It's So Easy

I can always tell when I need to re-evaluate my space in this world.

When I need to take inventory of my head and heart and do some spring cleaning.

It's been this way for years.

And the cues have returned.

When I was 18, I listened to three particular albums back to back every single day. Yes, albums. Vinyl. CD's were too expensive for me back then. I listened to all the tracks on these albums repeatedly. I can't even really tell you why it was these three albums in particular. But it was.

Appetite for Destruction had been out for three years already and I knew every word and tune by heart. And I connected to the overall theme of 'destruction' well back then. I felt like the world was 'Out ta Get Me'

(Believe it? I was at that show! The Ritz 1988)

...and I knew the sarcasm of 'It's So Easy' was geared towards me.


And I totally felt "So Crazy' that there was no hope in sight...


Yup, G'NR ruled my days...and nights.

Then there was Bat out of Hell...(I know) It came out when I was five years old and I wanted it so badly, I begged for my Mom to buy it for me at Camelot Music Stores in the mall. God, I begged to go to that store every day! When I got older, it was like a staple in my music collection and I started listening to it again when I was struggling in High School.

I can't even tell you how many times I played 'Heaven Can Wait' over and over again.

And 'Two outta Three Ain't Bad'

You'd think I was dying.

I wasn't literally. But inside I did.

Then there was TNT. That whole album is still one of my favorites to this day. I am in awe of Tony Harnell's voice.

The music of these three albums makes the feeling I got in High School return to this day every time I hear them.

And I woke up this morning singing these songs in my head. Autopilot. Not thinking about it...just in my head. These songs.

This means, I need to clean out my mind. I need to get motivated to trash the anger and release the tension that is building inside of me. Or I will burst.

I need to reorganize my mind's bins again. They sure are a mess.

These songs reminded me of that this morning and I gotta get to work. Amazing how music can inspire you, lead you and help you feel again.

But. It Ain't So Easy. Axl, you're a smarty. Aren't you?

2 more days

Maybe I'm just a really extra sensitive person. I never thought I was. But I guess I am.

Everything makes me cry.

Is it getting older? Does that make you more sensitive?

Does PMS get worse as the years go by?

It can't always be THE HAT TRICK can it? I hafta get used to this sooner or later right?

Dunno?!

I am extra possessive and protective over my men. Don't mess with me there...

And I am like a raging lunatic to protect my kid.

Nothing has happened. I'm just waiting with my back up. For something, anything to send me reeling into a tizzy...I'm ready to rip someones head off if they look at me the wrong way.

And I'm tense. Extra tense. I've been going back to the chiropractor (God love him) and he's been trying (in vain) to loosen up the gargantuan knot in my spine.

Blogging truly is my therapy and I haven't even been posting regularly. I've been reading a lot of my blogroll and trying to comment but that isn't helping either...Hmmm...Now I know somethings up.

You know, everyone always thinks of J as this easy-going and calm...roll off your back like water off a duck's ass type-o chick...But it's the people who know me (the 3 or 4 of you) that know I keep it all inside. I tense up more and more the more shit I hold inside and I literally explode in one way or another.

Crying, yelling, throwing the remote...But I always do it when I'm alone.

I think I need to explode.

But herein lies the problemo.

I'm never alone.

And I will NOT explode in front of the Girl. Even though I have been extra edgy with her too these days. She is starting to think I may be Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde...

Then I look at the calendar and I realize the calendar reads June 28th...Two more days till July and my three months of mourning is over...for now. I did nothing to remember Mom on the 25th like I thought I wanted to...But I guess I did what my subconscious wanted me to. I did go back to the chiropractor for the first time that day....Was she pushing me to?

Or do I need some serious meds/detox/work out to chill me out again?

Probably.

Thanks for listening.

Why, I'll be...

This is why I love the blogosphere....

I have met more cool people here than in my entire life...

