It's So Easy

I can always tell when I need to re-evaluate my space in this world.

When I need to take inventory of my head and heart and do some spring cleaning.

It's been this way for years.

And the cues have returned.

When I was 18, I listened to three particular albums back to back every single day. Yes, albums. Vinyl. CD's were too expensive for me back then. I listened to all the tracks on these albums repeatedly. I can't even really tell you why it was these three albums in particular. But it was.

Appetite for Destruction had been out for three years already and I knew every word and tune by heart. And I connected to the overall theme of 'destruction' well back then. I felt like the world was 'Out ta Get Me'

(Believe it? I was at that show! The Ritz 1988)

...and I knew the sarcasm of 'It's So Easy' was geared towards me.


And I totally felt "So Crazy' that there was no hope in sight...


Yup, G'NR ruled my days...and nights.

Then there was Bat out of Hell...(I know) It came out when I was five years old and I wanted it so badly, I begged for my Mom to buy it for me at Camelot Music Stores in the mall. God, I begged to go to that store every day! When I got older, it was like a staple in my music collection and I started listening to it again when I was struggling in High School.

I can't even tell you how many times I played 'Heaven Can Wait' over and over again.

And 'Two outta Three Ain't Bad'

You'd think I was dying.

I wasn't literally. But inside I did.

Then there was TNT. That whole album is still one of my favorites to this day. I am in awe of Tony Harnell's voice.

The music of these three albums makes the feeling I got in High School return to this day every time I hear them.

And I woke up this morning singing these songs in my head. Autopilot. Not thinking about it...just in my head. These songs.

This means, I need to clean out my mind. I need to get motivated to trash the anger and release the tension that is building inside of me. Or I will burst.

I need to reorganize my mind's bins again. They sure are a mess.

These songs reminded me of that this morning and I gotta get to work. Amazing how music can inspire you, lead you and help you feel again.

But. It Ain't So Easy. Axl, you're a smarty. Aren't you?

Hug myself

Went to the beach today (yesterday) with Girl. It was so relaxing and nice to be there with her while she skipped stones into the water. As I lay on the blanket, I took this picture:

Reminds me of when I was younger and carefree.
And not a worry.

I made sure to try to relax and breathe in the cool, fresh air at the beach. I made sure to enjoy Girl and her stone throwing and to tell her how much fun I was having with her. I made sure to tell her again and again that I was so lucky to be there with her and that I wouldn't want to be anywhere else in the entire world at that moment. I took more pictures of her and her stones. I took video of her joyful skipping on the sand.

I just tried to enjoy the moment. Something I practiced very hard to learn to do in the past few years.

That is what that picture reminds me of. Enjoying the moment. The day with my daughter.

I had fun today just being. Being with my daughter and being with myself.

I am proud of my accomplishment today. Enjoying me. Enjoying my daughter. Enjoying life.

I hug myself today...

Making friends

At a Christening this weekend, I noticed a quirk in Girl that is quite similar to her Mamma.

There were a ton of kids at this party in a neighborhood restaurant, some Girl knows very well and others not so much. She sat at our table and only went over to the kid's table when she was invited by the hostess. They were doing a project. (You can't turn down an art project.)

She sat quietly decorating her creation and brought it over to us a few times to show us her progress. Then when the food came, she chose to sit with us instead of the other kids at the kid's table. She interacted with one dad in particular who was monitoring that table.

Now, I was quite impressed that she went over there at all and worked independently of me to begin with. I was almost giddy.

Then, after dinner the kids started dancing around the room, jumping and laughing and giggling hysterically. It looked like fun. So much fun that Girl decided to get up and 'join' in. (Here's where her Mamma-similarities come in....) Instead of joining in on the jumping and dancing...she stood on the outskirts of the fun and just watched. She appeared to want to join in so badly....but didn't know how.

She just stood there. Staring. With a longing in her face, that only I understood.

I've been that little girl.

The kid who wants to join in but doesn't know how.

I felt so badly for her pathetic attempt to join..I was teary-eyed.

Of course, everyone was making fun of me because I should just let her be and let her do her best on her own.

But they don't understand. That feeling of wanting.

I know, I am projecting myself onto her and maybe she was happy just watching...but the feelings that I felt as a child came rushing back to me in that moment. I wanted to hug her and tell her it was alright and that she should just jump right in because it's fun and she'll see once she starts jumping too how much fun it really is...I wanted to show her how easy it is to jump right in and all that she is missing by just sitting back and watching. But I sat back and watched.

I feel like I should have helped her get in there...but I can't have her depend on me in those situations all the time. It's up to her to get comfortable and join in on her own.

I don't know. These things are hard to let go of I guess.

**********************
On another kid-note...
What's up with little girls and their snotty behavior?

There were two at this particular party that I wanted to bitch-slap.

