How do I hate thee?..Let me count the fucking ways.

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You are such a shitstain. I can't even believe you are still here.

This is what I come home to after a nice lunch with my daughter.

Revenge is sweet...

(Believe it or not, he likey likey this...)

All or nothing...M.I.A

In case you were all calling 911 and search parties and such.

Don't.

I'm here.

The Dog ate my power chord to my laptop and I was unable to get online the ENTIRE WEEKEND until The Provider went back to work Monday to get the second power chord....

Talk about withdrawals. Holy Shit.

Shaking and sweating and going to check my e-mail/Bloglines and then realizing I COULDN'T...was not easy. And it's not all that good for the complexion either.

But, my Hero enabler came through for me and brought my fresh supply home to a convulsing mother. Thank the lord.

Now, I'm back on track.

On with the updates:
Amazing weekend. Lazy, relaxed. Fun.

Brought Girl to the TriBeCa Film Festival Street Fair on Saturday and had fun. She loves that city! She calls it "Big City" like Oswald does. She loves the Village, my girl!

Went to a park fair on Sunday where Girl once again immersed herself in bubbles like a wild woman. This kid loves bubbles. It's Like Kiddie Crack! Her and her mother seem to have some addictive personalities wouldn't you say???

This dog is amazing! And not in a good way. I know a few of you questioned what I did to provoke the shit stain in my debut YT video. The answer is Nada!

Just like his black and white, empty head...there's no Grey area.

It's all or nothing.

Either this...

Or this:

Someone please help me.

call the bunghole mafia...in need of help here...

hi. dont tell them i was here...i need some help.

im gonna try to type this out fast because i dont wanna get into trouble again. theyre all out of the house and i dont have much time...my head hurts from all the beatings with the rolled up magazine. do you know, they put rubber bands around the ends of the magazine to keep it tight. well, it fucking hurts...those rubber bands. and i cant help peeing on the floor once in a while. im only a puppy.

friggin paws, how do you capitalize letters with paws? the question mark is hard enough.

as you know, i like to browse the web once in a while. i read a few blogs over mommys shoulder too and theres one blog in particular that I feel a certain bond with. especially today. jessica gave me a good idea today. she has this affinity for dana and my family does too.

you see, my big sister...they call her fafa around here...lately, she cant keep her finger out of my own dana. how humiliating. she is constantly jamming crap into it and all they do is laugh or get disgusted and wash her hands. whattabout my leather starfish? they dont check to see if it is alright. they dont wash it out to make sure the crayon is all gone.

they laugh.

and ignore me.

oh im sorry, did i get in your way with that marker up my ass...ok ill move.

so i need your help.

im begging for someone to tell these crazies that dog sodomy should be illegal if it isnt already. what do i hafta do to get some respect around here? i have had ass issues since i got here and they just dont seem to ever end. what is with these people? i think they bring it on themselves. i really do. they are obsessed with ass and i am stuck in the middle of it all.

and this friggin kid is a pest. just as i get comfortable on the couch i see the kid coming and i try to run away. i really do. i just cant seem to run fast enough. i dont have much space to hide. shes always up my butt. literally.

she squeezes my head till my eyes pop put, she yanks on my poor helpless tail, she tries to hug me with her clammy hands. then after she totally kicks my ass they lock me up. thats right. i get an hourly internal exam then i get locked up for it. does that make sense to you?

oh, she pretends to love me. yeah right. but i know the truth. she is evil. how many ass invasions do i hafta take before someone gets the hint here? and the kicker, they think its cute. they laugh and say awww look at dog and big sister...they love each other...holy shit. if only i could wrap my paws around her neck tight enough...then theyd get it.

im suffering people. is this what you humans do for fun? are colonoscopies a treat for you? why do i hafta hear her stomping towards me yelling im gonna put my finger in dogs ass...look at dogs ass mommy, its pink...no shit sherlock. its pink. and my poop is brown you know your colors genius.

im desperate. im asking anyone out there to help. call someone. anyone. help me get this kids fingers out of my ass...jessica...are you there...help me.....for the love of dana....

shit. theyre home....that fucking magazine again....gotta go....