How do I convince my daughter of that when I am living proof that indeed some moms leave?
Schnuggling before a nap recently, she asked me if I loved my Mommy and Daddy. (Red flags raised..she never mentions my Mom even when I talk about her) Of course, I said yes. She continued to ask, "Who's your Daddy?" (She knows full well the answer to this since we play this game often enough) "Papa" I answered with a smile. Then, she asked a question that I knew was coming but it still totally threw me for a loop.
"Who's your Mommy?"
"Well, my Mommy is 'Bunny'." I replied stiffly, waiting for her next question that was inevitably coming.
"Where is Bunny? My grandma?"
Here we go....
In my head I'm screaming, "I'm not ready for this" repeatedly...over an over. "She's only 3 years and 5 months old! 41 months! How has this concept entered her head so soon? How do I answer her?" "She may not be too young to ask the questions but she is too young to comprehend the answers..."
I began to tell her that Bunny, her grandma, my Mommy is in Heaven. (A concept I'm not too sure of myself...but I was thrown and caught off guard.)
She asked me if I missed her and again, if I loved her and was I sad that she was not here?
How the hell does she do this?
I told her I do miss my Mommy terribly because she isn't here with me and I love her and I wish she was still here with us. I told her I was sad because she never got to meet her and I just know she would love her... the conversation went on for a few more minutes before The Girl told me "Not to worry because I'll make you feel better!" She said it to me. To my face. 3.5 years old. She even punctuated it with strong, neck-hugs! I am floored!
Then, she wouldn't let me leave her. She screamed bloody murder like I died a thousand deaths right in front of her, "Papa, Bunny, Mamma...Don't leave me!" "I'm scared you'll leave me!" "Mamma come back, don't leave me alone!"
Heartbreak.
Sheer shattered chest muscle.
You're not breathing, J. Breathe.
As I sat there rocking her close to my chest trying my damndest not to smother her with my kisses and trying even harder to convince her that I would never leave her and I will be her mommy forever...I felt guilty.
What if I do leave her?
What if I make her a motherless daughter?
I'm lying to her face.
How will she forgive me for telling her moms don't leave? When they do.
She is too young to be worried about this. She is too smart to not figure it out. She is too sensitive to forget this conversation any time soon.
I am sad that I have left her a legacy of loss and fear of being left alone by mother.
How could I do this to her?
How do I help her understand?
How do I rest her fears?
...Assure her that I am here for her...until she is older and better able to understand...that moms may leave this earth, but they can never be taken from your heart.
27 comments:
Oh, Janet, I know exactly what you are feeling. I go through this with Julia and it always catches me off guard when she asks me about my mom, even though I am quite open and honest with her about my mom and why she's not here. Julia's quite perceptive; she started asking me questions right around the same time as Stinkfoot, and I just tried to go with the flow. Now that she's older, her questions are more clear and almost heavier. Harder to answer.
When Julia asks me about death and if I will die I try to be as honest as I can be without scaring her. I tell her pretty much what you said in your last paragraph. And then I change the subject, LOL, because I can only talk about that stuff for so long before the waterworks start.
((hugs)) It's hard. I understand.
Oh my, what a heart tugging post. It is amazing how perceptive and analytical children can be. You did the right thing. At her age she should be reminded of your love for her and that you are there for her 100% till she is old enough to realize that if something does happen eventually that despite distance, death, or illness your shared memories and love will always be there. I am sure a lot of her questions may have stemmed from Mother's Day. Who knows, children are smart!
What a powerful post.
I, too, have had to answer questions, especially from my 5 yr old son. He's the sensitive one, and we have always talked about heaven (with my Dad up there). He asked about death more and more, and gets all upset, saying that he doesn't want to go. That he doesn't want me to go.
I talk about being together for a long time (and hopefully that is true) and not to worry about it today.
I guess this is the part of being a mommy that is VERY hard. God give us the grace to explain things the right way, for these tender little hearts.
xoxo
At this age, I don't think she has necessarily grasped the full meaning of death. She understands that your mother is no longer there, but (and this is just my perception) I think she's taking her reaction cues from you. She sees you react to her questions and the topic of your mother, and knows that it makes you sad and/or uncomfortable. So, when she tries to empathize (as most kids do) she reacts accordingly.
I don't think her reaction was out of a fear of you leaving (dying) but more out of a lack of complete comprehension about when people go, and how to know when they are going temporarily and when they are gone forever.
All kids go through this stage. You did the right thing telling her the truth. People die and it hurts and we go on with some hurt in our heart. It's the way life is. You can't stop her from getting hurt in life, you can teach her that she can survive the hurt.
My mum is still alive but I can remember very vividly being three years old and my mother rocking back and forth and saying she wished she could just leave. I remember thinking, she could leave! It terrified me. It's normal for children to realize that they are separate from us. It's normal. You and your daughter are normal.
Now quit beating yourself up for being normal sweetie.
