It's So Easy

I can always tell when I need to re-evaluate my space in this world.

When I need to take inventory of my head and heart and do some spring cleaning.

It's been this way for years.

And the cues have returned.

When I was 18, I listened to three particular albums back to back every single day. Yes, albums. Vinyl. CD's were too expensive for me back then. I listened to all the tracks on these albums repeatedly. I can't even really tell you why it was these three albums in particular. But it was.

Appetite for Destruction had been out for three years already and I knew every word and tune by heart. And I connected to the overall theme of 'destruction' well back then. I felt like the world was 'Out ta Get Me'

(Believe it? I was at that show! The Ritz 1988)

...and I knew the sarcasm of 'It's So Easy' was geared towards me.


And I totally felt "So Crazy' that there was no hope in sight...


Yup, G'NR ruled my days...and nights.

Then there was Bat out of Hell...(I know) It came out when I was five years old and I wanted it so badly, I begged for my Mom to buy it for me at Camelot Music Stores in the mall. God, I begged to go to that store every day! When I got older, it was like a staple in my music collection and I started listening to it again when I was struggling in High School.

I can't even tell you how many times I played 'Heaven Can Wait' over and over again.

And 'Two outta Three Ain't Bad'

You'd think I was dying.

I wasn't literally. But inside I did.

Then there was TNT. That whole album is still one of my favorites to this day. I am in awe of Tony Harnell's voice.

The music of these three albums makes the feeling I got in High School return to this day every time I hear them.

And I woke up this morning singing these songs in my head. Autopilot. Not thinking about it...just in my head. These songs.

This means, I need to clean out my mind. I need to get motivated to trash the anger and release the tension that is building inside of me. Or I will burst.

I need to reorganize my mind's bins again. They sure are a mess.

These songs reminded me of that this morning and I gotta get to work. Amazing how music can inspire you, lead you and help you feel again.

But. It Ain't So Easy. Axl, you're a smarty. Aren't you?

SAHM

I went to my old job yesterday to bring my 'remain in child care' status up to date.

I miss it.

I miss the kids. The colleagues. The principal (A big sweetheart). The Assistant Principal (One tough cookie)...The happy hours.

The Provider is quick to remind me that I always get like this when I visit there. I tend to get misty-eyed and remember only the good stuff and forget all about the bad things like the report cards, parent teacher conferences, up the butt PTA members, homework, tests, standardized tests, meetings that are useless...all that crap I complained about on a constant loop when I worked there. Top it all off, usually, everyone is grumpy, on edge, antsy, overworked and ready for the end of year by this point. (It's a NYC school don't forget)

But when I go there for a few hours, everyone is happy to see me, they are smiling, they want to hear about The Girl, are genuinely joyous over my visit. I feel sad when I leave.

The thing that resonated in my brain during this visit in particular. The question. "Are you coming back?" Constantly, from every person I walked passed.

My answer, "No, not this year."...

And the response....."So, you're still a stay-at-home-mom."

Yeah, I am. Wanna make somethin' of it?

What is with people?

Just because they work (and they know full well, I enjoyed my job) doesn't mean I'm sad being a "SAHM"...The way they ask is like I have the plague or something. Like I contracted some mysterious illness. Their blank stares and pity for my decision is frightening.

The reaction, is of course mixed for the most part. 50% of the people are genuinely happy and jealous of my decision to stay home with The Girl because you never get these years back. And 50% think I'm nuts/How do I do it ALL DAY LONG?!

I don't know either some days. I do miss my job and my place in the world shaping little minds. But this job now is by far the hardest job I have ever had in my entire life. I'm shaping a little mind that I created myself. How important is that job? Really.

So, as I think back this morning about how much fun my old job is...I look forward to my current job as The Girl's Mamma with joy and love. I love being a "SAHM" and I wouldn't change it for all the paychecks in the world...

(Sorry Provider)

Silent Battles

Wow! I feel 1,00 times better after this post!
Thank you for the comments!
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One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries.
- AA Milne
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Arguing without opening your mouth.
What goes where and who puts them there in the grand scheme of things doesn't really matter, but christ it's annoying as hell.

The wonders of marriage/living together:

• The hairbrushes not put away in the bathroom.
• The milk left on the counter and not returned to its rightful place in the fridge.
• Toothpaste stains left on the glass ledge in the bathroom.
• The (long) hair left in the drain.
• The makeup fragments on the bathroom sink.
• The dirty kitchen sink.
• Unloading/loading the dishwasher.
• Dishes left on the counter and not put in the dishwasher.
• Laundry on the floor and not in the basket.
• Newspapers piled up all over.
  
• Socks under the coffee table.
• The coffee table and where it is hiding under all the toys.

How do you deal with your silent battles? What are they?