There's a Place for Everything and Everything in it's Place

When I'm feeling out of control, there's only one thing for me to do. Organize. If I can't get my brain in order, the least I can do is get my actual stuff in order. That coping mechanism has always worked for me and when my crap is out of control, it makes it harder for my head to get in order. It also seems that when my head is messy, so is the stuff. I take comfort in organization.

Over the New Year's weekend, BD left me to my devices for a much needed 'break' and what did I do? I organized toys. I really needed to. For my brain and for my closet's sake. I didn't know it at the time, but I needed to put our stuff (and my brain) in order. I threw out a whole pile of old toys and crap. I put all of the new stuff in bins. Beautiful bins. Bins with labels made on my computer. I wish my brain was in labeled bins. I should have paid more attention to the brain that day. I'm paying for it now.

Organization makes me feel secure. I have always needed to feel secure. My entire life has been a quest for security. Emotional. Financial. Organizational. Security. Years of therapy have taught me that the "inner child Laundress" has lost that security after the passing of my Mom at 17. My "inner child Laundress" is still 17 and will always be 17. Unless I help her grow up. I use organization to help her. It gives her control over something, anything she can get her hands on. Instead of focusing on her head. Which she needs to do more of. But that's hard to do.

It's tough to find that balance between the "17 year old Laundress" and the "Motherless Mother". How do I get them to live together in harmony?

Years ago, as the "outer Laundress" was attempting to become an adult, I organized my life with controlling the amount of food I put in my body and the amount of hours I exercised. A tangible way to harness the real things that were out of control, the grief of losing a Mom. To this day, I have never fully accepted her passing and I can not find a way to get over it. I still obsess over the things I can control in order to reign in the fears that I can't. My body image has suffered for years because of that.

I am angry. I am hurt that my Mom left me so young with the thought that "Moms don't leave" but they in fact do. And I feel like such a liar when I tell Fa that "Mommy always comes back" when deep down in my heart, I know eventually that is not so true. It makes me hurt so deep in my soul that I can not fully enjoy life with my beautiful daughter for fear that I may one day leave her too early. It makes me sad that I can't move past that for the benefit of my daughter. Once again, I have been stunted by my Mother's death.

The grief all seemed at bay until my beautiful baby girl was born. Then, the anger and the fear came rushing back. Uncontrollably. Disastrously. The loneliness and fears returned tenfold and I was once again disabled by grief. When I was without a child, I only had to worry about myself. Now, not only do I fear for my own self-esteem, I fear for F's as well. And I fear that I am crushing hers because mine isn't developed. I also still struggle with control and organization except now it makes me feel helpless. Especially now...it's not so easy to keep organized...that's impossible with a preschooler.

Therein lies the insecurity I have been feeling as of late. And I am angry. Severely angry. Therapy has taught me so much about myself and I still need to learn more. However, feeling anger is real at this moment and I need to sort out that emotion now. I know that anger is an emotion fueled by underlying fears, sadness, anxieties and unresolved issues. Anger, the bitch that she is, is brought on by other deep-rooted emotions. It is not an emotion in itself. It only lives by leeching onto other emotions such as sadness and fear. My anger once again is brought to the surface by stronger feelings that I need to organize in my mind.

My mind, if I could put it in the basement in 12 labeled bins right now would look something like this:
However, my bins are all toppled over by life and the only thing exposed is:
I take notice now how only the top four bins are positive emotions that are overwhelmed by eight negative ones. I need to get my head in balance again. What my mind's labeled bins should be, look something like this:
I notice here that only the last three bins hold room for feelings that I'll never truly abandon. It's just not in my nature. But the top nine bins are overloaded with positive emotions. Something I need to get back into my life.

I would fill those positive bins with the fantastic memories of my Mother and my family. I would overload those bins with the overwhelming joys that I experience with my beautiful girl. I would stuff those bins with the memories my husband and I have made together as a team and as F's parents. I would bombard those bins with more beautiful children to love and cherish and make our family a special unit. But for some reason, I can't get those bins together, let alone open them up to fill them.

I am still that scared, 17 year old girl who is waiting for her Mom to come home from the hospital with an "all clear" from the doctor. Only to have my Dad come home to tell me she didn't make it. I am still that same kid who after years of living without her, still waits for her to come back because "Mommies always come back". And I am angry that she hasn't returned miraculously after all these years to help me cope. That is stunting my parenting skills to the point of immobilization. It makes me angry. Very angry.

Then, I hear BD in the back of my head saying, "When you are ready, you will change things." And he has been right each and every time. I should learn by now that I can trust him with my life and he will make sure that F's Mommy always comes back even if her Mommy doesn't always believe it herself...

What bin should I put that in?

One day?