Do's and Don'ts of Spray on Tanning

Ok. Don't laugh. I had a wedding this weekend and I wanted to look hawt. (tee hee)

So even though I've been getting some color in the front yard, I thought I'd even it out and get just a little darker for the summer's biggest extravaganza!

Sooo, I went for a spray-on tan.
Here are some things to remember if you do get this done...

Do:

• Exfoliate, exfoliate, exfoliate
• Expect to feel sticky after the application and expect to stay that way until you shower
• Expect to get it on your clothing (and your kid if you're not careful)
  
• Wear dark, loose fitting clothes for after the application (think mu mu)
  
• Expect to feel like a fat tub-o-lard standing there nekkid with just your paper panties on
• Expect to question every decision you have ever made that led you to this procedure
• Especially when your boobahs are white as ghosts and sorta saggin' (at least in your eyes)
  
• Be careful that stuff gets everywhere
• Exfoliate
  
• Understand that you will look like an orange until you shower
• Expect to get what you pay for...you will be $60.00 lighter in the wallet, but you won't get melanoma (a small price for health I say)
• Plan the application at least two days before an event
• Plan on blowing away the little black dress you plan to wear
• Do it for any event but make sure you exfoliate
  

Don't:

• Go in a driving thunderstorm (think Jackson Pollack)
• Wear flip flops in said rainstorm or step in gigantic puddles
  
• Expect brain surgeons to be working at the salon
• Go in a hawty-tawty neighborhood, they sneer
• Expect the salon workers to giggle at you (at least not to your face)
• Shower for eight hours after the application
  
• Let one ounce of water touch your skin for eight hours after the application
• Sweat...ever
• Forget to exfoliate
  
• Wear a mu mu in a driving rainstorm with your flip flops although on a sunny day it would be perfecto
• Pay more than $60.00 for the treatment...it may not be worth it
• Go the night before a big event
• Be surprised by the compliments you will receive for looking like you just got back from St. Tropez
• Expect your husband to keep his hands to himself...(rowr)
  
• PANIC...it's not THAT bad
• Be surprised if you don't exfoliate
  

It's all happenin' at the zoo...

We went to the Bronx Zoo yesterday with one of Girl's friends "S" from school and his mom "G". She loves this boy! She had such a blast she didn't want to say goodbye to him at the end of the day.

My little girl just might be doin' some serious crushin' on this boy.

Girl after my own heart.

Sometimes I just don't understand her though.

To view the Congo exhibit, you have to drop your stroller off at a 'parking area' because its a fire hazard to bring it into the exhibit with you. (I'm still not sure what they do for wheelchairs, but that's another rant) Girl would NOT let go of the stroller. Like it was polyester gold. She was not havin' it. She refused to go into the exhibit without the farking stroller. So we couldn't go in. S and G wanted to see it but they wouldn't go in without us. What a shame. I was pissed.

So we went on with our day...and I had to calm down...(What's with he lack of patience there sweetheart?)

Then, later on at Tiger Mountain, you had to leave your stroller back and she did so with a smile! What the fuck? She is such a hormonal female. Ugh.

The butterfly exhibit was our favorite.

"Snackers"

And she loved these photo statues. She didn't want to leave here.

The day was long and busy and hot, and believe it, we got lost and had to drive through the "Boogie Down Bronx" to get to the zoo but we had a great time. To top it all off, Girl has a new friend that she truly likes to play with and I have a mom I can talk to.

G got me to calm down about our potty training dilemma too. It has come to the point where I have taken away all of the privileges Girl loves unless she pots. And I am stressed beyond belief. Girl could care less.

"I won't go water the plants with Daddy, oh well."
"I can't go swimming in the pool...kay. "
"I can't watch Tom and Jerry, maybe next time"....

She told me to give Girl back the power and when she wants to use the pot, she'll let me know. Just change her without a word about it and move onto other things. Don't mention the pot. Don't ask if she has to go. Don't look at her funny when she smells like shit. And don't threaten.

Damnit I hope this works. But didn't I do this once before?