Mamma wrote up a petition for me to attend BlogHer... How great is that? I just can't seem to justify the trip and she spent her time to write up reasons why she wants little 'ole me there...Out of all the bloggers in the world, she wrote up a petition for me...

It's not about going on the trip. Yes, I would love to meet Mamma and all the other friends I have met here...And I know I'll get a chance to one day...And hell yeah, I'd love to go...

It's about the camaraderie and friendships I have established here in just under one whole year of blogging.

When I first started this blog, it was to keep an online journal of my life as Girls Mamma. BD and most of the other people I know were skeptical about my new hobby because I'd be exposing our privacy to compete and utter pervs.

Well yes, there are some pervs out there and through trial and error, a change of titles and themes and an overall self-awareness of what I spew...I have figured out what my personal limits are here at Dancing Through and I am comfortable with what I write about.

My online journal began to grow into conversations with new people and all of a sudden, I had this support system and I gained new readers and met other bloggers and learned about their lives and became attached to those new friends and we became one. One blogging community with a similar goal..to express ourselves...And the feedback is breathtaking! That feedback has literally brightened up grey days for me and helped me through some tough crap.

I am in awe of the people out there and the hearts they possess...

So, thank you Mamma for your petition. It may not get me to BlogHer but it sure has made me feel special.

And thank you to all of the friends I have met through this blog...I truly do want to hug you all.

Have a great holiday weekend!!!!

This is the end...

Mommy & Me is over today.

When it started, I was sad because this would be the last time Girl and I would be in 'school' together...Today, I am a bag of tears because it is really over. My little girl is growing up fast.

My little, shy girl is empowered and strong and growing by leaps and bounds. She loves school. She loves her teacher, she loves playing with her friends...But I have always been there with her.

And I still despise that Flash Card Bitch.

September, she starts five days a week, two and a half hours each and every morning without (gasp!) me. (Deep breaths. Try not to. Hyper. Venti. Late)

Gah!

I truly believe that with a little encouragement, she will separate just fine. Her school is phenomenal. I trust they will take good care of her.

But, what. About. Me?

Me?

Mamma?

The one who dies a little each time she shows her independence?

The one who cherishes her strength because I know that she will need it in this world...but the Mom who has never been too far from her baby???

Double Gah!

I wrote her teacher a thank you.
Wanna read it. It's sappy. I promise.
There aren't enough words to thank you for what you have done for our family in these past months.

Your enthusiasm for Girl and school and your patience with us has enabled her to find herself in your class. A feat I was not sure would happen. But it did.

You are an important role model for all of these children. You are their first introduction to school and you make it very special for them.

These experiences will last them a lifetime and the confidence you helped build will help them establish positive school careers.

Like the caterpillars we fed and watched grow last week, you nourished Girl's self-esteem this year and helped her build her confidence I knew she could find, but was afraid she wouldn't.

Her newfound enthusiasm helped my beautiful butterfly to emerge from her chrysalis ready to greet the world.

Girl has become a different child thanks to you. She is confident and open and more accepting of others. She enjoys playing with friends and finds comfort in new surroundings.

Without stressing it, you taught her that. You taught her that school is fun and she doesn't have to feel so afraid.

She looks forward to seeing you (even though you'd never guess it from the way she enters school) and she brags about you all the time. (I never heard her speak so highly about someone other than family!) She may not remember this year as dearly as I will, but I know you have left an imprint in her heart that she will carry her entire life.

And I thank you for that.

You have been very important to our family.

Your caring and advice (and pediatrician), your knowledge of this age group and patience with us as anxious parents will never go unnoticed in our hearts.

Like the imprint left forever in Girl's heart, you have left special memories of her first days of school that I will cherish always.

Thank you for sharing this experience with us.

With much love,

Girl and her Mom

Second Home

My classroom always felt like my second home to me and to my students. It had to. I wasn't comfortable otherwise. I had bean bag chairs on the rug in the reading corner and pictures of all the students family members up on the walls (including my own). We had rules and schedules to follow but it was all pretty cool and together.