I know this conversation.. And I hate to say it...The fixation with death and us leaving goes on for years... It started for my daughter at four years of age and lasted a year and a half... everyday, everyday there would be talk of death,of her 'Uncle', my best friend... He was young... he was so young... and why ,why??/
You reassure best as you can...
and I tell my wee gal in her heart is where he is... and death cannot take that from her...
I am so sorry for your loss Janet... and these next few years of the questions and the fears will be there for both of you to work out...
And they always will get you right where it hurts,as your mother is nestled in there always...
Two things to come to mind.
First, you won't ever leave her by choice. There are some things you simply can't control.
Second, I agree that this is something that you likely can't get into more detail about until she's older.
When she said she would make you feel better, I don't see how you didn't burst into tears then and there.
When my mom was caring for the twins she happened to reference my dad "their grandfather" to which they asked "Where is he ?" My mom told B & J that he's not here with us he's in "heaven" but that he's always with us in our hearts.
I absolutely love the way she explained it and they seemed to like it too. Since that time they've mentioned that Grandpa is in their hearts.
Death is hard for us as adults let alone having to explain it to a toddler.
You're right all you can do is let her know that you would never intentionally leave her, let her know how much you adore her and just as you said moms may leave this earth but they never leave our hearts.
Just reassure her that you have no INTENTION of leaving her anytime soon. They are smart, you can communicate better with them when they are older.
Wow. That's so hard. But this was such an amazing post. Thanks for sharing it.
I haven't had to have this conversation yet but I'm dreading it. There are no easy answers, right? But I don't want to hear you dwelling on the possibility of going back on your word to her. Even if we do think about it - a lot - remember that the uncertainties go both ways. You could live to be 110 years old. That's just as possible.
[[hugs]]
That's a pretty difficult subject. She is too young to know about it. I have no idea how to broach it so... I can't give you any advice.
I'm sorry for your loss. I don't know what I'd do without my mother.
I don't have the right words or any answers, but wanted you to know I was here.
You're such a good writer, Janet.
Stink is really an amazing little girl. I've never met her, but she's just exceptional. You prove to her every day how much you love her. Time will help her to better understand. Hugs to you and stinkfoot too.
Wow. All I can think of is to be as reassuring as humanly possible. I know it's scary for the both of you, but hopefully you can calm her fears and she'll take her cues from you.
Just wanted to offer some hugs. You'll never leave her heart and she'll never leave yours.
"moms may leave this earth, but they can never be taken from your heart."
Exactly.
You are an amazing writer, an even more amazing mom with a stupendously amazing daughter.
What a hard place to be. Its amazing just how aware children can be, huh?
With the recent death of my own grandmother, my girls have began asking questions. And we're just honest with them. Not too much detail, just enough honesty to put the questions to bed.
During my grandma's funeral services, the Priest said, repeatedly, "Everyone one of us will die someday." At first I cringed b/c I was fearful I'd come home to scared kids. But then I thought Maybe this is what I need, they need, to know what life is really about.
Shyte. 6 years ago I had that conversation with bigirl in a restaurant and she cried and cried and cried. We have revisited the idea of me 'leaving' many times.
I have told them both that they will be big grown women just like me when it happens. And then...I find a distraction.
sigh. I am so sorry. It hurts so bad when they do that and you know that nothing in life is certain but you need to put a brave a cheery face on it until they can wrap their little heads around the concept.
She sounds like a beautiful and intuitive soul....
I love their affectionate moments.
And as bad as a physical separation is, I think it's a worse tragedy to not have that emotional connection that you and she see to have.
How heartbreaking but your final words captured it perfectly. That is one of my worst fears, too, that I won't be around to watch my kids grow up....
That must be so hard Janet. I have no words that would help except cyber Hugs.
Totally need to do the truth thing. I think you did right by SF and yourself ... HUGS!
I will have to explain one day that my om is gone by choice ... yuck!
Hang in there girl!
oh man. what a heartbreaking, but emotionally honest post.
you are so awesome and i think you rock and you handled it well. it will all be okay and will work out, and you will find that balance between telling her that sometimes, PEOPLE leave (not just moms)... but you don't have any plans on doing so...
I haven't read the other comments, so forgive me if I repeat any.
She obviously understands far more than you realize, so it might not be too much to tell her that we will all die someday, but as long as you are on this earth, you will love her and care for her. And when you're not on this earth, you will still love her and care for her. You will never leave on PURPOSE, but when it is time for you to leave, you will miss her and love her and always be with her.
You know I am a motherless mother and it kills me to think of making my girls motherless daughters, but we talk about it. We talk about how things are taken care of, and what we have done to assure they will be taken care of etc. It's hard to talk about, but having been 8 when I lost my mom, I feel better talking to them knowing that if I am taken from them, they will know what we have done for them and that we did it out of love!
PS- Maybe you could talk to her about WHAT took Bunny away. Maybe in her mind, Bunny walked out the door and never came back. Maybe if you can find an age appropriate way to explain it to her, it will ease her mind when you leave her room!
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