Yes, but I can't get that 'time limit' off my brain. That idea that she has to pot by a certain age. I do not want this kid in pull ups at five years old damnit. I just don't know what to do.

I'm not leaving this post talking about potty.
Isn't this gorgeous?

They fly right to you and land right on you...Love it.

Oh! And if you're still reading....Wish me a Happy Blogiversary too...I've been bloggin' baby for one whole year.

*Cue the music*...
Happy Blogiversary to meeeeeeeeeee...

And if you're bored...go read some archives...You know you want to. I was such a nerdfart.

Five blogs I read and never linked to

Cherann, that confessed bookworm tagged me for a meme...I love them. They make me happy. This one in particular lets me show a little love to some people I have never linked to before or just started reading or both....

I can't even remember where I found all these blogs because my blogroll is getting kinda wiley. I always promised to keep it at 100 blogs, but that is just unrealistic since I'm addicted to so many different lives out there. I'm sure I've 'met' these bloggers through other blogs I read regularly or comments they have left.

1. Worker Mommy at Because I Must Blog is so cool and fun. I love reading about her family and her adventures. Her comments always make me smile too...

2. MetalMark at Heavy Metal Time Machine is a wealth of information on music. I enjoy reading his reviews, checking out his album covers and hearing his informed opinions on the music I love most.

3. Seattle Mamacita at Mama Mia No Sabia is amazing. She is witty and philosophical but she always remains real. Her down to earth attitude and love for her family is addictive... I wait patiently for her next posts...

4. Tiffani at Never Too Late. I just met her recently through Devilish Southern Belle. We all have the same love for men with eyeliner and long hair and they both even turned me on to new bands. I adore Tiffani's beautiful daughter and the way she writes is hysterical.

5. J. Lee from Single Mom in the City has such a wonderful outlook on life and enjoys every second with her son. I love reading about her fun times and her son's achievements.

I can't believe how many people out there bring joy to my life every day. You all make me laugh, cry and feel like I belong to something bigger. You help me see the brighter side of things and you commiserate with me when I am ready to shoot the dog. I am so in love with blogging because of the people I have 'met' here. Somehow, the world doesn't seem so small anymore.

Eat meme

Lest you think the dog is dead. Nope. Still breathing. Never fear. I'm not that mean. Miraculously, no dogs were actually harmed in the making of that last post. He has been in solitary confinement when we go out though, he eats my walls in anger/spite. Fun times I tell ya.

Hubs, you see doesn't want a crate. It's ugly. But I guess a half eaten couch and holy walls is more attractive...to some. To others, a crate would probably be a happier alternative. But for now, I'll douse the area in Bitter Apple (which Art licks like a treat) and pray for the best.

******************************
Moving on before my blood begins to boil all over again...


DSB, you are so sassy, I love it.

She tagged me for "5 eating places in my area."

The rules:
1. Link to the name of the person who tagged you.

2. Include the state and country you're in.

3. List your top 5 favorite places to eat at your location (locally).

4. Tag 5 other people (preferably from other countries/states) and let them know they've been tagged. (Unless you are like me and too lazy to actually tag anyone...)
_____________________

Here goes. Being from NYC and all...there are gobs and gobs of places to eat and drink. But the five that immediately come to mind when I think..."Hmmm, where could we go for a delicious meal, some drinks and an all around fun night out on the town?"...'Cause you know, I think that quite often...

1. Buddakan: We went there for the first time this year...Amazing food, drinks, atmosphere. Good luck getting a reservation though!

2. Monster Sushi: Sushi. Big. Mouthwatering. Yum.

3. Blue Water Grill in Union Square...You want to just eat everything on the menu.

4. Union Square Cafe: Still an all time favorite.

5. Gotham Bar & Grill:...ooh and the chocolate desserts...

(I tag you. I honestly have no patience to tag and tell)...

Before you go, can you read my mind?...

The front of the Garden...April 28, 2007

This show was amazing.

Remember when I told you that my BFF and I had something fun in the works? Well, my BFF and I went to The Killers concert Saturday night at Madison Square Garden.

