Breathe

So my windows are open this morning. My air conditioner is NOT on. I am breathing in the fairly cool morning air for the first time since fall. This is the smell of 'pumpkin pickin'. You know how a certain smell can just lead you right back into a moment? Like Tequila...How I remember those nights...

Fall is my favorite time of year. It reminds me of 'going back to school' as a kid and as a teacher. Everything is new. New clothes, new books, new class, new schedule. The air is crisp and you can start pulling out your sweaters and buying new ones. Ooooh I love 'sweater season'!

Then winter comes and everything gets slushy and old and cold. It all happens so fast, you don't even remember fall anymore. I am making a promise to myself to enjoy fall this year. This is going to be the second fall that I can be home with my daughter without planning for work. I can just enjoy our time together once again and I will remember what it was like to have to plan to go to work. Lesson plans, schedules. Stress. I will not have that again this year. Thank you BD.

Last fall, I was nervous that I might have to go back to work. I was stressed the entire school year. I was worrying that we couldn't do it and I'd have to leave Fa. The whole year, I was fearful that I'd have to leave to go to work. I couldn't truly enjoy my time with my girl. Now, don't get me wrong. I loved working as a teacher. I loved the kids, the school I was in, the friends. But I couldn't do it after Fa. What with PPD and the anxiety and the fears. Now that I am more balanced out and I know that we can handle this with me being home. I am more relaxed. (My husband is more stressed.) But I am more relaxed.

Fa and I are very lucky that we can be together. I haven't given up my career, or my life. I've just put it on hold for a little while to raise my wonderful girl. My choice was partly due to PPD (I fully expected to work full time before she was born) and partly due to the fact that I didn't want anyone else raising her. My plans changed, but for the better. I am thoroughly enjoying being a mommy, knowing that I worked very hard to get here. I wish I could do this forever. But I know that eventually Fa will be in school and I will hafta 'move on'.

I am signing her up for her very last 'Mommy & Me' ever. It is in a preschool that plans for separation. Next year, whether we're ready or not...It's Fa on her own. She was born December 20th so she misses the December one cut off date here in our neighborhood. (Lucky for me, I get to keep her to myself for another year!) But I do feel that she is missing out on something by just being home with me all day. And she will be the oldest in her class. But, as I am writing this I am realizing that this 'Mommy & Me' will be our very last together. She is moving on.

I need to learn to do that too. I must enjoy every class together and snap lotsa photos because there will be no more after this. She is becoming a big girl and more and more...for the love of god, more independent than I ever was. I see her changing and growing into this little lady, with emotions, thoughts and preferences. How did that happen? It feels like I just brought her home from the Hospital. There it went again. I blinked and it kept going without me even noticing. Like fall, like the school year...just like life.

I better learn to enjoy these moments more. I have to stop being so fearful and anxious. I have to stop and smell the doodie diaper before it's all gone. I really just have to learn to breathe...