Ask The Laundress

Q: What do I do if I’m invited to an intimate party by someone I’m not intimate with?

My gorgeous friend, (I love her to death) K always gets herself into these situations. Now, she has yet another stalker in her midst. She gets these mommies who call her constantly and harass her for play dates. I know, she is a beautiful woman who has a wonderful personality. She draws people to her. Everyone wants to be her friend. However, K (my very bestest buddy in the entire world) isn’t known for her returned phone calls. She sometimes takes a while to get back to you…(so do I, that’s why we understand each other so well) Sometimes other people take that as an insult or a slight against them. We just see it as, “Don’t take it personally, we’ll get to you.”

Today, she has this (her second) “Stalker Mommy”. Who calls her on every phone K owns and harasses her at Mommy & Me. Here's a good one: StalkerMom invited K to a “sex toy party”. Yup, that’s right a SEX TOY party. Picture a whole buncha mommies buying dildoes for themselves with their husband’s ‘hard’ earned money…pardon the pun. K is mortified. Mind you, K and I aren’t prudes in the slightest definition of the word. We’ve both pretty much seen all there is to see between the two of us. K even hangs out with porn stars on occasion for Christ’s sake. But the woman is mortified about being invited to this party. SO! She asked The Laundress for advice…I am honored to reply:

A: Tell the weirdo mom that: You will not attempt to justify where the gigantic purple dildo came from to your husband. You refuse to spend his cash on frivolous items such as nipple clamps and Benois beads. You adore your husband and ALL he has to offer. You don’t need substitues. You’re sorry if she feels she must ignite some lost passion into her marriage by throwing such a peculiar party. By the way, you don’t even know her well enough to share such an intimate moment as purchasing a “ball stretcher” for your husband. If you were to go and purchase some sort of sex sling, you’d do it with your best friend The Laundress and not her. Tell her to keep her edible panties to herself and to leave you out of it. And also tell her to lose your number and forget you exist.

Take my advice. Or not. It’s up to you.

Any questions about advice you want answered, please feel free to e-mail me.