I have homework.

My therapist thinks I need to practice being in uncomfortable confrontations. I disagree, but I'd never confront her on it.

You see, when I get mad. I clam up. If you know me and I'm not speaking, you know I'm mad. You might never find out why, we just might stop talking. If you are my husband or my father, you might eventually find out why I'm mad. But you'll really have to dig for info.

Whenever my husband and I fight it's because I stop talking to him over somthing that might have happened a week ago. Then, I fester. Then, he gets pissed and asks me why I'm mad. Then, I start to cry and it usually ends there. See, I'm okay with letting it out, once I'm ready. But I ALWAYS break down into a ball of sappy hysterics. I can't confront anyone without crying. That's my real problem. Once I muster up the courage to spill it, I weep. Not just tears, mind you. Hyperventilating hysterics. Crying that hurts your nose because its so clogged with mucous. Crying that makes it impossible to utter words. Crying that makes your eyeballs bulge for three days afterwards. Like a spaz.

I am getting better with my husband. It's the other people in my life that I can't confront. The problem? I always get caught off guard by the unexpected stupidity and I fall short for a smart retort. Then, hours later, I think. "Shit, I shoulda said..." But it's too late. I am forever thinking of good "comebacks" or "defenses" hours after the fact. I can't very well bring it up then, it's over...the stupidity has washed away like the shoreline from the ocean tide. However, I am then left to fester; to wallow in my own silence. To continue to think, "Why didn't I just frickin say...."

So, my homework is to practice. Because, after all, practice makes perfect. So loogout everyone. If I get my panties worked up enough you might be in for it, 12 hours after the initial confrontation. Better late than never. You might not even know why I'm pissed, but once I gather my thoughts, I'll let you know.

Wishful thinking, I'm sure. But at least I'm confronting the fact that I need to practice. Right?
Chalk one up for me in the practice department.