You know, The Killers:


The band I can't stop listening to:


The band that totally rules my iPod these days:


That band!

K's dear husband J got us tickets...for Mother's Day! And I didn't even have his kid...But I had my own and according to him, that's what matters. Lurve him.

The crowd was fantastic and the show was too...

Cell phones...not the best resource...

Brandon Flowers is my newest crush. And oh, the way he dances!!! When he thanked the crowd for being there and allowing his band to play such a "magical" venue...I crushed on him harder.

I fought back tears during "Read My Mind"...because I started thinking of my BFF and the fact that she is moving to Texas soon. This was probably the last live show we'll go to for a long, long time. I am so sad about losing her again.

When we were in High School, her father moved her family to Alabama but we kept in touch while she was gone...(I have to dig up the letters.) Now, we just have to keep up the communication with this new adventure! But I know it will be hard with the girls growing up and all...Plus her daughter and my daughter love each other! I will miss them playing together and growing up together also.

Her and her husband are moving to Texas for a better life. I am so happy for them but so, so sad for me and Girl too. I am going to miss her, J, and their daughter Mouse terribly. K is my BFF and Mouse is Girl's BFF too. I don't know what we are going to do without them close to us.

We have truly been Best Friends Forever. We know each other since 4th grade. When I moved back to NY from New Jersey, I came to my first day of school in my purple-seamed Sergio Valente's with the Purple "V" on the back pockets. K was jealous of my jeans and I was so jealous of her hair. She always wore long ass, blonde pigtails and I wanted them badly. The sleepovers and playdates continue to today, with our very own daughters in tow.

We have been through boyfriends, girlfriends, rock bands, big hair, births, death, and happiness all within the 24 years we know each other. I hope K realizes how much I love her and will miss her. I hope Mouse doesn't forget us! I hope I get to visit her in her new home and I hope that she comes back to visit us too.

But I know that no matter what, near or far, K will 'read my mind' as always and know we will eternally be BFF's.

I love you K!

Where is Art?

The dog was in the yard. Happily playing with his chew toy. I heard him barking sporadically at passers by while they laughed at his funny face.

The phone rang and I answered it. I was expecting this call. It was Girl's doctor and I needed to speak with him urgently. We talked for a good 20 minutes while Girl watched The Upside Down Show. I hung up with my new found information and started tidying up the house.

I cleaned the floors because it was raining outside and I vacuumed the rug because we were having a play date. They were due over at noon.

Then, the phone rang again.

"Where's your dog?" The question was asked by a husky, unfamiliar voice. I ran to the side door and called for Art. No answer. No sight of Art anywhere.

I closed the door and peeked out the side windows. Girl started getting nervous and so was I. This was a creepy voice.

"Who is this?" I asked warily.

"I have your dog." Said the voice on the other end of the line.

"Who is this?" I asked again impatiently.

"I want $2,500 in cash or I keep your dog. Place it in a plastic Target bag on the corner of the block. Don't call the police, you won't catch me. Don't try to watch me pick up the cash, it won't be me...Someone will be waiting"

The phone clicked. Dial tone.

I ignored him. It had to be an April Fools joke.

I called again for Art to no avail. He was nowhere to be found. I searched some more through the neighborhood. Nothing.

The phone rang about an hour later.

I picked it up.

It was the same voice on the other end...I heard a dog barking in the background.

"Where's my money?" He asked angrily.

"You can keep him!" I yelled as I hung up the phone.

A smile crept across my face as the thoughts of a clean home and no dog piss on my floor entered my brain.

Then, I woke up. It was a fantastic dream while it lasted.

Damnit.

3:30 AM

That's what time I walked in the door last night.

It's a wonder Mista stays married to this dirty little stay out.

I ate sushi. I drank some beers. I danced.

The only thing I have to show for it is a major headache and this:











We're doing the 'devil rock horns'...You can't really see it. It's from my phone!
That's me on the right.
Blurry.
Yes.
I still am, thankyouverymuch.

I learned the Facts of Life by Watching the Facts of Life...

Not really, but I love that quote...from Cable Guy.
But I did love the Facts of Life as a kid.