My kids and I were comfortable and learning and communicating and it always felt like they were a part of me for the 10 months that I had them all to myself. We were respectful and cooperative (most of the time) and we tried very hard to be 'good citizens' in our classroom and school community.

I looked forward to going to our classroom and spending quality learning time in there. It was ours. We respected it and tried to keep it pretty. (As pretty as you could get in a NYC classroom...grey concrete isn't always that luscious.)

Once in a while, we'd have a practice fire drill where we'd have to line up quickly and evacuate the premises as quickly and quietly as we could. It was all very routine for all of us. We had it down to a science. But if faced with the rush of a real fire, would we be able to evacuate safely?

I always had the Columbine Tragedy etched in my memory. It was still a fresh wound in our teaching-hearts. And it made me more aware of the terrible things that people do in desperation. But this was my home. Nothing could happen in my home.

Early one morning, I was called by my principal on the "bat phone" (we used to call it)...He spoke calmly and asked me to please remain calm while he asked me if I had any family in the Twin Towers. I calmly uttered 'no' while he quickly instructed me to act as if nothing was wrong and to please close the window shades and doors and keep the kids calm and IN THE ROOM. (The towers were visible from MY room.) No bathroom trips, no unexpected trips to the yard for an art experiment and no discussing the collapse and attack of the first Tower.

I remained calm. It was all too surreal to act any differently.

I only knew these kids as my own for one and a half days. It was first period and we were right in the middle of a "Getting to Know You Conference". We were all sitting on the floor with the desks shoved in the corners. Giggling and laughing about one kid's pet Chinchilla and his dust baths. Then the shit hit the fan.

People running through the hallways and talking loudly in a panicked tone prompted the kids to question the commotion. (They were sixth graders and street smart..they knew something was up). I waited until word from my Principal to say anything and while immigrant kids were being escorted out of the building by extremely frightened parents, I began to discuss the matter as openly and calmly as I could with the kids. It was scary.

We had an emergency assembly with the remaining students and had to wait until about 6pm until all the kid's parents were present and accounted for. Surprisingly 'only' one little kindergartener lost her Daddy that day in the entire school. (One too many in our school family)

We were in a state of panic.

After that. It just wasn't ever the same.

Emergency lock downs were practiced and bomb drills were rehearsed on a weekly basis. They are not the same as a fire drill I assure you.

Locking two classroom doors, covering all the windows and remaining mouse-quiet with 30+ children at the back of the room while you wait for the 'secret code' to come over the loudspeaker to let you know the intruder is out of the building or being detained is scary stuff. That I can promise you.

Yes, they were only drills. However, they were constant reminders that things have changed. The once homey classroom felt like a prison that we couldn't escape in the clutches of terror if need be.

I saw the kids differently after that. They had their own lives to live and families to protect them. Who was I? I was just a scared and newly-wed woman who wanted to go home to her own family, but whose responsibility was to protect her young charges. Could I? If faced with such a tragedy as the other day at VA Tech., could I protect my students if their life depended on it?

I pray that I could.

I send all of my love to those families from Virginia. And those brave and honorable teachers who lost their lives trying to protect their students. In an institution that is supposed to be a safe-haven and a second home, it was invaded and lives were taken. I am reeling.

AntiPamper Superstar

I am changing F's Pediatrician.
He's a dick.

I decided.

I can't continue to let him make me feel stupid for being 'overly' concerned about the ONLY thing that is important to me. And I can't let him continue to make me feel incompetent because my 3 year 3 month old is still in a Pamper. Fuck that.

I call to talk to him or make an appointment and his secretary is rude and obnoxious. To the point that I feel like I am bothering her. Oh! I'm sorry, did I bother you...at your job? (I am even having BD call to request her records be transferred...he will beat that grump at her own sarcasm and rudeness game by a mile...)

