Why I hate Scorpion Woman

I saw my "trainer" again the other day. I hate her. Not because she's cute, young and little and built like a brick shit house. But because she is an amateur who is trying to pass herself off as a reputable, experienced personal trainer. She is not. I know this. Now, I may have mentioned in previous posts that I was a dance teacher in my former life. I know a thing or two about kinesiology and physical well being. I had a healthy body and it was quite nice. I spent all my time dancing and working out. It's just been a really long while and I wanted to find someone who could get me motivated enough to get me going on my own. She is NOT that person. She is looking to build her resume.

In our initial meeting, she proceeded to explain all of her certifications and experience but when I asked her about my Target Heart Rate (THR) during cardio workouts she couldn't answer my question. I wanted to know what the percentage means when she said I was at 65% intensity at my fastest THR. She said it was the percentage of the rate that I work out. Duh? I still don't get it.

What it really means is:
"Healthy Heart Zone (Warm up) --- 50 - 60% of maximum heart rate: The easiest zone and probably the best zone for people just starting a fitness program. It can also be used as a warm up for more serious walkers. This zone has been shown to help decrease body fat, blood pressure and cholesterol. It also decreases the risk of degenerative diseases and has a low risk of injury. 85% of calories burned in this zone are fats!"


That's kinda what she shoulda said, no? It means in the height of my cardio, (when my heart is beating fastest) I am at the "warm up" stage in my workout. But in reality it feels like I'm gonna pass out. Not good. At least that's how I interpret the information. But I am a laywoman when it comes to being technical and especially at math. As a trainer, with all of her credentials, shouldn't she be able to explain that to me clearly?

Then this week, I asked her if we could work on my abs because I know they are the weakest part of my body and they are what holds the rest of me upright. Without strong abs, I am nothing. (I also wanted her to show me the ab equipment so I could use it on my own!) Nope. She refused. She wanted to work on my back. My back is weak. It's weak because my abs are weak. Turns out, we worked out my back until I couldn't stand straight. Then I had zero energy to actually do the ab workout. Now, I am sore again, without using an abdominal muscle. I know my back is related to my abs when it comes to "core/trunk muscles" but if the weakest part can't help the part we are targeting, shouldn't we reverse the workout and strengthen the weaker parts first? Just a thought.

She also had me some 'at-tit-ude' when I told her I couldn't work out with her 5 days a week for many reasons. a) I can't afford a thousand personal training sessions at 80$ a clip. b) I will get discouraged because I can't do it all correctly all the time. c) I can't go to the gym 5 days a week because I do still have a child and a husband at home that would like to see me once in a while. d) I have a life, believe it or not, other than working out. I asked her if she understood and she fucking said, "Well, not reallyyyyy but if that's whatchyou want." Psycho hose beast.

She's a kid trying to rack up some PT hours for her resume and I won't allow her to do that and jeopardize my body. Her date book is empty by the way, my name was the only other person in there besides poor "Bruce". I sure don't know who he is but he must be an asshole if he is allowing her to train him. Or pimp him out, she might be a madam for all I know. She does like to flirt with all the hot male bodies that flank the floor, kissing their biceps in the ceiling to floor wall-mirrors.

There are other reasons why I hate the Scorpion Woman, but I'll spare you, dear reader, the boring stuff. If you got this far, bless you. If you know anything about training the body back into some semblance of what used to be, drop me a line. I'd love to hear from someone who actually knows what they are talking about.

In the meantime, I'll see Scorpion Woman one more time, if I don't call up and cancel on her skinny ass. -Since she strong armed me (literally) into planning another session with her. I swear she is showing me those ab machines next time. If not, I will kick her in the neck.