I loved all the girls at the "Eastland School for Young Woman" in Peekskill, NY and I wanted to be them. They always made it look like fun. I wanted to have friends like them and wear the uniform with them and have their 30 minute issues and just be them. Mrs. Garrett was such a kindhearted but ditsy woman who loved all the students and really cared.

And Tootie. Oh! Tootie. I loved her rollerskates!I'll always remember when first Jo joined the cast and she'd get the girls to go to the "the city" with her. I was from 'the city' and I loved that she made it look so cool. I loved that she was a 'bad girl' at first then she calmed down as the episodes progressed. I think she might have been my first 'girl crush'. She was one tough cookie and I always envied that she drove a 'bike'. I loved her hair. Yes, I did try to master the Jo ponytail.I remember when Blair's cousin Geri joined the cast. I was amazed by her strength and sense of humor even though she had Cerebral Palsy. And I always resented Blair for the way she treated her in the beginning. Such a bitch. But of course, after a 30 minute episode all was right in the world of Blair once again.It's amazing how sitcoms back then made you feel like you were a part of a family. They were sweet as candy and lighthearted. Now, you have to watch half of the shows on TV peeking through your fingers due to the graphic nature and realistic issues.

I miss the good 'ole days when it was just that simple. Back then, they worried about kissing a boy for the first time and getting good grades. I do recall one 'edgy' episode where one of the gals wouldn't eat to fit into a dress for a dance...Talk about controversy. And they didn't even touch the truth about real eating disorders. They grazed the subject and fixed it within the half hour. Too edgy for the times, I guess.

Not today. Today they'd show a girl cutting herself with an exacto knife or binging and purging right out in the open. I'd love to see how the Girls of Eastland handled today's issues.

I wish The Facts of Life was still on TV.

Dinner and a Mo.......zzzzzz.

My darling husband took me out to dinner last night for my birthday. Yes folks...I will officially be an old hag on Tuesday. Send all sparkly gifts to the address listed in my 'loony bin' roster...(This is the week to celebrate my birthday..I always take a week. I start the Saturday before and end the Saturday after...Since forever...Wheee...)

Ahem, back to last night. We went to an amazing, top-notch restaurant here in the neighborhood. He had crab cakes to start and wild striped bass for dinner. I stuffed myself with mushroom barley soup and Ahi tuna. We drank champagne to start off and a beautiful Red Burgundy during dinner... The plan was to do something after dinner. We were going to park our car at home and walk into town to have some drinks at another local restaurant.

I never made it.

I was so stuffed and a little tipsy that when we came home, I immediately ran upstairs to put my jammies on and veg on the couch. My In-laws were ready for a late night of babysitting and when I walked in the door, my Mother-I-Law yelled at me for not wanting to go out...Who has a babysitter that begs you to stay out as long as you like??? I do.

I really wanted to hang out somewhere with BD and be alone away from home...but I was so full, I needed to sit down in stretch pants...Ugh. I'm an old bat.

All in all it was scrumptious. Thank you BD, for making me feel like the only woman in the world again! Thank you for always making me feel like I am your special friend. Thank you for loving me no matter what. I love you.

I think I'll go to the gym today while BD and Fa go out to buy me a birthday gift. I hope it's something sparkly and pretty...Ha! What do I really care?..If she made me a card and gave me a hug and kiss...I would consider that the best gift ever. But he likes to take her to shop for me because he says she gets so excited and tells everyone she's shopping for Mommy! Ah. I love her.

I need to work off those calories. So I can be ready for Oscar later tonight. Just what I need, more skinny bitches in beautiful dresses to make me feel old and dare I say, fat.

Annual Check "Under the Hood"

(In honor of Groundhog day!! tee hee)

Had my yearly the other day.
Why is that the most uncomfortable appointment anyone can ever have?

I hate it. But I love my doctor. He is an angel, right here on earth.

Anyway, I'm sure you don't care to hear my "Under the Hood" play by play. It was uneventful.

I do have to go for my second mammogram because I'll be *gasp* 35 at the end of the month. That should be a roaring good time.