I get to see this doctor and he's so sarcastic (and I'm a HUuuuuuGe fan of sarcasm..see hubs) that I feel belittled. I'm all for sarcasm in the right place, but don't use it on a first time mom about her only child. It's just plain wrong. No matter how strong willed or competent that mom may seem. It's a thin veil and you're tearing it up. Dick.

If there are any doctors out there, especially children's doctors...Just remember that your patients, or their mothers are in a very delicate state when they are with you. They are probably insecure and worried. You really should think before you say something rude. And use kid gloves. (Pardon the play on words) They come in all different sizes. I'm sure you can find them to fit you.

So, that's it then. I'm changing her pediatrician.

I already called my daughter's original gastroenterologist from when she was a baby and we have an appointment at the end of this month. One down.

In my quest to find her a new doctor, I have asked around and her preschool teacher recommended hers. Right in our neighborhood. She says he is one that will welcome each and every seemingly silly query with respect and humor. He is one that will welcome me into his office with caring and honesty. He is not one that will make fun or be sarcastic to the point I'm doubting myself. Almost one to go.

Take that Anti-Pamper Superstar. You just lost your best parent.

No, Thank You.

Since SF has been testing her newest level of limits, and taking her medicine every day she seems to be in better spirits. She has started smiling again, singing and dancing and even being polite.

I haven't had to put my foot down as hard as I thought. I knew something was wrong. She's an easy going kid. I new she was just off. It wasn't really all about her age...so far.

I also think she's getting bored. Since Valentine's day we haven't really done much. The weather being the way that it is (frickin' freezing), and school and gym being on vacation has kept us homebound more than any hermit would like to admit.

Yesterday, was a great day. She was funny, sincere and even more 'huggy'. I asked her why she was hugging me so much and she said simply, "Because I want to!" She kept telling me she loves me and that we are best friend forever...Oh! I could die right now a happy woman! It was fantastic.

We ran an errand that I needed to get done and went to lunch at a local bagel store. She ate most of her lunch and was so well behaved. She sat like a big girl, chose her own drink and basically made it fun. I thanked her for the fun lunch and for being so cooperative in the store while I did my business. And I also told her I was happy to hear her use her 'please' and 'thank you's' again. (The other day, I told her I was very disappointed that she seemed to loose her 'please' and 'thank you's' and I was hoping she'd find them soon.)

We went home and she napped like a champ. (Another thing that hasn't been regular lately) I know when I don't nap, I'm a bitch on wheels.

As we are coloring in the living room, she turns to me and says, "Mommy, I found my 'Please' and 'thank you's' and I put them back in my mouth!"

I replied, "I know wonderful girl, I am so happy you found them! Where do you think they could have been?"

"Hiding in the bushes!"

I gotta check there more often for lost items...

I can forgive but I won't forget

The apology has been barely uttered.

Years have gone by.

But you can't seem to get it out of your head heart.

The abandonment, the lying, the disappointment. The pressure to forgive a person for something they have done not even to you but to themselves. It still seems so fresh and so real. It's over, but is it ever really over in your head?

She is the one who suffered. She is the one who went through it. But you feel betrayed. You feel the hurt just as deeply as if it was your own.

Life goes on. Life happens and you are supposed to forgive and forget but you have this nagging feeling of abandonment and 'how could you do this to me?' and you try too hard to ignore it but it surfaces when you least expect it, when you need her most. It surfaces and you back away, recoil. You become aware of the hurt and the pain you felt when she wasn't there and you needed her most.

You try deep in your soul to let life go on as if nothing ever happened. But it's there in your heart and you can't let it go. You feel manipulated just a little bit and a victim of her passive-aggressive behaviors brought on by such a difficult life. Yet, you continue to pretend.

You are petrified she'll leave again. She'll do it again. She'll abandon you for good and then what will you have? Nothing. Again.

You will be left alone again. Probably when you need her most.

So why bother?

