughter. Because that is the way I stay connected to her.

But this is all very difficult to do.

If I could talk to my Mother today

I would tell her that the years have not let me forget her, no matter how they have shaped me. The pictures in my mind are still as vivid as they were back then. I have spent more of my life without her than with her in it so the pictures are fewer. But that doesn't change the way I miss her terribly. The way my heart aches just to be able to hear her voice. The way I hear her in the things I say to my own daughter. The way I wonder what she would think of me if she knew me today. Would she like the person I have become? Would she have let me wander aimlessly through life the way I did for so many years following her death? Or, would she have led me in a different path? My questions lack the answers I so desire to hear. So, I would ask her all that I wonder.

I would tell her that I'm sorry for all the stupid things I did as a kid because I understand now. I understand what a jerk I was when I was a teenager. I understand why she was so sad when I wouldn't talk to her anymore. I would apologize for wasting that precious time with her, but I would explain that I was a scared teenager and I wasn't sure I could share my fears with her. So I turned inward and stopped talking. She took it, I think, that I didn't love her. But that was so untrue. I was afraid I'd disappoint her. I would tell her that I would rather die than disappoint my Mother.

I would ask her why she stopped fighting the battle. I would ask her why after all those years, she chose that battle to lose. The most important fight of her life. Why did she give up? Didn't she know I was lost without her?

I would tell her that I need her. I need her for advice, strength, a shoulder to cry on. I need her to help me with Motherhood because I can't do it alone. I need her to tell me it's all going to be okay because sometimes I'm not so sure. I would beg her to hug me and hold me and protect me from some of those same fears I harbor from my teenage years. I would tell her that after all these years, I still need her.

I would tell her that I love her. Because the love you share with your Mother is as unconditional as it can get. I would tell her that I know the bond you have with your Mother is unbreakable. It is what gives you strength to continue when you feel you can't. I would tell her that I wish I would have spoken these things when she was still here with me. I would tell her that I wish I would have said 'I love you' more.

I would tell her that I understand now why she did/said/acted the way she did as my Mother. Because I am a mother now and I understand. I understand why she would tell me "Mommy moved out" when I would call her non-stop from the living room to get her attention. I understand why she would say, "How 'bout a punch in the face?" when I would deny all of her options for dinner and she would just give up. She always found light in any situation. I understand now why she would yell at me when I was being moody because "life is too short to waste it on being moody". I understand those things now because I say them without thinking to my own daughter when she acts the same way I did. I would tell her that I wish she could see my daughter. I would love to know what she thinks of her.

I would tell her that the last day in the hospital was the worst day of my entire life and I wish I would have stayed even when she told me I should leave. I would tell her that I regret leaving because I never saw her again after that. If I knew then what I know now, I would have stayed and held her hand until she passed so she knew I would always love her no matter what. I would make sure she knew that I would NEVER let go.

I would tell her all this because I never got a chance to tell her when she was here with me. I would give anything to be able to tell her these things today. I would tell her that no matter what life brings or takes away, she will always be my Mommy. I would tell her that I was the luckiest person in the world to have her in my life, even if it was fleeting. If I had just one more hour with her, these are the things I would say because these are the things all mothers should hear once in their lives from their children.

I would tell her that I can only wish to be the Mother that she was to me. If I could do that, then my daughter will be just as lucky as I am.

Happy Birthday Marm. I miss you.

Stuff

When your head is buzzing and you are feeling lightheaded, you go to the doctor right? I think I may be sick, or I think I could be stressed. Which is why I haven't seen a doctor yet.

My jaw has been clenched since about Wednesday. Every time I loosen it up it clicks and my head gets a rush of blood. The headache is constant. Then I begin clenching again.

My stomach is in knots.

The dreams have been terrible lately. Dreams of loss and death and sexual abuse and murder and falling and the paranormal all swarming my nightly slumber.

Mista says I bring this on myself. Like I'm waiting for this feeling to return. But he's wrong. I have been over analyzing crap and that usually calms me down. I have been mentally preparing myself for this time of year and I thought that was working. I thought this time would be different. I was armed with an awareness like never before and more knowledge of myself and my feelings. I was wrong.

Then. A came over yesterday for a wonderful visit. But. She started talking about when Mom was in the hospital and I felt the nausea hit and the tears well up inside my eyeballs and I had to stop eating because I thought I was going to vomit all over the kitchen table.

That's it.

I can't stop thinking about it. It is my every other thought throughout the day and I am nauseous because of it.

They say time heals all wounds. That's bullshit. Time only makes you able to live with those gaping wounds and survive every anniversary. The rest of that passing time, you are in a slight fog. Pretending to be normal. Even after you have a kid. You pretend to be normal. Then the anniversaries creep up again. And all that time that has passed means nothing.

Because it's like you just lost her all over again.

And when you are around women with their mothers for special occasions like bridal showers and weddings you pretend it's all good. But you are hurting so deeply inside because you wish you had your mother during those special times. And you didn't.

But the time that has passed should have helped you heal. It didn't.
It only makes you better able to pretend it's all good. The passing of time only enables you to make believe. Where as before, you would have just bawled your brain out and maybe not even shown up for the special occasion involving moms and daughters.

That's what time does for you. It doesn't heal. It temporarily bandages.

Regrets, I've had a few...

But missing my prom was certainly not one of them.

I'm still not sure what makes this gorgeous woman think I'd have fun this time around???

But hey, she is the first person ever to actually ask me to go to the prom. I hope she'll be my pseudo date. And I just know SF will jump at the chance to dress up and go dancin'!

When I was 18, prom time, I had been getting ready for the 1 year anniversary of my Mother's death to breast cancer. I had my head in the clouds and my feet as far from reality as I could dig them. I had been out of high school for a year already and just earned my GED. I was brainlessly working in Kennedy Airport to fill some time. I was miserable. Depressed. And to top it all off, my boyfriend just broke up with me. Anus.

Prom was the last thing on my mind.

I didn't miss getting ready for the prom. I couldn't focus anyway. I didn't miss getting my hair done. I didn't have the money to do it. I didn't miss buying a frilly dress. I never wore those anyway. I didn't miss dancing to Bon Jovi's "I'll Be There For You" with my so-called boyfriend because I couldn't be there for myself let alone another human being. And I certainly didn't miss the people in High School. They could all rot in hell for all I care. Even today. What douchebags.

I did miss my Mom.

I spent a lot of that time partying at bars and going to the beach and hanging out and sometimes, occasionally dabbling in the wacky tobaccy. Prom was so out of my range of consciousness. It never once crossed my thoughtless mind to go to prom. Who would I even go with? I hated the 'boy', I hated the other kids there...the ones I did hang out with were too stoned to actually prepare for the prom so they didn't go either. I hated life. What would prom do for me?

That actual night, I vaguely remember going to see some friends play in their band at the local bar and hanging out with Bud(wiser). That's what I think I did on prom night. I'm still not too sure. If you asked me what my life was like back then, the only answer I could give you was: lost. The memories don't return to me until about age 23. That time I think I could safely say, I remember well. Before then, a total blur.

I still get sad when I think about all that time wasted and unused. I could have been something special if I just put my mind to it. But I was filled with fear, sadness and worst of all, grief for the loss of the only woman who could ever love me that deeply. Never again did I think I'd return to this world sane. I still have my doubts.

So Mamma, thank you for inviting me to your prom, because it is the only one I've ever been to, emotionally, spiritually or physically. I will try not to be a downer. And I don't have any pictures, but maybe SF and I will scrounge some up for the occasion. We do like to dance around in the living room.

Party on Wayne, Party on Garth.