But I do want to tell you about the time I 'spat' the speculum clear across the room. Doc was trying out his new fangled 'plastic speculum' on me and told me to relax. Well, for some reason, I just couldn't...he inserted. Turned away. And kablooey...it shot out and hit the cabinets right behind his back. He was quite impressed! I was mortified. I helped teach him that plastic and lube don't mix. He went back to the metal one.

This time around there was a young mom waiting with her son in the waiting room. And I was alone (for a change) I was under-dressed with little makeup and I just know I looked 18. Well, this mom gave me the dirtiest look ever when I walked in and sat down across from her and her son. I smiled at them, but she wasn't reciprocating the kindness.

I was a little offended but then I heard their conversation as I sat down.

Boy: "My poopie hurts!"

Mom: "I Know but you won't sit on the potty, what do you want me to do?"

Boy: "My poopie hurts!"

Mom: "Honey, I know"

Boy: "My poopie hurts!"

This went on for a good 5-10 minutes when he started jumping on the chairs and yelling about his poopie.

She finally told him in exasperation to tell the nurse. I guess she just wanted him to stop and that would do it.

So what does he do? He comes up to me to tell me his poopie hurts. Figures.

I asked him if I looked like a nurse in my teacheriest voice that I could scrounge up on a 7pm on a Monday evening. He got shy and went back to his mom.

I asked him how old he was and struck up a conversation with him and his mom. (I was not about to be defeated). Turns out, he's the same age as F and looks and speaks a whole lot older just like she does. I told him I had a girl for him to play with and he got all excited. He's my new best friend. The mom almost seemed relieved that I took his mind off his poopie and she had someone to talk to about 3 year olds...It turned out to be a nice wait.

So we both prejudged even before we opened our mouths to find out that we were similar in more ways than one. It's amazing how mommyhood can connect total strangers that would otherwise never speak to each other.

And I'm amazed that I struck up a conversation with a total stranger and succeeded.

If I were stranded on a desert island...

RWA did a post about his favorite songs. I am trying to do one too. It is harder than I thought.

I love music, all kinds from rock to rap to classical. It is very difficult to just gather a few snippets especially when you like catalogs and catalogs of songs from all different bands. There are a few bands that are missing from my list, but I can't just pick one song from their library...So, in order to keep it short(er) and sweet(er)...here are the one's that stand out in my head when I think of "favorites".

Blood Pumpin' Tunes:

Bring the Noise Public Enemy, especially the one with Anthrax
I love the beginning: 'Bass, how low can you go?...'

Kinda I Want To Nine Inch Nails
Really anything from NIN but this one is attached to some great memories.

In Your Eyes Icon
To this day, I get goosebumps. The way Jerry Harrison sings "I think about the things that I've done wrong.." Chills I tell ya.

Angel With the Scabbed Wings Marilyn Manson
Gets my blood pumpin'. I love the drums in this one.

Symphony of Destruction Megadeth
This song always gets me going. I love the heaviness of the guitars.

Speak Queensryche
Anything from this band too..but this is the song that turned me on to them.

Mellow Tunes:

Across the Universe The Beatles.
There are too many to just pick one, but this one always gives me chills.

Grace U2 'It's the name for a girl, and it's also a thought that can change the world.'
C'mon, can't get better than that.

Fix You Coldplay
Who doesn't want to be fixed?

I Can't Make You Love Me Bonnie Raitt
I have always loved this song...I guess it's that unrequited love theme that gets me.

Lights Journey
This song captivated me and got me to learn all I could about the 'city by the bay'. Then I went to San Fran and fell deeper in love...

This is Shangrila Mother Love Bone
I am so in love with Andrew Wood. What a young life wasted. And it also brought about Temple of the Dog and Soundgarden..Two more of my faves too.

How Soon is Now The Smiths
Mesmerizing. Always love it. Then, I married a Smiths Freak!

Take it Back Pink Floyd
Just one of the many Floyd songs I love...this one brings me good memories.

Flowers in the Window Travis
Always makes me smile...