Because you love her. Unconditionally. And it hurts too much to let go. You can't say anything because, you are afraid you'll hurt her by telling her how you really feel. Even if it means you can't really trust. You have to pretend. Because you love her too much to let her see that you can't trust her. You love her too much to let her know how deeply she hurt you. Even if your heart is suffering because of her.

Anger Management

Since the crying episode, Fa has been intolerable.

She is temperamental and angry and just impossible to deal with. She doesn't like anything, doesn't want to watch videos, go in the basement to play, roll play-doh, color, go to her Papa's house. Nothing.

It seems that she has been effected by that incident and can't seem to get over it. Or, it could be just a coincidence that that happened and her little mind is processing a bunch of new crap all at the same time and it scares her.

Everything scares her lately. The dark, the new side door we put in, the crazy noises like fire engines (that she used to get a kick out of) and especially the vacuum cleaner. That has always been her antagonist, but lately she cries about it when it's not even out. Yesterday, she was crying in her bed, during nap quiet time that she didn't want me to vacuum her up. I was sitting in the kitchen. The vacuum wasn't even around. But she dropped something down the side of her bed against the wall and she was afraid I'd vacuum it. (If only I vacuumed that often!)

And she's been having scary dreams almost every night. She doesn't wake up completely, but I hear her moaning and making noises in her sleep. It's weird because she doesn't wake up for us, she just moans and cries a little. Then, the next day, not a memory of it. She used to have night terrors often, so maybe this is her 3 year old version of them? I don't know.

She also seems like she's had just about enough of her mother and is gearing more toward her Daddy. (Can you say heartbroken?) She tells me to go away and that she wants Dog to be given away. But then in the next breath, she tells me it makes her sick when I go away. I can't even read her these days. She's one confused little lady.

I feel so badly that I can't find a way to help her. I know she's going through something. I just don't know what it is. I am at a loss. She gets so angry and she can't tell me why or how to express her feelings. She's testing all of her boundaries and finding out what is acceptable behavior and her process of discovery is killing me. I need to find a way to help her manage her feelings...sound familiar...Jesus we are one in the same! Maybe we need a break from each other for a while?

I understand that with all this work going on around our house, it has been difficult. We are on edge with different people traipsing through the house and I am not comfortable. And when Mommy's not happy...ain't no one happy! There's no diversion, we can't escape the mess and she needs to me stimulated and that hasn't been happening lately.

Oh, well...the day has begun. F is singing about her blueberry-filled doodie in her diaper and Mommy-duty calls. I hope we can make it through the day.

She hurt my feelings

Last night, when we were putting Fa to bed she got mad at me. She wasn't ready for bed and apparently, I didn't give her the "5 minute warning" as usual.

She told me to go away she doesn't need Mommy anymore.

I thought I was going to drop dead right there in the living room.

Then, she kept repeating it to BD who told her she was hurting my feelings.

She kept on.

I went upstairs, very sadly. I talked myself down and reminded myself that she's only three and she's mad and she doesn't mean it. I should teach her what to say instead of using 'hurting words' to tell me that she's mad. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was crushed. I was calm, but hurt deeply.

I thought I was okay and I would go in there and tell her I love her no matter what even if she doesn't like me right now...just like Parenting tells me to do. I heard her crying in her room and I couldn't just let her go to sleep without saying goodnight. BD was with her, but I needed to kiss her goodnight too. So, I opened her door and right away through all her tears, "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings Mommy!"

I lost it. I started crying and told her that she hurt my feelings and my heart was sad because she said she didn't want me anymore. I was bawling. She was bawling. We hugged and she kept apologizing and I kept telling her it's okay, but I was hurt by her words. I told her I loved her and nothing she could do would ever make me stop loving her. In that one hug, my heart was healed.

Part of me feels like I should have kept it together and been strong and explained how words hurt and given her other options. Then the other part of me thinks I did the right thing because she should see that she really hurt my feelings and the consequences of her actions were that I cried. I made sure to tell her that I love her no matter what but I really think she should know when she says something that hurtful.

What do you think?