Oh! The Agony!

My daughter and I have a small problem. Now, I wouldn't say it's a bad problem or one that requires a doctor. But I thought about it. We are NEVER separated. It's almost like we are Siamese twins, joined at the lips. We are in each others pockets all day long and I am not complaining, don' t get me wrong. But, I saw the circumstances of our air tight connection last night.

I took her to her first 'dance class'. I was so excited I could spit. Ever since we found out she was a girl and I saw her "dancer's spine" in her sonogram. I pledged to enroll her into dance class the day she turned three. Well, 'three' is in exactly 14 days. I enrolled her in class starting January, so I get a trial class to see if she likes it. Well, I have to ask...How am I supposed to know if she actually likes it when she's screaming "I want my Mommy" the entire time?

Ok, not the entire time. But the last, say, 35 minutes of class. That's a long time to be screaming, no? She screamed and cried so much that her nose bled.

Initially, she went right in the dance room, because she was so excited about dance class...(I talked it up for a week.) Before class, she hopped around asking, "When can I go into dance class?" Then the teacher (a very patient young lady) introduced herself as Miss L and Fa hid behind my leg. Ok, then.

Miss L told all the little girls in tutu's and tap shoes...whatta sight...to "come on in!" Fa went in willingly. I said, "Go girl, have fun. I love you!!" and blew kisses. She glanced back like a dear in the headlights. "Where are you going Mommy?" From that point, Mommy always went with her to class...every single class. Damn you Mommy & Me.

I reminded her (because we discussed this repeatedly) that "Mommy doesn't take dance class with her. This is her class and she should have fun." I watched her in the window and she stood in her place in the group with her hands in her mouth (panicking) most of the time. But she stayed and I let her be. Then, the teacher made a major faux pas. She tried to hold Fa's hand! I guess I shoulda warned her that she doesn't like to be touched by anyone. But really, the kid does have to get used to others touching her in class, right? My bad.

She panicked again and hid her face in her hands and they called me in. I hugged her and told her it was okay and she was doing great! She could do this if she just let herself have fun. But she was done. "I don't want to stay here!" she screamed....loudly. I told her we weren't leaving and she would finish the class...Then they switched into ballet shoes, but she didn't want to be bothered.

After ballet, they have gymnastics and she heard that and wanted to join in. So, I left again...That's where the screaming hit new heights. She made dogs in Alaska wince. I left her alone because the teacher seemed to have it all under control. Until Fa's nose started bleeding. Then I had to be summoned again. I cleaned her up.

We stayed until the end of class...she got her stamps on her hands and feet just like all the other little girls who learned something. I apologized and asked what they thought. And they all said, "Don't give up, keep trying". She'll get used to it. And I know this is true. I've seen it in my own dance classes and my own classroom. Kids adjust. They get used to their surroundings eventually. But why is it so hard for me to know that with my own flesh and blood?

So next week, we try again. I am determined to get her adjusted to this. It's for her own good. It's a matter of independence and self-esteem. She must be able to survive without me. At least for a few hours.

If I was the teacher, I'd just make the mom leave and I'd deal with it. But in all my experience with children, in all the breakdowns by mom and child, in all the wet bottoms and sprained ankles, in all the shyness and self-conscious, I have never had a student as shy and untouchable as Fa...These ladies have their work cut out for them.

But I am not giving up and I am not letting her give up. It's for her own good.