But it did give me some energy to design my new header...like it? I was in a "time out" when I did it.
Ok, with that done. I have to say, I am feeling blue this week.
Maybe its the end of the holidays, the excitement over, a new beginning with nothing to look forward to, missing something or someone...a mixture of it all.
I don't know. I'm just blah. I'm cranky, tired and angry at everything. I even banged into a car with my door on purpose yesterday because the douche bag parked too close to me in the lot. This is something I usually get mad at, I mean really....There were plenty of spaces on either side of the dork and me, but he had to park right next to me, up close and personal, like he was giving me an enema for crap's sake (ha)... but my emotions seem heightened this week and struggling with my daughter to put her in the car seat while I was sandwiched between the car and the douche just got to me good. So I dinged the douche. Nope. It didn't make me feel better. Just more pissed.
I feel like a crappy mother. I feel like I have no patience for anything F does good or bad and I feel guilty as sin. When she's good she's very, very good but when she's bad I want to run away and I question every move I ever made in life. It feels bad. To feel that much anger toward a little girl who is just testing her boundaries. I just have no patience. And she has to take a god damn bath. It's not up to her. But I have no resources to help me in changing her mind. I can't read parenting books, they make me feel worthless, I can't ask anyone...So we fight.
I love her with all my heart and soul but my fuse is blown and I need to regroup. Fast. Or I may teach her that anger (and a lot of yelling) is the way to deal with everything in life...She can already throw a mean tantrum when she wants to and I know it's because she sees me do the same thing with the adult version of what a tantrum is.
I already feel like I have made her uncomfortable in social situations because I am that way exactly. I already feel like I am not exposing her enough to life and the way you should live it fully because I am so stunted as an adult. I already feel that yeah, I look happy on the outside, but inside I am a disaster and I don't want her thinking its her fault. And I don't want her thinking that's normal.
I also know that I do have PMS and while it's not an excuse, it is real and my hormone levels are way low. That really effects my balance. I have been doing so great with genuinely being happy and enjoying life. I know I am lucky and I have a wonderful family and home and husband and daughter...but there's a but. And I don't know what to fill it in with.
Just this weekend, BD gave me the 'day off' and took Fa to his Mom's house for the day. I had the whole house to myself. I had a plan. I organized the entire basement play room. (Fun, I know, but organization makes me shiver with joy!) I was going to go to the gym and the mall...but, he took the extra car's keys (accidentally) so I couldn't leave the house. I was stuck. I was mad. Why? I don't know. I hate feeling stuck. My plans were foiled again...
Then I started to miss F. I look forward to her having fun without me then I can't wait for her to get home to be with me. I feel like I am stunting her growth because I can't allow myself to grow without her. I am too connected. I know
Then I felt them creeping in. The blues. Why is blue the color of sadness anyway? It's such a beautiful color, why is it when you are sad you are blue? The sky is blue, eyes are blue, blue and red make purple...my favorite color. Blue should be a good thing.
Every time I feel this way I fear that it will get as worse as it was before F was born or even scarier, after F was born. I don't ever want to be that low again... and while I usually get out of it fairly quickly on my own (thank you years of therapy), it still haunts me. Especially that ppd.
That creepy, dark blue space that I was once in. The space I fought so hard to get out of because it was so lonely. That blue abyss that I was drowning in with no way out. Thankfully, I was successful. But when I feel this way, I get scared. Scared that I will sink back into it and I don't want that memory to be in F's head about her crazy mother. The one that acted all happy and nice on the outside but inside had a real struggle going on.
I have posted about this feeling previously and got into trouble with 'people' about it so I have to be careful not to sound like a mental patient. But it is my fear and it is how I'm feeling and this is about me and this is a way to sort out my mind and keep it in writing to look back on. For prosperity's sake? I don't know. Sorry if I'm not making any sense.
I just know, I'm feeling blue. Maybe I can find it inside of me and get it out here. Maybe that would make me feel better. Maybe I just have to get out of the house.
*It's a song by Filter
12 comments:
I think every Mom alive has been there. You're doing a great job with SF, I hope you realize that!
If it makes you feel any better, I usually get that "Blah" feeling after the holidays too. The house looks bare, the kids are overstimulated and overtired, and I just want a glass of wine.