Catch the Moon Elizabeth Mitchell
Fa's favorite so of course, I cry whenever I hear it.

Too many to pick just one:

In Your Room Depeche Mode
Another band I totally love. You really can't eat just one.

The End The Doors
Love the speaking parts..."Mother, I want to..."

Rocket Queen Guns and Roses
Love the chorus of this song, always have.

Alone Lisa Loeb
A good mix of easy listenin' and Rockin' and Rollin'. Love her.

Addicted to That Rush Mr. Big
My all time favorite band...So name it, I love it. This is a nice taste of their style.

As Far as the Eye Can See TNT
Another all time Favorite...But I love When Tony Harnell sings "If your eyes could see what you mean to me..."

So, that's pretty much it in the smallest nutshell I could find.

What about you?
What songs would you totally need if you were stranded on a desert island?

Act your age.

At the time, I don't know what I was thinking. But, yesterday I decided to drive Fa and myself to Connecticut. Like, way out Connecticut, about a half hour past Yale. That's really, friggin' far from where I live.

I have a long-lost friend who lives there with her husband and two kids. We haven't seen each other in seven years but we exchange Christmas cards every year since the kids have been born. Her daughter is almost 8 and her son is almost 5.

We worked at the advertising agency together, all three of us. She was a graphic designer, He was a writer and I was the assistant to the studio manager then I became an account executive. All this was before I went back to school for my Master's in Reading and became a teacher.

Anyway. I drove our asses up to God's Country. I wasn't looking forward to it but it turned out to be a fantastic drive. Fa slept most of the time going and coming home. I had my iPod crankin' the cool tunes and my Starbucks Venti Cafe Mocha with Soy Milk. And F had her chocolate milk and her lovey. We were set. It was so nice to see my friend that the drive was really like nothing. Straight ahead. From door to door. So it seemed.

We got there early in the morning and stayed all day. F played with the boy until his big sister came home then, she played with BOTH kids! I was amazed by her show of confidence and bravery in this new situation. She started out digging into my shoulder, but warmed up almost immediately and went right into the basement with the boy to play. Not even a look back. I love that.

She talked to the kids and played and really enjoyed herself. Something I rarely see her do. Even in school. I really believe that she doesn't like kids her own age because they are immature. Not in a bad, uncivilized way. It's just that this is the age where they are learning to connect with others. And in the meantime, they yell and cry and and pull crap out of her hands and get in her grill and invade her space. Not because they are mean, but because they don't know any better. Yet.

Older kids already know the routine and are comfortable with the peer playtime exchange. The 3 year olds F knows are not sophisticated enough for that yet. They are still all about themselves and are not aware that others have feelings and a spatial awareness they may be lacking. It makes F very uncomfortable and unable to connect with them.

F has always had that 'get outta my space' attitude which lead to tantrums when someone invaded that space. She may have always been aware of a person's personal space but she wasn't always aware of how to keep her own space protected without crying. But I think she's getting it. Especially when she plays with older kids and they let her just be herself and treat her like a real person. Adults treat her like a baby who needs help with everything. And kids her own age are still learning how to interact. No wonder why she looks at me sometimes in school like "What the fuck is that asshole doing?"

F is more comfortable with older kids who can really play. I see it now. She is not weird or anti-social. She is merely starving for kids to play with that actually know how to interact and pretend and color and not invade her space with drooly faces and staccato movements and wobbly footing.

On yesterday's journey, not only did I get to see some old friends, I discovered that 'Mommy and Me' is filled with smaller and younger, 'just learning kids' where F needs to be involved with older, more mature kids who can bring her out of her shell and just let her be. I think she will enjoy school with kids older and more mature than where she is now.

After all, she is only acting her age.

Happy New Year...Haiku

Five fifty P.M.
I've started drinking bubbly.
Snoring loud by ten!
***********************************

Missing this again.
Haven't seen Seacrest host once.
Guess that's a good thing.

We aren't going anywhere tonight...so I guess in my own creative way...I'm just wishing you all a wonderful 2007!!!

Carol of the chins... Keep 'a singing...Keep 'a tippin'.