Where are the parents when they are being so mean and rude? Exactly..no where to be found.

One little girl came over to me while I was coloring with Girl at our table. (Nosy bitch) So I introduced ourselves. Do you know what she said to me and my little girl...I don't like the name "Girl" it's ugly. I told her not to be so mean and ignored her after that. What a bitch.

I tell you. I told Girl when little girls are mean to her she needs to call them out. And say something like. Why are you so bratty? Or, don't be so rude! But next time I'm gonna tell her to tell them to fuck off.

She really needs to stick up for herself or she'll get walked on by these little demons.

It's like riding a bike...

When I was about 7 years old, I got my first 10 speed. It was canary yellow with a black seat. It seemed so tall at the time, and I felt so small...but what I remember most about that bike was the gears and hand brake. It had a black gear shift on the left of the handlebars and the chain-link would click clack every time I shifted it. The hand brakes were a novelty because before this bike, I'd stop my 'training bike' by pulling back with the foot-pedals.

I loved that bike.

I didn't know how to ride it when I first got if for Christmas that year. It was my first official 'two-wheeler'. However, my Dad was determined to teach me. I couldn't wait.

On the first nice day of that following spring, he took me outside, walking the bike at his side like a proud Dad. He showed me how to mount that yellow bike and he pushed me down the mile long dirt driveway at the front of our house.

I remember the dirt kicking up behind us like smoke as we sped down the long, dusty path. My tires were zig zagging through the thick piles of dirt in front of me. I was apprehensive. I couldn't get my balance at first. I felt like my perch atop that bike was tentative and I'd be spilling into the sandy mess below in no time. I had my Dad at my side, walking as fast as he could to keep up and I knew he would never let go, until I was ready.

The wind was blowing my long hair in my face and I had a hard time seeing where I was going, but I kept going. Eventually, I got it. After a few passes up and down that forever driveway, I was balanced and poised atop the sunny, metal frame. I was becoming more steady as I went and I was pedaling that bike with ease and determination. I was bound for freedom. I was riding like the wind. Then I realized Dad had let go.

As I turned back to check his support, my Dad was a half mile behind me standing and waving his arms with glee at the joy of his only daughter mastering a new skill. So proud if his girl. I felt it from where I was. His joy from watching me succeed. It was in his smile. It was shining in his hazel eyes. His success was balanced by my success.

I remember thinking, I'm doing it! I'm really doing it!

You couldn't stop me after that winning day. I'd wake up extra early to get out to practice riding up and down that driveway before school. I'd rush home after school and practice some more. I mastered the 10 speed bike that spring. I gained some independence as well. It's been at least 20 years since I've ridden a bike but I'm sure I could do it again with ease. You know the old saying..."It's like riding a bike." After all, it was that 10 speed lesson that taught me I could indeed do anything I set my mind to. To this day, I believe that. Thanks to that bright yellow bike and of course, thanks to my Dad.

I learned the Facts of Life by Watching the Facts of Life...

Not really, but I love that quote...from Cable Guy.
But I did love the Facts of Life as a kid.

I loved all the girls at the "Eastland School for Young Woman" in Peekskill, NY and I wanted to be them. They always made it look like fun. I wanted to have friends like them and wear the uniform with them and have their 30 minute issues and just be them. Mrs. Garrett was such a kindhearted but ditsy woman who loved all the students and really cared.

And Tootie. Oh! Tootie. I loved her rollerskates!I'll always remember when first Jo joined the cast and she'd get the girls to go to the "the city" with her. I was from 'the city' and I loved that she made it look so cool. I loved that she was a 'bad girl' at first then she calmed down as the episodes progressed. I think she might have been my first 'girl crush'. She was one tough cookie and I always envied that she drove a 'bike'. I loved her hair. Yes, I did try to master the Jo ponytail.I remember when Blair's cousin Geri joined the cast. I was amazed by her strength and sense of humor even though she had Cerebral Palsy. And I always resented Blair for the way she treated her in the beginning. Such a bitch. But of course, after a 30 minute episode all was right in the world of Blair once again.It's amazing how sitcoms back then made you feel like you were a part of a family. They were sweet as candy and lighthearted. Now, you have to watch half of the shows on TV peeking through your fingers due to the graphic nature and realistic issues.

I miss the good 'ole days when it was just that simple. Back then, they worried about kissing a boy for the first time and getting good grades. I do recall one 'edgy' episode where one of the gals wouldn't eat to fit into a dress for a dance...Talk about controversy. And they didn't even touch the truth about real eating disorders. They grazed the subject and fixed it within the half hour. Too edgy for the times, I guess.

Not today. Today they'd show a girl cutting herself with an exacto knife or binging and purging right out in the open. I'd love to see how the Girls of Eastland handled today's issues.

I wish The Facts of Life was still on TV.