Wait for the PMS to end. Watch some good TV. Paint with SF. Just be. How can you be awkward in social situations? You're so outgoing on here!!
You are so brilliant! Have you read what you wrote? Not just brilliant with words, but with the perspective with which you are viewing your doldrums. You're allow yourself to be human and allowing SF to be too. You are worried about setting a good example, bravo!! I'm so impressed that you can see this.
You need love and attention; SF needs love and attention--sometimes those needs are not met as well as they could be, but the two of you help each other with that. You've taught her to love others, now teach her to love herself--she'll learn this, if you set the example. Keep on keeping on...this world needs moms like you!
You're not a mental patient - not even close. Go back and read some of your previous posts about SF and the great things the two of you do together.
You're a great mom. Everybody here knows it. You'll get out of this soon, I'm sure.
ok you totally do not sounds like a mental patient! If you do then make room for one more because I totally get it. I did not experience the ppd, but darn it I have questioned every mothering moment. I have had days that I am so cranky and bitter I wonder how my kid could survive her childhood.
One thing that has helped me out a lot, is knitting once a week with a friend. For 3 hours I am not with Becca, we miss each other (oh gawd I miss her) and I have a chance to rejuvenate myself as a Mom and a woman. It is less about the knitting and more about the time out on my own (even though I meet another mom and we talk about knitting AND endlessly about our kids!)
I HATE it when I yell at Becs ... I feel like I failed her and myself, yet there are days there is nothing left, I am exasperated and lose it.
Anytime I doubt my mothering I have amazing cheerleaders that encourage me on. My husband, my readers (YOU!) and family.
You are an amazing mother. THe love and energy you share with SF is phenomenal. Hang on to that and push through this yucky spot.
You Rock! And our children do need to see that Mommy is not perfect and it is ok to be sad, mad etc.
I understand. The crash from the Holidays! Just ride it out man. Nat had a great suggestion. I usually rent a good HBO series on DVD and watch em one after the other. You kind of lose yourselves in the characters lives and when it's over you emerge feeling better!
You guys are great. Thank you for all the nice comments...I really appreciate that.
I'm sorry to get so deep on you all...I'm not complaining. Just low.
I am so with you, you couldn't even believe it, my friend. I just sent you a funny and true e-mail to that effect. Doesn't make you feel any better, though. Way to be self-aware, sister--that's the first step to feeling better...every day is up and down. For every valley there is a higher mountain waiting to be climbed. I'll be with you on your journey!
birds of a feather, my dear...i've so been there. many times.
(this is why we'd be friends in real life. and this is when i'd treat you to a latte.)
ps. love the new header!
I totally relate to SO much of what you said! And don't you hate it when you know PMS is probably a main cause for your distress but it doesn't help one freakin' bit! It just makes me angrier realizing I can't control my own anger...at least not well. And I'm also worried about teaching my children to yell since I ALSO am very good at the adult tantrum. Anyway, hugs to you, and I've been there sista! Hang in there! From what I hear and read, a lot of us moms are feeling that way right now. It's a stressful and difficult time of year, but spring is just around the corner.
I think everyone feels cranky right now.
I don't think it means you're a bad mom though.
Oh, Janet, You're not alone. I yell, scream and throw things around here more than I'd like to admit. It's so hard working as a full-time mommy. Most people get a break from work. They get to come home and relax. Our home is our work! We never get a break!! No wonder it's so difficult. It's the hardest thing in the world putting up with kids 24/7. It doesn't help that most moms put on this front that they are perfect. Know what I mean?? Well, listen sistah, I ain't perfect, but I love my kids, and by God's grace this too shall pass. (My baby just dumped an entire bag of golfish crackers on the floor at my feet.) ::sigh::
Be encouraged. You're not alone. I understand your frustration. Feel free to vent any time!
I am so sorry you are/were feeling this way. I have had a touch of depression, maybe a light blue. I am not sure what you were referring to with 'people' (u mean Tom Cruise?) who were critical, but I just don't understand that. How can ppl not be supportive of that? Anyway, bitch all you want, I am here, and it looks like lots of others are too.
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