I went here the other day and typed in some Christmas song titles. They know 'em all...The best is their response when you type in curse words...Yeah, I'm a child.

Have fun.. Ho ho ho...

(My dad and I used to do this all the time when I was little...He'd dress up the chin and sing and talk and I got such a kick out of it. I thought he was the funniest man alive...He still is.)

*****************************************

On an unrelated to chins note:

From my last post it seems I caused an uproar because I am the only arse in creation who tips their garbage guys. What the hell? No one else does that? I thought it was mandatory...

See, here's the story:

Before we moved where we live now, in our other neighborhood (which we didn't like) all our neighbors tipped the garbage guys. So, we joined along. We were told that they "take care of you" when you tip them. Now, I didn't know what that meant at the time...Did it mean they'd give me a mani-pedi every week? Would they give me a frickin' hand-job? Cause that's the kinda "taken' care of" I wanna be with such money flying freely...

No. You know what they do? They take your fucking garbage without a complaint and the put the cans back where they found them. Hmmm....sounds like they're already getting paid by the city to do that.

Know how I know that? Because the year our daughter was born, we were too preoccupied with thinking of paying the garbage guys their extra income, and we forgot to tip them. I was lucky I had gifts for the few kids we know that year. Ya, know?

It must've been Christmas eve or day (I couldn't tell you for sure because the entire week was a totally blur with the newborn home) and we hear the truck rumbling up to the cans and the guys scurrying around like roaches to get all the garbage on the block. Then, we hear, "Where's my fucking tip?" BD and I bolted upright in the bed and looked at each other. "They did not just say that!" We both said at the same time.

Yes, they did indeed say that. They never dealt with our garbage the same way again. We lost a can, they let garbage fall into the street and left it there...They wouldn't take the big stuff like tied boxes and cardboard. They basically made our life miserable on garbage day.

This year, this is our first Christmas in the new house and we don't want to piss anyone off. It is a SMALL town. The streets are very close together as are the neighbors, everyone knows everyone here...I think the garbage guys actually live in the neighborhood too. So, to avoid condemnation from the town, we tipped the garbage guys. A lot of tip. More tip than I ever made in a day as a cocktail waitress at an upscale bar. A lot of tip. Did I mention that the tip was big?

I run out...(in my makeup) to give the guys their envelope...This is the week after they told me I make the cans too heavy and I don't bring them to the side of the curb. If I tell you how close the side of my house is to the curb on our block, you'd faint. Anyway. I give them the envelope and wish them a "Happy Holiday". I go inside and watch them from the kitchen window. And I could swear I saw the little fucker open the envelope and sneer disapprovingly at the house.

I'll let you know next week when if they pick up the garbage again.

Five Christmas Songs that Don't Make Me Puke

Now, back to our regularly scheduled programming. I'm done gushing over my daughter's newly three year old status for a while...Okay? She's three...she's a pleasure to know, I am honored to be her Mom and I'm sure you're all sick of hearing it. Thank you friends for all the birthday wishes!!!

Got this meme thing from Ali. That I honestly hated at first, but now I love. You see, I hate despise Christmas music. All kinds...it makes me want to blow chunks. I used to love it, but age and memories got me to hating it with a passion...So I've been avoiding it like the plague. But then, I got tagged! This tag has forced me to confront my past and face my fears and accept holiday music as something to admire deal with and chuckle at.

Ali, you gorgeous woman, you 'nippletoe' loving lady...I'll try anything once. And I'm a sucker for memes...I know, I'm supposed to pick five faves...this is very difficult. So after much deliberation and serious contemplation I picked 5 songs that I actually get a kick out of. Here goes:

5 Christmas songs that don't suck.

1. Holy Shit it's Christmas by Red Peters
My all time favorite Christmas song. I love how funny it is and Red's play on words just totally cracks me up.

2. 12 Pains of Christmas by Bob Rivers. Another goofy favorite. Just love it 'cause it's not so serious. And this particular video makes me giggle.

