Last night, when we were putting Fa to bed she got mad at me. She wasn't ready for bed and apparently, I didn't give her the "5 minute warning" as usual.
She told me to go away she doesn't need Mommy anymore.
I thought I was going to drop dead right there in the living room.
Then, she kept repeating it to BD who told her she was hurting my feelings.
She kept on.
I went upstairs, very sadly. I talked myself down and reminded myself that she's only three and she's mad and she doesn't mean it. I should teach her what to say instead of using 'hurting words' to tell me that she's mad. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was crushed. I was calm, but hurt deeply.
I thought I was okay and I would go in there and tell her I love her no matter what even if she doesn't like me right now...just like Parenting tells me to do. I heard her crying in her room and I couldn't just let her go to sleep without saying goodnight. BD was with her, but I needed to kiss her goodnight too. So, I opened her door and right away through all her tears, "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings Mommy!"
I lost it. I started crying and told her that she hurt my feelings and my heart was sad because she said she didn't want me anymore. I was bawling. She was bawling. We hugged and she kept apologizing and I kept telling her it's okay, but I was hurt by her words. I told her I loved her and nothing she could do would ever make me stop loving her. In that one hug, my heart was healed.
Part of me feels like I should have kept it together and been strong and explained how words hurt and given her other options. Then the other part of me thinks I did the right thing because she should see that she really hurt my feelings and the consequences of her actions were that I cried. I made sure to tell her that I love her no matter what but I really think she should know when she says something that hurtful.
What do you think?
17 comments:
Becca told me last night she wants a new Mommy. I cried. I told her it hurt my feelings and she said sorry.
I think your reaction was real and that real is what our kids need!
Yes they need to learn how to express their feelings in an appropriate way, however I think us being true to our emotions is important too.
I also think sometimes, they keep saying not because they mean it but because they are getting a response from us. But geez. ... how can we not bawl our eyes out when they say they do not want us anymore!>!>!
Hugs! So know how it feels and it stinks!
I agree with Chelle. I think you did the right thing by showing her your unique and real reaction. You can still talk to her about a better way to express herself when you're both not feeling so emotional and even roleplay a situation where she gets to try it out and practice for next time. Because there will be a next time! I use roleplays like that with the kids I teach all the time and, though a little embarrassing sometimes, they work wonderfully.
I'm glad your heart is healed!
I think you did exactly the right thing.
Actions speak louder than words.
Stink sounds like such a sweet heart. My three year old (boy) doesn't seem to give a rip when he hurts my feelings.
They need to learn that words can hurt. And they sure do sometimes.
I'm on board with everyone else. She learned a lesson.
Doesn't it suck?
I think it probably made more sense to her with you crying. She cried because she said something mean; you cried because she said it.
She's a smart kid. I bet she puts 2 and 2 together quick.
But, think about it. If you'd just given her the "five minute warning," none of this would have happened!
:)
Your sheer determination to do the right thing shows what an awesome mother you are. I agree with everyone that you totally did the right thing. I have often let The President know when he says/ does something that hurts my feelings. They should respect us as individuals, too. They are smart little critters, and they totally get it. One day she'll appreciate your honest relationship.
My three year old throws verbal daggers like a seasoned pro. "You're a stupid mommmy" and "I won't like you all my life" just skim the choppy surface. I've never said anything like that to him, so what gives? Where's he getting this crap? He's only allowed to watch a few harmless kid shows on PBS a week, so I don't think it's from TV. It's hard not to take it personally.
I think you did the right thing...
kiddo's need to know when they hurt mommy's feelers.... :-(
I think you're a beautiful and wonderful mother!!! And now I've lost my train of thought b/c it's late and Ironman is sleeping next to me and practically coughing up a lung.
Nice run-on.
Anyway, I think she's a lucky little girl. I doubt I would have even thought to give her alternative words to use. But I definitely think her seeing your pain was a good thing. That probably spoke volumes to her.
Now I'm going to try to figure out if you were with strippers or what...Nekkid boys!?!
I think you did your best and that's all any of us can do.
I think what you did was fine. You showed her that her words have power and to be kind when she uses them. A perfect lesson from a great mom.
That is actually a very beautiful story ...
My 3 year old once hurt my feelings and saw me cry. He still talks about it all of the time. He wants to make sure he doesn't do it again because it made him very sad.
Parenting ... a complicated journey, eh?
Aww!!
I think you did the right thing - parents have such a hard job.
Wow. I would've had the same reaction.
You did the right thing. Now she knows words can hurt, too. It was probably a good lesson for her. And a good bonding experience.
Haven't read all the comments, but I think you did awesome. She SAW that it hurt. That will have an impact on her, without scarring her for life. She may not always consciously remember that moment, but she'll probably remember that FEELING when she wants to say something mean.
She saw the human side of you, so that is good. You know of adults who act sort of above it all (some of us have parents like that)... the ones who seem to never feel much? Those adults kinda suck. You don't want to be like them. :)
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