3. Mistress for Christmas by AC/DC. Love that band. Love all their songs. Love that they have a Christmas song out there. Even if it reeks of adultery.

4. Christmas in Hollis by Run DMC.
I always loved this song. I guess because I'm from Queens and so are they.

5. Wizards in Winter by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra. C'mon, how could you not?

And for your Holiday Pleasure...my favorite Christmas Movie...

Now, tag! You're it.

So funny!

In our house, you only have to say things once and the child hears you. She may not acknowledge you at the time, but don't you worry...It all registers in that brain of hers.

There are days when she'll come up with some great things like the other day. She picked up the phone and pretended to talk to her dad. I hear; "Hello, how's things? Nuthin'. Whatchya doin'? Wait, Fafa wants to talk to you, I'll put you on speaker phone. Okay, I lop you...g'bye!" She repeated the exact same thing I say to BD almost every conversation. I never even knew she heard me.

Then, once she dropped her water and yelled "Aw, shit!" at the top of her lungs. Gotta love that.

When she's playing with her imaginary friends..(which she has more of than real friends) She tells them things like; "Don't be scared, I'll protect you, Mommy's always here." Or she'll tell them; "No, honey, you can't have snack without having dinner!" Like I said, she may not agree but it all registers.

I love when she's talking to the dog...she says, "Aw Dog, you're such a mange, you dopey dog...look he's slobbering...Grody to the Maximum!" She'll laugh at him and say; "No Dog, you little shit get off the couch." Hmmm...where'd she hear that?

She hugs me and I thank her for the love and she replies, "Anytime Mom!" Oh! melts my heart. She plays with her Daddy and jokes with him and says, "Thanks big guy!"

Today, we were schnuggling in her bed after her nap and I was changing the words to 'Row Row Row Your Boat'. I was just using nonsense words like "hairily, hairily, hairily, hairily...toast and butter and cream" and she was laughing so hard, she got the hiccups. She turns to me in a fit of giggles then says; "Mommy, you crap me up!"

Yes, honey...so do you.

This makes me laugh so hard...

I cry and pee a little when I hear it. (Thanks BD for sending it to me today!)

click here

If you don't have the patience to listen to the 'hole' song fast forward to the ending where it gets faster.

Andy Dick is so freakin' funny.

Fa Fa is a Punk Rocker...

I know I've mentioned this plenty of times before...But Fa loves Metal. All kinds. Metallica, Megadeth, Led Zepplin, Def Leppard. She loves the classics like The Doors and the hair bands like Poison. She loves Nine Inch Nails and Marilyn Manson. She dances and sings to many of the '80's hair bands' that I adore to this day. I love that about her.

Today she discovered Guns and Roses. We listened to Appetite for Destruction, one of my all time favorites and she totally flipped out over "Nightrain". It was so hysterical to watch her make her little 'devil horns' and bang her head while Axl sang; " Wake up late, Honey put on your clothes. Take your credit card to the liquor store. That's one for you and two for me by tonight I'll be loaded like a freight train, Flyin' like an aeroplane, Feelin' like a space brain One more time tonight..."

Now, I have to get her to sing all the words...too cute. I can't take it.

Rock on sistah! Rock on!

We decorated the tree today!

Yay us!
We put up the Christmas tree today.
We had a ball setting it up and putting the ornaments from
"the box" on the branches.

This is what it looks like in the corner of our living room.

Right to the side of the front door.

This is our beauty from another angle.

We had a wonderful day, filled with more tradition and fun.
I just adore my family!

Typical

Me on the phone: Dad, turn on Dr. Phil! He has hoarders on. You hafta see this.

Dad: (struggling to find the power button on the remote) Hang on. Shit. (stumbling) These damn machines. Where's that button? Nothing is ever easy...When you think it's gonna be easy...it's not. There. (long silence) What is this?

Me: Hoarders dad. Like you.

Dad: What?

Me: You know, pack rats. People who save every-frickin-thing and don't throw anything out. Like you. I thought you should watch this.

Dad: Oh! 'Hoarders'...I thought you said 'Whores'! This isn't interesting, what else is on? Where's Spongebob?